Day 201
Feels like I been kicked in the head by an elephant. Woke up to depression and anxiety with a headache. I’m trying to convince myself that this shall pass but at this point it feels like it will never end. Nicotine must be way more damaging to our CNS than I ever imagined because my past stops resulted in zero withdrawal so I figured I’d quit and just go on with life as before. WRONG!!!!! I don’t know what is so different this time. Same brand of dip and actually chewed for only 4 years versus decades in a row before my last symptomless stops. Maybe Kodiak changed the formula since 2005 when I stopped last. I’m so disappointed in myself for blowing a 14 year stop. I went years without even thinking about dip. Zero craving after the first week or so. WTF was so different this time?? Same dip same brain. I promise not to dip today. Nicotine can go fuck it’s self.
Worktowin 4,023. Relaxing day today. Sphere show was amazing. Look back bro. You’ve had some good days recently.
MN/2,805 - each moment without nicotine in your system is winning even when everything else offers the opposite impression. Always here to help you in any way that I can. QLAMF ODAAT
Today is an absolute mind fuck. It blows my mind where a guy can have several days with little to no symptoms and in an instant you are back in full blown withdrawal and struggling for your mental life. I’m crawling out of my skin with anxiety and severe brain fog. I can’t sit still and I’m too exhausted to do anything physical. 201 days out with no improvement. I literally feel like I’m back in day 3. I don’t get it!!!! 201 days is a long long time. I’m starting to think that maybe there is actually something else wrong. I’m thinking about going to have some head scans done to see if there is something physically wrong with my brain. Out of 201 days of quit I have felt like shit for most of them. I still refuse to dip today.
Bro...
I am feeling for you. Truly.
To repeat once again... I'm NO expert so take this with a grain of salt.
I personally don't think this is withdrawal, at this point. Not in the physical sense that nicotine does to us all. That was left behind a LONG time ago. This is mental. This is psychological. You're stuck in a mental loop of some sort and it's kicking your ass. I've had it happen before too, dude. When something traumatic happens and in that trauma you make other mental associations, you can really get buggered up. Between September of '22 to April of this year, I had 5 family members die.
Five.
Not peripheral people either... direct, close circle immediate family members. My Gran, my aunt, my cousin, my stepdad, my mom.
That. Is. A. Lot.
That was so much grief to deal with that I didn't have time to find balance in between each passing.
It started by watching my Gran die. She was in a memory care facility and had a MASSIVE stroke. End of life level. My grandparents were pivotal people in raising me so watching her waste away and fade to nothing over the course of a week was one of the toughest things I've ever witnessed. I was also executor of my grandparents estate too... lots of that kind of stuff to be dealing with all while watching her fade. My sleep started to shrink badly at that point and between exhaustion and my own tendency towards anxiety, I got stuck in a bad loop. Then came he holidays that I didn't enjoy and then the death of an aunt a few days after Christmas, then the death of a cousin at the beginning of January, then the death of my stepdad at the end of January, then the TOTALLY unexpected death of my mom on Easter morning (went into the hospital for some tests related to her bad health and found out she had lung cancer that was chewing her up). She went into the hospital Saturday morning and died the next morning on Easter. Wtf?!
Dude.
My sleep is still off and I've felt like I've been waiting for the next bad event.
For months now.
During this time, my brain has made some bad, but natural, associations related to all those huge events.
I got stuck in a loop of grief and anxiety and... who knows. Just lots and lots of mental garbage and baggage.
Get some help, bro.
Please.
There ain't NO shame in taking care of yourself and getting a bit of an assist so you can find your balance again. You have to break out of the loop. Anxiety is a thinking problem about a thinking problem.
That was rambling... my apologies. Lol! I spent 13 hrs on flights getting home from Europe yesterday... I'm punchy.
You got this, man.
You do.
AJ... 3,909
