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ODAAT...I Was Killing Myself
I don't mean that I was intentionally killing myself. I thought I was fine. In fact, if you had said I was I would of rolled my eyes threw in a dip and said "yea shit sucks but oh well...fuck it"
One day in 2012 I met a woman...who would end up being the most important person on the entire planet for me. I fell in love instantly. The connection was there for both of us. I was from GA she was from Cali, she was beautiful and her heart and her soul were just. Man they were beautiful. I have never met someone so pure hearted and just good at their core.
About 7 months later she left me. Not because we were not in love but because another man had basically tied his life to her staying and she could not leave that. Understandably she wanted to save him. As much as I hated it then and now, I understand what happened. She got dragged down to hell by a toxic soul and then he took his own life, knowing it would kill her, and not caring.
She called me that morning and it was decided before she ever finished talking that I would not let her die. She would live no matter the cost. I would burn the planet to see her live. She had a little girl. A beautiful daughter and I drilled into her head that she had to live for her. I do not know if that worked, or if it was just the fact I told her to give it all to me and I would carry her. She did. She gave it all to me and i carried her life, her grief, her horror while I was heart broken from losing her. Being still head over heels in love with her, listening to her grieve another man that I hated, even more so then. But none of that mattered... what mattered was her living. One night I got a message from a friend of hers that she had committed suicide. I have never felt such a soul crushing and horrific pain. The screams that left my throat that night I can not forget... I was in such horror.
Yea that was a fucking lie made up by her friend to I guess create drama or insert herself into it? But the damage had been done. I knew what her losing her life was like and I refused to ever allow that...I did not care what happened to me....she had to live.
She did...by the grace of god it worked. She had a long road to go to heal but she was alive. That's what mattered the most. That is all that mattered to me. I was...broke. I was full of panic and grief and anger that was not even all mine, plus my own heartbreak and grief and things I could not process....I swallowed all of it. Shut it off to the world and ignored it. I got my can of grizzly and I sucked it the fuck up.
I tell you all that so you can see the last major event that set my past 13 years into motion...no it was not the only trauma ive experienced, but it is important for a reason.
Following that? Yea life sucked, but you put our head down and suck it the fuck up. Get some intestinal fortitude and face it like a man, others did so can you. That was what I told myself everyday for 13 years. Heartbreak happens? You did not do enough, you were not good enough... quit being a failure and get back to work. We got bills to pay.
Someone took advantage of you? You did not do enough to earn them staying so you deserved it.
You can't eat because you are a broke bitch? You cant afford food? Then drink coffee, you failed so you deserve to starve. Ope that house you were rebuilding is falling apart? Guess what embrace living in a mice infested hole with the ceiling falling in and holes in the floor because that is where you belong. You have not proven you deserve more so suck it the fuck up. Dont have water? Go get some 5 gallon buckets and fill them up at the local well. Suck it up you will make it. You want to eat? Then figure it the fuck out on $10,000 a year and no one gives a fuck. You keep going or you die, so you keep going. You don't need shit besides dip. Throw in a horseshoe up top and on bottom and figure it the fuck out. Work shit jobs for shit pay, you have to earn it. You finally make money and can be comfortable? Take on someone else's debt and save them because you have been there and they do not deserve it. You do. You can take it, you will take it and you well embrace the pain.
Your bones hurt? You stiff from work and have injuries? Suck it up, nobody got time for the doctors. You got a bum ass ankle? Suck it up and keep walking, you do not malinger and let that be an excuse. Be better than everybody, give it all to your job to prove to them you are worth it. You do not get paid well? You did not earn it, you suck. Do fucking better. Stop failing. Stop being an utter failure.
Yea...that's how I lived through every day of my life for 13 years. It just is what it is. I said fuck you world throw your darkest shit at me I can take it...and I mean I was not wrong. I did. I faced demons head on everyday. Demons of suicide that were not my own, demons of grief and sadness and anger and pain that were never mine to hold. Impossible expectations of perfection that had been a self imposed demon my entire life.
About 4 years ago I was having panic attacks. I did not know that's what they were...but I called the suicide hotline because I just...I needed somebody...anybody to help me. I knew something was wrong. The guy on the line said "Wow, I do not know how you have not considered suicide yet, well done" and I always saw that as odd. No...suicide was for broken people, I am not broken I can take this shit. Fuck them.
Every step of the way I grabbed a can of grizzly and threw in pinches. Three cans a day and if I had time four. I would of done a log a day if i could of afforded it. It was the only way I could keep my nerves calm and I could relax. She would come back and try to re-enter my life and she would leave again. Leaving me even more heartbroken and just further convincing myself I was not enough for her to choose me. Like always I was not enough.
January 2025 I get a message from her...she is back and she is promising to not leave. I told her I believed her, but I mean come on. I knew better, she was married now and had kids and had healed and forgot all about me...I did not matter. I did not do enough to earn her staying in my life. I am not dumb.
Turns out I could not be any more dumb if I tried to be. I was so far down the hole that I could not see that she had chosen to come back. Several times. She probably was better off staying away, but the bond we shared from those early days...she was back because she knew I was in trouble. Deep deep trouble. I did not.
It was not an instant realization. We talk every day and she did not push it hard. She just kept nudging, in her way. Her bossy ass way lol. When I quit nicotine and told her I think she knew then I was ready to come out of the hell. See what I did not know is when I willingly stepped into hell for her I stayed in there deep. I fought it for her. But i was still fighting that war I had already won. I was facing demons everyday head on for 12 years and loved the pain. That fed my soul...kept me burning, fuck em all. I can take it and I will because I am too damn stubborn to give up. I stared at them deep in their souls and spit in their face.
Only now.....they were landing blows...before I could fight them all and laugh at them. Now I was taking hits and I was losing ground. I was not going to give in, but...I was being overwhelmed.
I was like that Japanese guy like 30 years after WW2 still fighting a guerilla war. I could not see I had won. I just saw she was in danger and my life did not matter if she was not safe.
She knew I was there. She knew I was on the brink of never being able to return. She knew and she chose to come back to even though she is happily married. Has her kids and a beautiful family that I have a hard time even believing she has. It is a blessing she made it. She is my miracle.
I did not see that... I just refused to believe I could not be loved far past any kind of romantic love. That's not marriage love, that is a undying, unconditional pure love. I am not worthy of that.
She is doing the same thing for me I did 12 years ago...walking through the fires of hell for each of us to get out. Because we can not on our own.
It was the exact same thing I had being crying for and begging for and beating myself up over for the pat 12 years....it was there all along. I just did not let myself see it. I buried my head in the pain, in dip, in the war and said fuck it I can do this....
I was stupid, because the love I have never had in my life was there all along. Now we will never be married but...me and her? We got something a lot more than that. I will love her till the day I day, and for eternity after. That my friends is true, pure, honest love.
The point in this is not too brag or tell a love story. The point of this is to tell you that I know more of you are lost. You were not in the same battle I was but we were in the same war. We have been fighting back demon after demons and lying to ourselves that we are not that bad.
I promise you, you are weaker than you think by yourself. You are not going to survive tha way for forever. Do not wait until it tears you apart and destroys you until you are essentially dead. Speak up and reach out. Somebody is there. It is hard and it is painful. I quit nicotine and that mixed with therapy and man...I am facing some cold hard truths. But that is ok because I have my KTC family and her holding me up. I will be better.
