Introduction

[lighty7]

Day 18.

Had rough day 17, so I started reading speeches from the HOFers and 1,000ers - looking for some encouragement. I was hoping to read stuff like, "the pain is gone... it's only a memory for me now... feeling strong". Instead, it was a lot of "don't let your guard down... the battle continues" stuff. Kind of disappointing.

So I brought it to the Titans last night...

• Southpaw: From what I have been told, the pain becomes less frequent. What they mean is that we are addicts and always will be. We must guard from the perception that we are no longer addicts.
• Stevo: Heard it gets easier... But one thing is for sure: we r all one dip away from 100% back in to it.
• Bam: If the pain or the battle were to ever go away completely, you'd forget the struggle, and how much this sucks and one day you'd pop another bit of poison in your mouth forgetting how fucking shitty it is for you and thinking it's no big deal. That's why the battle has to continue.
• Me: I hear what you're saying... "don't forget how much this sucks"... "you're always an addict" ... "one dip away". I definitely agree. It's just alarming to think that the struggle doesn't get easier with time, right?
• Bam: It probably does, but they don't want to make it appear like it goes away. They don't want you to hit the HOF, or the comma and say "I've got this, I'm good".
• Stevo: A lot if the older quitters says it does. Just saw a guy in chat a couple of nights ago, he was coming up on 1000 days and was thinking of leaving the site. Some of the OTQs told him to do what's best for him, others said they stick around to help others. He said he only thinks of dip when he's on the site now.
• Southpaw: I hear ya David. There will be more sunshine and rainbow days down the road than bad ones; we get stronger in the quit as we go along.

I greet Day 18 encouraged. Hope is powerful!

I'm on day 82 and I'll tell you that if definitely gets easier/better. I'm sitting in my house alone working from home. Do I have the occasional thought about dipping? Yeah, but the main reason is that for YEARS that was my routine when I worked from home, I would dip all day. For me it's all about routine and dipping just isn't part of my routine anymore. The more days I'm quit the more my non dip routine is strengthened. I go about my business and for the most part do all the same things I did pre-quit, but dipping just isn't part of it anymore.

Proud to quit with you TODAY.

Lighty

[david.m]

Day 18.

Had rough day 17, so I started reading speeches from the HOFers and 1,000ers - looking for some encouragement. I was hoping to read stuff like, "the pain is gone... it's only a memory for me now... feeling strong". Instead, it was a lot of "don't let your guard down... the battle continues" stuff. Kind of disappointing.

So I brought it to the Titans last night...

• Southpaw: From what I have been told, the pain becomes less frequent. What they mean is that we are addicts and always will be. We must guard from the perception that we are no longer addicts.
• Stevo: Heard it gets easier... But one thing is for sure: we r all one dip away from 100% back in to it.
• Bam: If the pain or the battle were to ever go away completely, you'd forget the struggle, and how much this sucks and one day you'd pop another bit of poison in your mouth forgetting how fucking shitty it is for you and thinking it's no big deal. That's why the battle has to continue.
• Me: I hear what you're saying... "don't forget how much this sucks"... "you're always an addict" ... "one dip away". I definitely agree. It's just alarming to think that the struggle doesn't get easier with time, right?
• Bam: It probably does, but they don't want to make it appear like it goes away. They don't want you to hit the HOF, or the comma and say "I've got this, I'm good".
• Stevo: A lot if the older quitters says it does. Just saw a guy in chat a couple of nights ago, he was coming up on 1000 days and was thinking of leaving the site. Some of the OTQs told him to do what's best for him, others said they stick around to help others. He said he only thinks of dip when he's on the site now.
• Southpaw: I hear ya David. There will be more sunshine and rainbow days down the road than bad ones; we get stronger in the quit as we go along.

I greet Day 18 encouraged. Hope is powerful!

[bigreddude44]

Day 17.

Really tough day. Cravings are particularly strong. They're spaced far apart - but strong when they hit. And different: they're amplified by the fear that this feeling is never going to go away, that this is my life now: periodic waves of pain.

[***WARNING: All you rabid Quit-police, you don't need to light me up for what I'm about to say. It's not what I really think... it's just what I'm thinking. I'm logging the emotions of my quit... not making conclusions.***]

I don't want to live in pain everyday for the rest of my life. Yeah, I might get cancer from dip. But... I might not. I started late; I'm not in the highest risk categories.
I might get heart disease from the nicotine. But... I might not. I'm in fairly good shape. How much longer can I go on being quit - if it doesn't get easier than this?

--

Of course, I immediately see the faulty logic in that! "I might get cancer from dip." "I might get heart disease from nicotine." Isn't that reason enough to endure this mild pain now?! (I'm also visualizing the disgusting picture BigRedDude loves to show everyone. C,mon Red! You've scarred my brain!!!! lol)

Isn't this mild pain merely an inconvenience in comparison?

Perhaps, I need to embrace this pain - and begin to think about it differently.... as something good - even if (especially if) it never goes away.

• It is, for one thing, the consequence of my foolishness: the result of my former bad choices and my willful surrender to addiction, in spite of the warnings. (There are warnings on the packs!, on the cans! So stupid.) So.... when I feel the pain, I am reminded: some decisions carry a lifetime of consequence. Use wisdom!
• It is, for another thing, a sign of my ongoing victory over something that is trying to destroy me. Struggling is a sign you haven't given up. The only way to lose this battle is to surrender. So... when I feel the pain, I am encouraged: I haven't given up, laid down, caved in. I'm still standing - in spite of the pain. I AM winning this battle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I have more pics if you want to see them!! hahahha

The "way out" He provides is our brothers (and sister) in October! Our group freaking rules! Love it man!

I quit all day, every day with you!

[david.m]

Day 17.

Really tough day. Cravings are particularly strong. They're spaced far apart - but strong when they hit. And different: they're amplified by the fear that this feeling is never going to go away, that this is my life now: periodic waves of pain.

[***WARNING: All you rabid Quit-police, you don't need to light me up for what I'm about to say. It's not what I really think... it's just what I'm thinking. I'm logging the emotions of my quit... not making conclusions.***]

I don't want to live in pain everyday for the rest of my life. Yeah, I might get cancer from dip. But... I might not. I started late; I'm not in the highest risk categories.
I might get heart disease from the nicotine. But... I might not. I'm in fairly good shape. How much longer can I go on being quit - if it doesn't get easier than this?

--

Of course, I immediately see the faulty logic in that! "I might get cancer from dip." "I might get heart disease from nicotine." Isn't that reason enough to endure this mild pain now?! (I'm also visualizing the disgusting picture BigRedDude loves to show everyone. C,mon Red! You've scarred my brain!!!! lol)

Isn't this mild pain merely an inconvenience in comparison?

Perhaps, I need to embrace this pain - and begin to think about it differently.... as something good - even if (especially if) it never goes away.

• It is, for one thing, the consequence of my foolishness: the result of my former bad choices and my willful surrender to addiction, in spite of the warnings. (There are warnings on the packs!, on the cans! So stupid.) So.... when I feel the pain, I am reminded: some decisions carry a lifetime of consequence. Use wisdom!
• It is, for another thing, a sign of my ongoing victory over something that is trying to destroy me. Struggling is a sign you haven't given up. The only way to lose this battle is to surrender. So... when I feel the pain, I am encouraged: I haven't given up, laid down, caved in. I'm still standing - in spite of the pain. I AM winning this battle.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

[bigreddude44]

Day 14.

Feeling ... I don't know... a relapse? of cravings. Days 10-12 were much easier than days 13  14 have been. As if my mind is remembering that blood-boiling/skin-crawling feeling and telling my body about it.

Found notes I made 2 years ago when I was trying to quit:
11.02.12.
It's been 426 hours. (17 days, 18 hours)
Yesterday and today, having real struggle. It was getting better - but now craving seems to be making a revival?
I really, really don't want to experience the pain of those first 100 hours again.
But I so badly want to "reward" myself with a 1-can binge.

Of course (now) I see the lie of that last line.... that caving is in any way a "reward".
But then I didn't. That's the last entry on that topic. I must've caved soon after.

The REAL difference between then and now... is that I have KTC and the Titans to help me and keep me accountable.
Then... I was able to turn inward, rationalize, I was my own accountability - thus my worst enemy.
Now... I have a group of guys (and one girl) who will keep me in check - and denounce such lies I may tell myself.

Following your quit helps me so much! I'm just 3 days behind you but your intro/blog always gives me a heads up of what to expect next. Several times the things you posted were happening to you happened to me a couple of days later but I wasn't blindsided by them because I had an idea of what was coming. So right now I am preparing myself for a revival of cravings during the next couple of days.

Thanks for making my quit stronger!

[tsj12b]

Day 15.

Monday. (that word alone says plenty)

Feeling full of energy. More energy than I'm used to having. The kind that makes it hard to sit still - much less focus. Every muscle tensed up. The kind that I would normally suppress with nicotine. Now, I just have to force myself to work through it. A worthy battle.

I fight that battle with you David. Thanks for making my QUIT stronger today, and everyday!

ODAAT
Tom

[Thumblewort]

Day 15.

Monday. (that word alone says plenty)

Feeling full of energy. More energy than I'm used to having. The kind that makes it hard to sit still - much less focus. Every muscle tensed up. The kind that I would normally suppress with nicotine. Now, I just have to force myself to work through it. A worthy battle.

Sounds like someone is healing! Love it, fight the good fight man!

[david.m]

Day 15.

Monday. (that word alone says plenty)

Feeling full of energy. More energy than I'm used to having. The kind that makes it hard to sit still - much less focus. Every muscle tensed up. The kind that I would normally suppress with nicotine. Now, I just have to force myself to work through it. A worthy battle.

[david.m]

Day 14.

Feeling ... I don't know... a relapse? of cravings. Days 10-12 were much easier than days 13  14 have been. As if my mind is remembering that blood-boiling/skin-crawling feeling and telling my body about it.

Found notes I made 2 years ago when I was trying to quit:
11.02.12.
It's been 426 hours. (17 days, 18 hours)
Yesterday and today, having real struggle. It was getting better - but now craving seems to be making a revival?
I really, really don't want to experience the pain of those first 100 hours again.
But I so badly want to "reward" myself with a 1-can binge.

Of course (now) I see the lie of that last line.... that caving is in any way a "reward".
But then I didn't. That's the last entry on that topic. I must've caved soon after.

The REAL difference between then and now... is that I have KTC and the Titans to help me and keep me accountable.
Then... I was able to turn inward, rationalize, I was my own accountability - thus my worst enemy.
Now... I have a group of guys (and one girl) who will keep me in check - and denounce such lies I may tell myself.

[Thumblewort]

Day 12.

Feeling great. I still feel the crave here and there, of course. But the fear of, "I can't do this!" is gone (or at least dying).

Now, I know I can - because I have.

I don't dip. That's the bottom line. Just like I don't smoke. And I don't shoot heroin. And I don't kill my enemies. These are things I just don't do. No matter how angry or stressed out or anxious I feel. I may binge eat. I may have a beer. I may punch a wall. (I may still need to find more productive ways to deal, haha) But I don't dip. Others may, but I don't.

It was always fear that kept me from stepping into the darkness of detox. Fear of facing life without nicotine. Fear of failing at any attempt to quit. Fear that this crave is going to be the one to make me cave. But now that fear has been replaced.

Now, it's a matter of maintaining and owning my quit.

I'm not naive about it. ODAAT. I've been seeing some of the 30-day and 70-day guys expressing a kind of revived wave of craving. And I've read how old timers emphasize, "you're always an addict." That's so helpful to know. I think that's one of the greatest aspects of this program: having other quitters tell you... yep, that's normal... you're going to feel this next... etc. It's paternal. But more, it's partnership.

For that reason...
a.) I am committing to stay connected to this group for the long haul - because I value others' experience.
b.) I am committing to help other newbies quit - because the journey of my Quit is truly most valuable when it's used for others' good.

I quit with you all damn day!

[david.m]

Day 12.

Feeling great. I still feel the crave here and there, of course. But the fear of, "I can't do this!" is gone (or at least dying).

Now, I know I can - because I have.

I don't dip. That's the bottom line. Just like I don't smoke. And I don't shoot heroin. And I don't kill my enemies. These are things I just don't do. No matter how angry or stressed out or anxious I feel. I may binge eat. I may have a beer. I may punch a wall. (I may still need to find more productive ways to deal, haha) But I don't dip. Others may, but I don't.

It was always fear that kept me from stepping into the darkness of detox. Fear of facing life without nicotine. Fear of failing at any attempt to quit. Fear that this crave is going to be the one to make me cave. But now that fear has been replaced.

Now, it's a matter of maintaining and owning my quit.

I'm not naive about it. ODAAT. I've been seeing some of the 30-day and 70-day guys expressing a kind of revived wave of craving. And I've read how old timers emphasize, "you're always an addict." That's so helpful to know. I think that's one of the greatest aspects of this program: having other quitters tell you... yep, that's normal... you're going to feel this next... etc. It's paternal. But more, it's partnership.

For that reason...
a.) I am committing to stay connected to this group for the long haul - because I value others' experience.
b.) I am committing to help other newbies quit - because the journey of my Quit is truly most valuable when it's used for others' good.

[B-loMatt]

Day 10.

Double digits! I've only been here twice before in the last 7 years. Neither time was I serious about quitting. Once, was a 10-day fast. I was only too happy for that fast to end. The other time - 19 days - was launched by a 2 week vacation on which I arbitrarily decided I was not going to use any tobacco (was also a smoker at the time). But 5 days after vacation ended I arbitrarily decided I'd go buy myself a pack and a can. Moron.

But those days are behind me. I will never smoke or dip again. Not once. Not ever.

Cravings were very mild all day. Was able to focus at work. It was good. Granted, my mouth is raw from non-stop seed chewing - but it's a huge improvement.

It wasn't until tonight that I started to feel it. It was around 9pm (not a usual peak-craving time). I had just finished teaching a 90 minute class, so I was drained - physically and mentally. I was talking with people after the class and not paying attention to them at all; totally zoned out, thinking, "man, I want a dip right now!" Interesting. I knew times of stress, anger, and impatience were triggers for me to go to the dip - i.e., times when I felt like I needed to be "evened out". I didn't realize I also went to it when I needed to be "picked up". Anyway, I opted for a grilled-cheese sandwich and a White Russian instead. Better!

Point is - I'm finding this stage of the Quit very interesting. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself - my patterns - my peeves - my weak spots - my real goals. Removing nicotine has been like removing a veil from my eyes. I thought I was relying on nicotine to help me focus, but I think it was only blurring things out. I'm seeing life clearer.

I don't remember having any of these observations either of the previous 2 times I reached 10 days. But then again, in those times, I was still enslaved to it because I had not denounced it. This time is different. I am done!

Then, my mind was chained to what I was missing. Now, my mind is set on what I am gaining.

Awesome! You are getting it! I too felt I was done forever with the poison at the start of my quit, just make sure you stay grounded in ODAAT. Look around you. Gaze upon the world as a free man for the first time in a long time! Everything is better without the poison! QLF with you all day.

[david.m]

Day 10.

Double digits! I've only been here twice before in the last 7 years. Neither time was I serious about quitting. Once, was a 10-day fast. I was only too happy for that fast to end. The other time - 19 days - was launched by a 2 week vacation on which I arbitrarily decided I was not going to use any tobacco (was also a smoker at the time). But 5 days after vacation ended I arbitrarily decided I'd go buy myself a pack and a can. Moron.

But those days are behind me. I will never smoke or dip again. Not once. Not ever.

Cravings were very mild all day. Was able to focus at work. It was good. Granted, my mouth is raw from non-stop seed chewing - but it's a huge improvement.

It wasn't until tonight that I started to feel it. It was around 9pm (not a usual peak-craving time). I had just finished teaching a 90 minute class, so I was drained - physically and mentally. I was talking with people after the class and not paying attention to them at all; totally zoned out, thinking, "man, I want a dip right now!" Interesting. I knew times of stress, anger, and impatience were triggers for me to go to the dip - i.e., times when I felt like I needed to be "evened out". I didn't realize I also went to it when I needed to be "picked up". Anyway, I opted for a grilled-cheese sandwich and a White Russian instead. Better!

Point is - I'm finding this stage of the Quit very interesting. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself - my patterns - my peeves - my weak spots - my real goals. Removing nicotine has been like removing a veil from my eyes. I thought I was relying on nicotine to help me focus, but I think it was only blurring things out. I'm seeing life clearer.

I don't remember having any of these observations either of the previous 2 times I reached 10 days. But then again, in those times, I was still enslaved to it because I had not denounced it. This time is different. I am done!

Then, my mind was chained to what I was missing. Now, my mind is set on what I am gaining.

[david.m]

Day 9.

I have ridden the Fog to it's limit. I absolutely have to work (and be productive!) today.

Anxiety came on as soon as I reached the office. I now realize that this has been the regular feeling at the office for some time now. But I've been "treating" it with nicotine asap each morning. Once the nic-rush assuages the anxiety, I buckle down and work with focus. That's been my routine. 9 to 5. (That's why the daylight hours are my peak craving times.) So.... it has me thinking that nicotine may not be my only problem to deal with here. Finding a new way to mask the anxiety isn't the answer. It may be a change of job/location - or at least perspective - that's necessary. BUT I'm not going to make any decisions while in these first stages of the Quit. Who knows what crazy things I'm thinking and feeling because of the mind/body's panic!? Stupid mind and body. Nicotine is for idiots. Relearn!!!

Bottom line: today is truly a page turning day for me and my work. I must work. I must focus. I must produce. And I WILL do it without Nicki (I prefer to anthropomorphize nicotine as an evil female vixen).

You can do this man. Some days are better than others.

Your eating may also be affecting how foggy you feel.

Concentrate on protein (especially in the mornings) and up your vitamin c intake. Your body is going through a lot right now. Help it along.

Thanks for that link and article. Passed it on to my wife. She is very into healing/health thru nutrition.

[Thumblewort]

Day 9.

I have ridden the Fog to it's limit. I absolutely have to work (and be productive!) today.

Anxiety came on as soon as I reached the office. I now realize that this has been the regular feeling at the office for some time now. But I've been "treating" it with nicotine asap each morning. Once the nic-rush assuages the anxiety, I buckle down and work with focus. That's been my routine. 9 to 5. (That's why the daylight hours are my peak craving times.) So.... it has me thinking that nicotine may not be my only problem to deal with here. Finding a new way to mask the anxiety isn't the answer. It may be a change of job/location - or at least perspective - that's necessary. BUT I'm not going to make any decisions while in these first stages of the Quit. Who knows what crazy things I'm thinking and feeling because of the mind/body's panic!? Stupid mind and body. Nicotine is for idiots. Relearn!!!

Bottom line: today is truly a page turning day for me and my work. I must work. I must focus. I must produce. And I WILL do it without Nicki (I prefer to anthropomorphize nicotine as an evil female vixen).

I like the thought process here. We always say a problem + nicotine = 2 problems. Your job is going to cause you anxiety regardless of dip or no, so today you decide to remain quit, bravo to you.

As far as any major decisions, I'd wait at least until you have 100 days behind you, let your body heal.