The caver's diary

[Deleted User (sccrockett)]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

I don't know you. But I heard the story a little bit. After the 3 questions, all I want to know is where is your promise to November. You said you were going to post up an hour and a half ago.

[CleanFuel]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

Bert,

I want to know what you are going to do differently. I want a quit plan. I want to know what you do for a living...what's your work shedule....do you sit behind a computer? Do you drive a bus? Do you lay shingles? I want to know when you plan on being on the website. I want to know if you are going to post roll 10 minutes after you wake up. I want to know if you are going to check in when you get home and tell everyone that you read all of roll call. I want to know how many people is too many for you to text on a daily basis. You've had my number from the start. I think you sent me 2 texts.

I'm different than many of the guys on this site. I can trust again. But you have to show me what you are going to do differently this time, and then follow through on it. You will have my support.

Actually, after writing all that...I want something new. I want you to find 5 people who have caved and come back to be successful quitters, 100 days or more. I want you to CALL them. I want you to post a cliffs notes version of what they did to regain the trust of their brothers and sister. What was their quit plan. What did they learn about themselves. Finding 5 is easy (I'm a nice enough guy to give you a headstart...buddy mac and wastepanel). Finding 5 that will help you is slightly tougher. Having the guts to beg for their number and actually dialing the phone will be toughest of all. You want to be quit? You want my support? You want my respect as a quitter on this site again? You want to avoid going back to the can? Do it. Make it happen. NOLAQ and I might very well be the only 2 people who support you. You just posted your mea culpa. I hope you get more, but you are gonna have to work to get mine.

And one last thing. Buddy Mac texts me his day every morning. 105 days straight. I want you to do the same thing. Every morning. Make it happen.

Wedge..

1. love the advice
2....Fuck you Bert....there I said it

However, I, like Wedge, don't hold a grudge......but I am not quit with you today....until you hit Day 4......embrace the suck and the horror without me.......cuz that is your foundation....

Make it to Day 4 and I am quit with you....

btw - change you self talk.....you are not a loser.....you just fucked up......get over it and move on......bitch....can I call you bitch? :-)

lets do this

[Wedge]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

Bert,

I want to know what you are going to do differently. I want a quit plan. I want to know what you do for a living...what's your work shedule....do you sit behind a computer? Do you drive a bus? Do you lay shingles? I want to know when you plan on being on the website. I want to know if you are going to post roll 10 minutes after you wake up. I want to know if you are going to check in when you get home and tell everyone that you read all of roll call. I want to know how many people is too many for you to text on a daily basis. You've had my number from the start. I think you sent me 2 texts.

I'm different than many of the guys on this site. I can trust again. But you have to show me what you are going to do differently this time, and then follow through on it. You will have my support.

Actually, after writing all that...I want something new. I want you to find 5 people who have caved and come back to be successful quitters, 100 days or more. I want you to CALL them. I want you to post a cliffs notes version of what they did to regain the trust of their brothers and sister. What was their quit plan. What did they learn about themselves. Finding 5 is easy (I'm a nice enough guy to give you a headstart...buddy mac and wastepanel). Finding 5 that will help you is slightly tougher. Having the guts to beg for their number and actually dialing the phone will be toughest of all. You want to be quit? You want my support? You want my respect as a quitter on this site again? You want to avoid going back to the can? Do it. Make it happen. NOLAQ and I might very well be the only 2 people who support you. You just posted your mea culpa. I hope you get more, but you are gonna have to work to get mine.

And one last thing. Buddy Mac texts me his day every morning. 105 days straight. I want you to do the same thing. Every morning. Make it happen.

[Mthomas3824]

  I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed
. 

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

So don't. Looks to me like enough was enough and you turned the corner. I am not accepting what you did but I believe that this quit and change is real and I want to be a party to your victory!

You know the battle and I know you can do this! Go get your integrity, it suits you well.

I am quit with you today and every day I wake.

[wastepanel]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

I'll support that approach.

That's a lot of words.

We all know we can't trust your words.

We also know that actions speak louder than words.

Fucking own this and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be a big boy.

Answer the three questions any time anybody asks, and just do this.

[Souliman]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

I'll support that approach.

[Nolaq]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree

Post your day 1 and I will Quit with you EVERY day.

[flyingfree]

I am a liar. I am a failure. I betrayed my quit brother's and sister's in August. I broke my promise. Over and over. I lost my honor. I wear a ring with "death before dishonor" on it. I'm a fucking joke.

The worst is how I lied to my fiance. Fucking straight out lied to her face. Deliberately deceived her. Continuously, constantly. Over and over. Broke our trust. Broke her heart.

Because I am an addict. I gave it all away for poison and a slow suicide and a quick fix.

I'm going to write about what happened, try to figure out why, and what I'm going to do different this time.

Because I have to quit to live. I have to QUIT to LIVE.

Because I don't want cancer. I don't want to die at 45 and leave my wife and kids behind. I don't want my jaw to rot off. I don't want to be a liar, a failure, a user, a betrayer, a disgrace, or ashamed.

I don't want to have to lie to my friends and family. I don't want to lose it all to a tin can.

So I'm going to work. Work the program, stay focused, post roll 1st thing everyday, keep my promise, call for help. And be honest.

If you are reading this, I hope at the least I can be an example of how to fail, so you can avoid my mistakes. I don't want to be famous, or infamous, I just want to fucking quit, but if my story helps you or someone else then use it.

If you want to help, please, I welcome your support. I'm going to need it because I am so weak and this addiction is so strong.

I know so many of you are angry, and I understand. I would be angry if I were in your place. If you want to take your shots, I have no defenses, and I deserve them.

Some people want me to leave. I've thought several times about dropping ktc, but it works for me when I use it. I just let it go, I relaxed and my addiction stole back into my life and took over. I always intended to stop, to confess, to fix it, but I couldn't or wouldn't. I just kept using, kept feeding that monster piece after piece of myself, kept saying I'll quit after this one, this is the last one, I swear no more after this one. I told myself, "its no so bad, I intend to quit, this is just a slip." Yeah, a fucking two month long slip. What a load of crap. But my addict brain just kept justifying everything. Breaking my promise on ktc is awful, but the worst is how I lied to my fiance. I feel disgusted. If someone else did what I did, I would think, "what a loser!" And thats how I think of myself now.

I'm a loser.

But, I have to quit to live. So I'm going to quit. Posting day 1 in November.

-flyingfree