My good cave

[Nolaq]

Day 846-
For over a week I've known family plans for a road trip and family get together. And knew I'd be traveling home alone a day early. For most of that time the bitch has been trying to mess with my mind. I've thought how nice it would be to have her accompany me on the ride home. Now after two stressful days of with the inlaws and leaving for my drive home in the morning I'm still fighting within my own mind. I've just said all along that if I make my promise I'll be safe. Now here I am at 12 minutes past midnight and I'm waiting till morning to post roll. I know that in order for me to cave I have several people that I've got to get permission from first. I know none of them will grant permission and quite frankly I have too much respect for them to put them in that situation. I have no idea why, but this is the closest I've been to caving since I quit. I've been afraid of this day all week now that I'm just hours away I'm still stressing about it. I'm gonna get some sleep now and be back in a few hours when I'm thinking clearer.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

You are so far along now, you can reason with this idea. You know all the answers. Your tool box is FULL. You know you cannot have 'just one'. You also know there are too many people here that are willing to sit this out with you. It's 7:00 on Sat morning. I should be asleep right now, but I'm here, reaching out bro.

You can do this.

[Wt57]

Day 846-
For over a week I've known family plans for a road trip and family get together. And knew I'd be traveling home alone a day early. For most of that time the bitch has been trying to mess with my mind. I've thought how nice it would be to have her accompany me on the ride home. Now after two stressful days of with the inlaws and leaving for my drive home in the morning I'm still fighting within my own mind. I've just said all along that if I make my promise I'll be safe. Now here I am at 12 minutes past midnight and I'm waiting till morning to post roll. I know that in order for me to cave I have several people that I've got to get permission from first. I know none of them will grant permission and quite frankly I have too much respect for them to put them in that situation. I have no idea why, but this is the closest I've been to caving since I quit. I've been afraid of this day all week now that I'm just hours away I'm still stressing about it. I'm gonna get some sleep now and be back in a few hours when I'm thinking clearer.

[30isEnuff]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

With you brother!

You da man, WT. Hope all results come back clean.

Keep showing these young whipper snappers how it's done

WT you've inspired me from day 1.
Thinking of you and your tests today.
I'm glad you are here and not in line at the local poison store.
Your odds have decreased significantly. You're the quit Man, period
we dipped for ourselves, we quit ODAAT for ourselves.
I quit with you Today brother.
prayers and thoughts to you.

[G]

Prayers, wt. Not as old, but not young either. I wish I could go back and punch myself in the face for ever starting. I knew better.

Let us know when you get the results. Glad the doc is optimistic.

[UH60Chief107]

WT, I am one of the 20 something year olds that you mentioned. When I feel the initial quit surge falling off, I will remember what you wrote. Rest assured that you made a difference in at least one young quitter's life. Thank you.

[Diesel2112]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

With you brother!

You da man, WT. Hope all results come back clean.

Keep showing these young whipper snappers how it's done

[30yraddict]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

all in with ya brother

Prayers

prayers are with you, friend

[Scowick65]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

all in with ya brother

Prayers

[CleanFuel]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

all in with ya brother

[RAZD611]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

With you brother!

[wastepanel]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

Prayers man.

With you.

[jeff32]

WT57 - Your a true inspiration. I quit with you today.

[Wt57]

Time for a update and report on the bitch in my life; day 835, I live and cherish my freedom. For several months now I've suffered from difficulty swallowing and been waiting for an appointment with my gastroenterologist. Today I went in and had a upper GI endoscope. I've feared that I could feel a growth and had the fear that my 4 decades of dip was going to kill me even though I've quit. Well they stretched my esophagus and took quite a few biopsies from my mouth to my small intestine. Waiting for pathology, but not too concerned the Dr was very optimistic. I'm glad I quit when I did and that it wasn't motivated by a scare like this has been. If I'd quite in fear I would have probably stopped on the way home to get my fix. Why do I think I'd do that? I've been there before. I'm glad that everyday, I'm quit, my odds of cancer from dip decrease. Sure we will always have an elevated risk of cancer but not nearly as high as if we were still using.

I watch so many 20 something's and youngers come here gung-ho to quit and fade away as they realize how difficult it is. As a old fart I wish there was some way I could connect to them and make them understand how fast time passes and how they will wake up some day and realize they have thrown decades away living with this evil addiction. Addiction no matter what it is is a vile thief; they steal our lives, time, families, self respect, money and so much more. My ultimate conclusion, I can't quit for anyone else! I quit one day at a time for myself.

[2mch2lv4]

'Birthday'


:wub:

[Kubrick]

Day 774
It's been quite some time since I recorded my quit activity, so here is a quick update. I've been cruising along not even thinking about dip most days, finding myself slacking off at posting roll. I'm still an addict and always will be but I have a good stock of tools in my box to fight the temptations. Today I woke up after a wild dip dream and posted roll. The dream brought me back into reality that I'm always vulnerable. I also had another reminder yesterday, I had one of my last 2 molars on the bottom pulled. Every time I eat I'm reminded of what dip did to me. It's pretty damn hard to eat without teeth.
Every time I see someone join KTC and introduce theirselves and then fail to post roll I think of my 40+ years of not truly understanding what I was dealing with. Nicotine addiction is very powerful, however it's not more powerful than a motivated addict that wants to quit and has the tools (and uses them). I always wanted to quit but not as bad as I wanted to satisfy my craving. The realization that I was completely out of control and that I could never quit on my own lead me to beginning the climb from rock bottom.
Living nicotine free is awesome but that is just the beginning; learning to live that life doesn't happen automatically. Most of us never lived any part of our adult lives without nicotine. For me I feel that even after 2 years of being nicotine free I'm just beginning to understand and adjust to my new life.

Great post, as usual.

I can relate as I sneak up on two years. I find myself slacking on the role posting, but am also hardly thinking about dip, and I Fucking love it!!!

I feel guilty at times that I'm not posting roll every day, nor am I trying to help as many new quitters as I once did. However, it feels pretty damn good to finally be rolling through life without carrying such a heavy ass sandbag on my shoulders.

Quit on...

Please tell me I didn't just read casual mentions about not posting every day? Wouldn't expect this from you two quitters. Batting 1.000 is the only way. I'm 855 for 855...like fuck. Every damn day.

I'm not a 100% poster, but I'm also not advocating to not post roll. 711-0 against the bitch and damn proud of it.

Just want to see you here every day big Diesel...that's all I'm saying. For the record....I'm actually 856 for 856. I have to track days by other quitters...aka Cbird minus 11.

Can't get rid of me. I'm like the clap, I ain't going nowhere.

I was a 100% poster for a year and a half and I'm not advocating anyone not posting roll. I've been active for over two years now, just a little less than 100 days behind you coach and respect your quit and your activity outside of posting roll. I find myself learning to live life without KTC on a daily basis and for me some day down the road I plan to be able to gain the strength to resist the temptations. Until that day comes I will post roll frequently, maybe not daily but I have tools that are working for me. Of the thousands that quit posting at 100 days very few probably stay clean, for those that quit posting after 1 year I'm sure the % is better. For WT I'm far from ready to fool myself into thinking I'm ready to be weaned. I had two previous pauses of 3+ years each. Does that mean I'm as susceptible of caving now as I was in 1982 or 1995? No, I'm a different person, have different reasons for quitting and have tools I never had then. Am I cocky in saying I don't post daily? No, I'm just telling my story and expressing my feelings about my quit. Most of my tools to stay quit have been gained from KTC and my friends here but not all of them. I found an addiction recovery group (12 step) almost a year ago and I attend these meetings weekly with my wife. This group has become a very important part of my quit, these addicts are in my community and we share more than just addictions.
I find that the things I did in the past to pay forward the strength I received from the likes of you Coach are being filled by many strong quitters. The cycle of quitting, gaining confidence, paying forward your quit and gaining the ability to adjust to living life nicotine free is great to watch. The events that lead me to post this thread initially was one of those moments that reminded me of my addiction and my vulnerability. But I was also reminded of why I'm quit, where I've come from, what I need to do to remain quit and all those that have influenced my life this past 2+ years.

I miss roll occasionally as well. Most of the time it's because I completely forget and/or think I already posted roll because I've been doing it for over two years and the days sometimes run into each other. For example, I forgot to post roll on Wednesday, but I didn't even notice I forgot until I posted on Thursday. It's certainly not a conscious decision to miss roll on those days.

I still plan on posting roll for the foreseeable future, but yes, I might miss a day here and there mainly due to my absent mindedness and my 40 year old brain that forgets things these days that my 20 year old brain would have never forgotten. 'spin'