Hello community,
I am writing this here because honestly I have never told my story. To anyone. I am a 34 year old who has been using tobacco in one way or another since I was 24. The irony is I started using tobacco when I was pre-med in college. Since then I have successfully completed medical school and worked as a military physician for the Marine Corps for 4 years and am now back in residency.
I had my first cigarette while doing an intensive 9 week organic chemistry course to prepare for my MCAT. I was stressed, studying or in class 16 hours a day and my roommate at the time (also in the same class) would take cigarette breaks every two hours and come back looking energized and more focused. So I started to join him. This lead to me smoking cigarettes all the way up until my last year in medical school. Medical school is brutal and I found keeping track of my day by when my next cigarette was going to be. At my peak I was smoking about 10 cigarettes a day, but was definitely addicted.
I knew that cigarette use was not inline with my career choice (although the medical field has a high alcohol/tobacco use). I quit cold turkey. Haven't had a cigarette since. Other than the first few days I didn't find quitting cigarettes all that hard. Part of it was I moved, got married and started my first year of residency at the same time so a lot of the associations I coupled with cigarette use were gone by default. I did well tobacco free for a few months until I got onto a hard rotation which involved a commute. I was working anywhere from 60-80 hour weeks and started feeling the urge to smoke again to help with the exhaustion. One of my co-residents noticed I was extremely tired at the end of a shift and knew I was about to drive home. He offered me a SNUS to stay awake. I had never done any smokeless tobacco before and though why not. SNUS escalated to skoal pouches, then two pouches at a time, then to longcut dip to get the nicotine I needed.
I have been dipping every since. The amount I have dipped over the past few years has varied considerably with stress levels, deployment cycles, etc but have been consistently been dipping 1/2 - 1 can a day now for 5 years. I have been married for 6 years now and have two sons, a 3 and a 1 year old. I am finally to the point where I actually WANT to quit. I have always known I should quit, but the want was never enough. I quit for a month about 7 months ago but then went through the stress of moving and starting a new position and was right back on it. I am sick of hiding it. My wife has caught me multiple times but I mostly have kept it hidden. I dip on the way to work, during backroom breaks, lunch break, on the way home, while showering, and after everyone else goes to bed. I am addicted.
This quit attempt I have decided to follow the advice I have given many of my patients and join a support group. I also have decided to stop hiding behind my guilt and have told my wife everything. She confessed she knew I was dipping but didn't know to the extent.
So now I am on day 3, currently on vacation. Feeling in a fog, tired, sucking down jolly ranchers and eating sunflower seeds like it's my job. I've appreciated reading your stories and am thankful for the transparency and honesty I have seen thus far. Thanks for your time and support.