Hidden habit

[ankape]

My goal isn’t to be able to breeze through my days and never think about my addiction. Everyday I’m around people dipping. It’s everywhere and it always will be. So will my addiction. My goal is to change how I think about it. My goal is to do whatever it takes, every day, to not allow any romanticizing of it.
  The last time I attempted to quit before KTC, I kept an unopened can in my normal hiding spot. Now, I’m not saying that’s a good method or a smart thing to do, but I do know why it worked for me for a while. It was because every day I looked at it and reminded myself of the reasons I didn’t want it. Over a year or so, it sat in that bag.  I finally decided it was pointless to keep it anymore. Besides, it had to have been all dried out.
     Well...maybe it was a coincidence, but it seems pretty ironic that only a few months later, I fell into my slow progression of romanticizing and eventually forgetting why I worked so hard. Now, I have people to remind me in case I forget. Thank you to all who post with me, message me, text with me, call me. I am truly grateful.

[oldschool]

Day 120
I’ve had a couple people mention how strong I am...well...it has been hard to be this honest with myself, but if I don’t - why am I here? Here goes...
    I wish those early days would have been harder. It seems like my physical withdrawals were pretty mild compared to most. I read about “embracing the suck” of the first couple weeks and I wish I’d had more suck to embrace. Now, I see people at my quit stage going most of the day and forgetting to post- totally spacing their addiction. I feel so far from that. Honestly, not a lot has changed in how I feel since the beginning. I spent over half my life stupidly training my brain to turn to nicotine when I get (among other things) overwhelmed. That is my hardest trigger. I have a very strong sense of duty. It’s probably my best and my worst quality. When I feel like I have more to do than I can handle- my brain associates nicotine with helping me get it done. I would often stay up late or all night -dip after dip- and hammer it out. In all my previous attempts to quit, that feeling, that association to productivity has never let up. I don’t know how long it will take to break it, but I know it must be at least years. So, as far as my quit -I don’t know if I’m strong, but I do know it’s going to be more about endurance.
     I will say, I’m really glad that I’ve kept this intro as a journal to look back on. It has helped me many times remember that the guilt of putting that poison in my body again- letting myself, my family and everyone here who has invested time to help me get where I am-...that guilt would be much worse. It’s also a great reminder of all the incredible people who have looked out for me.
I’m truly so thankful for you all!

Ankape, please keep blogging it out!  If you touch just one person, the time it took to write was worth it 10 times over.  You inspired me today.

Your introspection is profound.  We can only grow if we need to.

Be thankful that as using nicotine becomes more distant you have realized this is truly about addiction and you personal triggers.

 Proud to quit with you today.  And, thank for your perspective - I needed it.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 120
I’ve had a couple people mention how strong I am...well...it has been hard to be this honest with myself, but if I don’t - why am I here? Here goes...
    I wish those early days would have been harder. It seems like my physical withdrawals were pretty mild compared to most. I read about “embracing the suck” of the first couple weeks and I wish I’d had more suck to embrace. Now, I see people at my quit stage going most of the day and forgetting to post- totally spacing their addiction. I feel so far from that. Honestly, not a lot has changed in how I feel since the beginning. I spent over half my life stupidly training my brain to turn to nicotine when I get (among other things) overwhelmed. That is my hardest trigger. I have a very strong sense of duty. It’s probably my best and my worst quality. When I feel like I have more to do than I can handle- my brain associates nicotine with helping me get it done. I would often stay up late or all night -dip after dip- and hammer it out. In all my previous attempts to quit, that feeling, that association to productivity has never let up. I don’t know how long it will take to break it, but I know it must be at least years. So, as far as my quit -I don’t know if I’m strong, but I do know it’s going to be more about endurance.
     I will say, I’m really glad that I’ve kept this intro as a journal to look back on. It has helped me many times remember that the guilt of putting that poison in my body again- letting myself, my family and everyone here who has invested time to help me get where I am-...that guilt would be much worse. It’s also a great reminder of all the incredible people who have looked out for me.
I’m truly so thankful for you all!

Wow can I relate to this ankape. I’m not sure I ever really felt overwhelmed while I was using...which happened to be my entire adult life. It’s a feeling I’ve become accustomed to over the last 222 days.  However, I (like you) have decided to not use nicotine anymore...we choose life one day at a time. I’ve struggled but it is just a bit less daunting now than it was weeks ago.  I trust those that have walked before us that say it gets easier. We will find a way (some day) to be as productive as we used to be and find joy in that industriousness without the use of nicotine. No matter how bad days have been, they have always ended. We can do this ODAAT.
PTBQWYT my friend

[Athan]

...-I don’t know if I’m strong, but I do know it’s going to be more about endurance.

When we are strong we add strength to those around us. Victory is contagious. One of the reasons I enjoy reading intro's (yours in particular). Life is an endurance run, as such we need to feed on victory. Cull out that which does not strengthen and edify. Docpac of April '20 wrote that if it does not serve you it does not deserve space in your life. Too true. You ARE strong by the way. What you have accomplished you have done in spite of nicotine, not because of it.

...that guilt would be much worse....

one of the reasons I value dip dreams; a proverbial glimpse of the price of failure. If our successes and failure really do reverberate into the spheres of others, then we do have a responsibility."...from those who have been given much, much will be expected"

[ankape]

Day 120
I’ve had a couple people mention how strong I am...well...it has been hard to be this honest with myself, but if I don’t - why am I here? Here goes...
    I wish those early days would have been harder. It seems like my physical withdrawals were pretty mild compared to most. I read about “embracing the suck” of the first couple weeks and I wish I’d had more suck to embrace. Now, I see people at my quit stage going most of the day and forgetting to post- totally spacing their addiction. I feel so far from that. Honestly, not a lot has changed in how I feel since the beginning. I spent over half my life stupidly training my brain to turn to nicotine when I get (among other things) overwhelmed. That is my hardest trigger. I have a very strong sense of duty. It’s probably my best and my worst quality. When I feel like I have more to do than I can handle- my brain associates nicotine with helping me get it done. I would often stay up late or all night -dip after dip- and hammer it out. In all my previous attempts to quit, that feeling, that association to productivity has never let up. I don’t know how long it will take to break it, but I know it must be at least years. So, as far as my quit -I don’t know if I’m strong, but I do know it’s going to be more about endurance.
     I will say, I’m really glad that I’ve kept this intro as a journal to look back on. It has helped me many times remember that the guilt of putting that poison in my body again- letting myself, my family and everyone here who has invested time to help me get where I am-...that guilt would be much worse. It’s also a great reminder of all the incredible people who have looked out for me.
I’m truly so thankful for you all!

[Keith0617]

I was driving home from work last night, coming down with a nasty virus and feeling miserable. It struck me how thankful I was that I didn’t have to stop and buy a can and then somehow figure out how to dip, breathe and cough at the same time. It’s the little things sometimes...thankful to be quit!

Dipping with a plugged nose was the worst!! Oh wait...dipping was the worst part about that whole situation. 

Hope you feel better ankape. You truly are blessed to have such a great quit mentality and for being such a great leader throughout the boards. Keep up the great work and I am most certainly PTQWY

Keep rocking it!!!

[Bug Guy]

I was driving home from work last night, coming down with a nasty virus and feeling miserable. It struck me how thankful I was that I didn’t have to stop and buy a can and then somehow figure out how to dip, breathe and cough at the same time. It’s the little things sometimes...thankful to be quit!

Dipping with a plugged nose was the worst!! Oh wait...dipping was the worst part about that whole situation. 

Hope you feel better ankape. You truly are blessed to have such a great quit mentality and for being such a great leader throughout the boards. Keep up the great work and I am most certainly PTQWY

[MN_Engineer]

I was driving home from work last night, coming down with a nasty virus and feeling miserable. It struck me how thankful I was that I didn’t have to stop and buy a can and then somehow figure out how to dip, breathe and cough at the same time. It’s the little things sometimes...thankful to be quit!

Dipping with a plugged nose was the worst!! Oh wait...dipping was the worst part about that whole situation. 

[ankape]

I was driving home from work last night, coming down with a nasty virus and feeling miserable. It struck me how thankful I was that I didn’t have to stop and buy a can and then somehow figure out how to dip, breathe and cough at the same time. It’s the little things sometimes...thankful to be quit!

[DonkeyMN]

Great job getting to that HOF line Ankape!  You earned it.  Keep fighting,  days 100-200 are no picnic  - but ODAAT, you got this.  Congrats!

[Athan]

  Congrats on the 1st floor my friend.  You are a constant pillar of strength and an inspiration for us all.  Keep it up girl.  Holding that line...shoulder to shoulder.

PTBQWYT my friend.

Hey ladyquitmasterdeluxe! You're the real deal, rockin the quit, payin it forward, showin others how it's done. You've got yourself a golden ticket to quitsville and it doesn't expire unless you let it. Keep going!

[FLLipOut]

  Congrats on the 1st floor my friend.  You are a constant pillar of strength and an inspiration for us all.  Keep it up girl.  Holding that line...shoulder to shoulder.

PTBQWYT my friend.

What Hag said! 



Congrats on HOF ankape!!!  Quitters like you help invigorate us old timers with your enthusiasm and support!  Keep doing your thing, girl!   

[EXBEARHAG]

  Congrats on the 1st floor my friend.  You are a constant pillar of strength and an inspiration for us all.  Keep it up girl.  Holding that line...shoulder to shoulder.

PTBQWYT my friend.

[ankape]

Diggin' the new avatar! Keep rocking it rockstar, that's what you do!

@Athan thank you! Man, I appreciate you!

[Athan]

Diggin' the new avatar! Keep rocking it rockstar, that's what you do!