A flower never blooms a thousand days - ancient chinese proverb.
Ok, I might agree with that. A quit can be classified into many things. If I just look at overall quit days, then hell yes, this quit has bloomed a thousand days and then some. If we look at the quality of those days.....then there were some non-bloomers for sure. Some where I thought the damn plant was dead. But as we've all learned, one day, one hour at a time. Those are tangible.
A thousand days is an exclusive club here at KTC and I sure am proud to be part of it. I had no intentions of writing about it, but let me share with you some thoughts I had a few months ago.
I was planning to cave.
Not strategically, not deceptively, not even consciously. But I was. Excuses: Busy, my quit is solid, I got this. I was posting maybe once every couple of weeks or less. The bitch had been talking to me and I was listening. I was telling her to fuck off, but there was something inside slowly whittling away. Knowing the comma was coming, I was pretty confident I could go back someday.
One fine day, on the same day, i got a text from Radman (Guard Dec 2010) and Cbird (April 2012). Both asking where I was and if everything was ok. To me, this is the epitome of how KTC works. Work your web of accountability, someone is paying attention. Rad and Cbird saw it.
Reality check. I didn't have "it". I was heading for a cave. Not in a day, or a week, but in the near future. I thought about their question for a couple of hours and like a kick in the sack...I realized I was fucking up.
I'll be honest with you. I don't remember how bad it feels to put in a chew with your gums so tore up it makes your eyes tear up. Or the incessant heartburn. I recollect them, but the pain of them is long gone. I barely remember the pain of the fog and rage from early quit. I go back and read some old posts and it comes back, but it doesn't hit home.
But you know what. I know better and in fact, the web of accountability that I weaved for myself, came through in the end. I planned it that way. Holy fuck I'm brilliant. I got tons of numbers, plenty of buds in KTC. I knew eventually someone would come calling. And they did.
I consider myself one of the lucky ones. Some don't answer the call. They continue down the road. They may or may not cave. We don't know what happens to them when they leave.
How stupid of me. I have preached untiringly about leaving the site. Why stop doing something that obviously works? And works well! What a dumbass and I was slowly headed that way.
Thanks Rad and Cbird. My quit candle is burning again.
Advice: Don't leave yourself any outs. Make your presence (accountability) noticeable. Trust me, someone is watching and someone will call you on your shit.
Its up to you to make the decision.
