16 years later, I quit

[MN_Engineer]

241

Break the cycle.

I've spent, well really my entire life, but especially these last 15 years having my life ran by demons. I'd go 2-3 years trying to have a life and build towards something and then I'd get knocked down and the fear and despair would take over and I would wash my hands of everything and walk away. I'd walk away from jobs, houses, cars, people, everything.

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle the darkness that was at the door. So I walked away from it and his behind dip and ran. I moved across the country I ran so far. But it always catches up to you.

You can fill your life with as much distraction or nicotine or alcohol or whatever but it's still there at the door. There's no outrunning it, there's no ignoring it forever. The only choice is to open the door and walk through it and come out the other side.

Monday, my truck breaking down threw me into such a spiral. The severe despair hit me immediately but instead of letting the panic and the darkness take me. Instead of walking away, washing my hands and disappearing I instead took action, solved the problem and then faced it.

I sat in it, let the emotions hit. I let the fear and guilt and despair and loneliness and exhaustion hit. I faced it and went to work in spite of it. I refused to accept defeat. I was ready. I was ready to wash my hands of everything and start dipping just so I could feel peace and relief again. But I knew those lies all too well.

I refused to let it run me, I forced myself to go do my job. I scheduled therapy for Wednesday but I went to work Tuesday and forced myself to live. Then Wednesday I had therapy where I finally was able to talk to someone.

Yes I have several people at KTC I know I could pick up the phone and go through anything with. I am not there yet. I'm such a withdrawing, solo person. All I have ever had in my life is myself so when it comes down to it I am so much more comfortable alone. I trust no one but myself truly, and even then I don't trust myself.

It will get better, this week suddenly turned into a battle I was not prepared for but it's one I'm ready to finally face. My demons don't get to run me anymore. The fear, the guilt the despair doesn't get to be in charge anymore.

This is my life.

Proud of you brother! My digits are always available for the asking for when you are ready to expand your network. I'm Day 378 alcohol free today and have been doing counseling for the past few years - there is always room for more healing and growth. Happy to be on this journey with you.

[BigRedDog]

241

Break the cycle.

I've spent, well really my entire life, but especially these last 15 years having my life ran by demons. I'd go 2-3 years trying to have a life and build towards something and then I'd get knocked down and the fear and despair would take over and I would wash my hands of everything and walk away. I'd walk away from jobs, houses, cars, people, everything.

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle the darkness that was at the door. So I walked away from it and his behind dip and ran. I moved across the country I ran so far. But it always catches up to you.

You can fill your life with as much distraction or nicotine or alcohol or whatever but it's still there at the door. There's no outrunning it, there's no ignoring it forever. The only choice is to open the door and walk through it and come out the other side.

Monday, my truck breaking down threw me into such a spiral. The severe despair hit me immediately but instead of letting the panic and the darkness take me. Instead of walking away, washing my hands and disappearing I instead took action, solved the problem and then faced it.

I sat in it, let the emotions hit. I let the fear and guilt and despair and loneliness and exhaustion hit. I faced it and went to work in spite of it. I refused to accept defeat. I was ready. I was ready to wash my hands of everything and start dipping just so I could feel peace and relief again. But I knew those lies all too well.

I refused to let it run me, I forced myself to go do my job. I scheduled therapy for Wednesday but I went to work Tuesday and forced myself to live. Then Wednesday I had therapy where I finally was able to talk to someone.

Yes I have several people at KTC I know I could pick up the phone and go through anything with. I am not there yet. I'm such a withdrawing, solo person. All I have ever had in my life is myself so when it comes down to it I am so much more comfortable alone. I trust no one but myself truly, and even then I don't trust myself.

It will get better, this week suddenly turned into a battle I was not prepared for but it's one I'm ready to finally face. My demons don't get to run me anymore. The fear, the guilt the despair doesn't get to be in charge anymore.

This is my life.

[BigRedDog]

238

Well that didn't take long for something stupid to happen. Truck goes boom and suddenly I'm in emergency car buying mode and stressed the hell out.

Didn't have the urge to pack a lip though so that's something. Wild how much you can change your life and your mind in 200 days

All it takes is quitting.

That simple.

[BigRedDog]

236

Time is moving so fast I don't even remember there being a day 231-235. Tattoo gets finished Tuesday, get through the holidays without losing my mind and we will have accomplished something.

[BigRedDog]

223

Days are ticking off like crazy now for me... Which is wild it took 200 days to happen but finally its gotten to where it almost surprises me everyday that I'm 200+ days in. I find myself trying to remember where the days went.

Been a wild last week, what's even crazier is I haven't wanted nicotine through it all. I find myself focusing on the next day my therapy is more than anything which is a much better mechanism than nicotine ever was.

Never would of thought a tattoo would be what finally made me admit what I knew all along. That my blood family and I are not the same. Our values are not the same and I have to stop chasing their approval. Just like with nicotine this is my life and it's time I live it for me and not for them.

Continuing to move towards taking control of my life.

[BigRedDog]

217

The quitting journey has revealed itself to be more than anything I could of seen coming. Which is probably a good thing.

It's no surprise really that I lined up my quit with my decision to finally address my mental health, I just didn't realize how entertwined the two are.

[BigRedDog]

210

First version of the tattoo done, a celebration of 200 and no option to cave now with KTC on my shoulder

Will fill in the white in a month or two, was too much tonight

[BigRedDog]

209

May I never forget the journey, and the opportunity I am giving myself. The new chance on life I am giving myself.

May I never forget any of the past 209 days or any day before that.

This week is the first time I will finally break out a little bit from the mold of what I was convinced from an early age I had to be. My next step on finding the me I want to be. Letting myself enjoy and do things I always wanted to do.

[BigRedDog]

205

Idk time is kinda flying and moving slow

In a weird mindset right now where I just don't care about anything or anyone right now. Therapist said it's probably just stemming from the amount of change I'm going through and not having the capacity right now for everything which is fair enough.

She described it as basically a pyramid and I've removed the "pillars" that held my life up. The nicotine, the ignoring of issues and running from them.

I'm now changing my entire life so it makes sense that I feel destabilized and anxiety is high and level of patience is gone. It's just not who I am used to being.

Starting to realize that I am going to be somebody different after all, it's not the same old me anymore. I feel lost because I am, the old me is gone and now it's time to create the new version of myself and stop being afraid of the new one.

Stop trying to hold onto things in the past that don't serve me. I'm ready to move forward

[BigRedDog]

196

It's funny how caves efdect me nowadays. Sure they irritate me especially with some shit about how "they need a phone call instead of texts" like me and a hundred others aren't a dm away at any point.

But idk this one hit me different, I don't even know Sid...but it really made me think back to where I was.

I have never hidden that I have massive mental health struggles. A full fledged panic disorder and extreme anxiety being ignored for my whole life, but intensely these past 13 years really did a number on my mental health.

The hardest part was accepting and acknowledging that... Realistically, I was one bad thing away from putting a gun to my head.

No I never had those specific thoughts, but...I was so beat down, so just alone and the ones I tried to pretend cared were just taking more and more. I was spiraling hard. Had been for years.

Peyton pushed me to seek help, but it took till April when one day I was just done with dip for me to start changing.

Without KTC idk if I'd be alive right now, because I'm no longer alone. I'm no longer having to fight by myself.

Sure it's my burdens to handle but now there's a pat on the back or a toast to my efforts instead of just me and my brain ripping myself apart.

I've got a ways to go, it ain't easy or fun...but it'll be worth it.

One day, at a time

[BigRedDog]

191

There be a changing

I've noticed I've started growing and healing as a person.... I'm changing and growing as a person

It's wild when unread back how much I have changed
, here's to day 192 and how I'll change then as well

[BigRedDog]

187

Electric callboy -revery

Calmer nowadays, anxiety is lower panic has subsided... We move forward

[BigRedDog]

185

Something something inspirational

Merh

[BigRedDog]

181

The panic attacks and anxiety are absolutely ravaging me right now... I'm having to take what are essentially sedatives to stay out of the hospital from my BP sky rocketing to 220/180 levels

I'm physically ill and it's just the anxiety...and I refuse to let it beat me. This is why I became quit.

This is the war that has ravaged my mind for far decades, and for far too long I let it run it's course and beat me down....no longer

One day a time I fight back and beat it back...one day at a time I wake up to the anxiety and panic alarms going off in my brain and tell it to fuck off and push through

I want my life back, and I will have it

[BigRedDog]

178 and man this is so much harder than I thought it would.

Not being without nicotine, I haven't crave or had the oral fixation bother me once this week.

But my nieces visited Saturday for one day...little did know that it would be the first trigger to set off my brain for the entire week.

Idk why it cracked the faucet in my brain, but combined with the photo of the kid I have seen in 13 years and realizing I missed her entire life ...man that just shot open an entire flood of so much trauma and pain.

I'm sick as fuck after an entire week of stress and anxiety and sleepless nights.

It'll be worth it, so I keep pushing through.

But may I never forget what this was like, may I never forget how bad things have gotten for me.

I can't go back. Only forward.