Day - 127
Havin' a bit of a tough run. It occurred to me not too long ago that the rage and mood swings usually associated with the early quit had not subsided as much as I would have expected. I still get pretty frustrated and I can be thrown into a mood swing with little provocation. I also feel like that voice in my head that says wildly inappropriate things at high volumes is coming closer and closer to breaking through the surface.Â
Anyway, I guess I thought I was handling it, but recently my therapist took notice. In a recent session she recommended anti-depressants. It was a pretty big blow to my feeling of accomplishment, but she seems to feel like my mood swings are extreme and effecting my ability to function productively. And of course she thinks it could be taking its toll on my wife.
She assures me that the goal is not to lobotomize me, but it's hard not to feel like I'm just trading one crutch for another. If this is my new reality, then maybe I just need to learn to live with it. Regardless, it's been very difficult not to be depressed about possibly needing anti-depressants. That's obviously counter-productive, but that's been my world for the last week or so. If anyone's got any advice on this one, I'm all ears.
I had a funk in the 120s. I have not had many since and I am on day 222.
Would you feel the same about anti-depressants if they were insulin for diabetes? You may have a chemical imbalance in your head that needs some adjusting to function in a better way. If that new crutch can save your marriage, your job, the life you have, isn't that worth one pill in the morning or night? Strength is asking for help, not ignoring the problem.
I'm glad you responded, Russ. Partly because I love your avatar, but mostly because I wanted you're opinion. I get the whole chemical imbalance argument, it's just unfortunate that having an imbalance feels a lot like being a whiney bitch.
Regardless of whether or not I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm struggling to find a rationale for anti-depressants that makes sense to me. I think the logic proposed by my therapist is that I'm attempting to adapt, both psychologically and physiologically, to life without nicotine and this imbalance is a temporary side effect of that.
If that's the case, and it's really temporary, then the pills only serve to help me through this rough patch as my body attempts to adjust. This explanation is somewhat appealing as it suggests only a temporary need for medication. But part of me feels that if this is part of the suffering I have coming to me to free myself from nicotine, then I should bare that burden and fight for my freedom on my own. Maybe that's immature, or it's my inner Braveheart speaking, I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I'm cheating on my quit.
The other possibility is that she's wrong, and this is just who I am. Maybe this aspect of me has been muted over the last 25 years by an addiction to nicotine, but if this is my new reality, then I should learn to cope on my own.
What am I missing, Russ?
Adding my 2cents again. Sorry. This conversation is good for me as well because my symptom was/is depression as well.
Here is the ledger
Day 127 vs #of Days you dipped
For me:
Day 222 clean vs 7,300 days of dipping. Probably 2,000 cans dipped.
We have to allow some time for our bodies and mind to adjust.
I get you're point, Scowick, but would this realization help you make a decision as to whether or not you should use anti-depressants?
I definitely hesitate to comment on something clinical since, and let me be perfectly clear about this, I am wholly unqualified.
That said, I definitely had points along the way that I felt down, easily angered, overly emotional, etc. Like Scowick says, it really does take time, but at 493 days, I can tell you those feelings continued to fade for me as time went by. What was left, I believe, is normal unfettered human emotion that I needed to learn healthier ways of coping with (just like the rest of the humans on the planet have to). I think you understand all that, and I realize that's not really what you are asking. As for the meds, had I sought medical attention, would I have been prescribed something? Maybe. If I had, would I have been reticent and unnerved by the prospect? Probably. But ultimately, I've become more and more pragmatic over time. I try not to worry about the way I would like things to be, and instead take them as they are as best I can. As such, if a medical professional I trust thinks I need meds, I'm going to take heart, and if it will make my and others around me's lives better? I think I would take that pragmatic step. You see a therapist, so obviously you're not one who scoffs at medical attention.
Either way, I wouldn't necessarily make judgments at day 122 about whether or not this "troubled" you is the new and permanent you. For that part, give it some more time, and as you are doing, continue to seek new and improved "non-vice" ways to cope with good old fashion life.
Damn, preachier than I thought, but oh well. You got a couple of my cents now.
