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You know when I started this quit. It was just I am done with dipping. There was no changing my life or wanting to dig into my past or trauma or heal anything.
Now granted it qasnt just dip, weekly therapy has been a game changer combined with quitting. But man...126,days in and I can myself at my core changing, letting shit go that wasnt mine to carry. Realizing that I was keeping myself in a hole instead of allowing myself and others to pick me up.
I was stuck fighting a war that was already won. She survived, she was no longer in danger and had healed and yet I carried the burden, the grief, I carried the death, the screams of anguish... and then I kept piling on. Instead of letting go I added more weight . I lived off of pain and anguish. It fed my fire, and gave me a purpose. I would use dip to cope with the misery I was in.
That "purpose" was in reality, killing myself.
She saw me drowning. She had come back multiple times everytime with a hand out and I just couldnt see it. I was pulling her back down into the hell she escaped from so she would leave to save herself and her children....but she came back.
She never gave up. She willingly faced that hell over snd over again to pull me up and out of it. It just took me a decade to realize it and let her. I always thiught she didnt stay because I wasnt worth staying for.
In reality her coming back over and over was her proving i was worth it..I just had to stop fighting and let it all go.
Thats a different kind of love. I sacrificed everything for her to live and I would again. I gave my entire being so she may live and she did. Shes happy and healed now. What I didnt realize is she has always done the same for me. Shes always came back. Its been 13 years and she came back again.
