Day 229
You ever want to stick your head in the sand? I do. As an addict, we do what addicts do and fall back on addict behavior from time to time. I had a JM moment this week that woke me up to this fact. You know where jerry mcguire gets all passionate and writes up a memo and sends it out to everybody, only to wake up the next morning going oh fuck and runs down to retract it all? In doing such a thing I realized I was in a funk and was calling out for help. In the last 24 hrs I have gone through a whole range of emotions from a-z with the last being a crockett-style screamfest to my text group...sorry guys...nah, FU 'winker' But that is what caught me up short and woke me up to realize that I was fighting the routine. The never ending battle of the addict nature. What is different for me now is that without chemicals flowing through my grey matter up in the skull is that the process is much faster than when I first quit. Fortunately, this is a place where there are people without a lot of judgement and accept you for who you are, regardless of differences of opinions, faults and whacked behavior. I came to KTC with a whole toolbox full of information on addiction that I spent a lot of money on in counseling. I already had what I needed to fight addiction at its core. I could write a novel and lay out a perfect map of what that is all about, but I am not going to, its all here already. Its everywhere on this site. You gotta want it enough to do your own homework. What I did lack when I came here is the people that I needed to help keep me accountable. I am mobile so this is a perfect venue for me to be a part of. For that, I am eternally grateful. I have developed personal and REAL accountability with folks here. Some can come and go, some get more involved than others, some are quiet, and some are more outspoken. I see the same patterns over and over again the longer I am here. Someone calls someone out, thier friends dogpile the person that does the calling, fu's are exchanged, a drama ensues, wisdom is spewed all over the place, justifications arise, and lessons are learned. In all of this some newcomers cry foul and say it is distracting from quitting while others like to watch the entertainment and say it helps keep them distracted from nic. Meanwhile there are those who are quiet and just sit back taking notes and learning in their own way.
I gave up control for a brief moment. I allowed myself to let my work situation spiral me down a rabbit hole and fell back on default mode in the ole noggin which is what led to my situation. On top of which I grabbed a savior complex in the middle somewhere. Screwing up is part of learning, part of progress. This is not me being hard on myself, this is me being honest with myself. Personal fortitude to do so is something that I have learned in the last 3 years. Its what helps make me a better person. We are all addicts. Some react to situations differently than others. When I came here, I made a pact with myself to be myself. As you see me here, so I am in person. True conquering requires integrity to maintain true identity. I see a lot of this around here.(despite the ghey jokes and banter in chat) I see a flake from time to time, but for the most part, people here are genuine. THAT is what makes this place special.
Thanks for letting me in the nuthouse......quit on!!!
