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Author Topic: 16 years later, I quit  (Read 30746 times)

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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #59 on: November 04, 2025, 11:24:51 PM »
196

It's funny how caves efdect me nowadays. Sure they irritate me especially with some shit about how "they need a phone call instead of texts" like me and a hundred others aren't a dm away at any point.

But idk this one hit me different, I don't even know Sid...but it really made me think back to where I was.

I have never hidden that I have massive mental health struggles. A full fledged panic disorder and extreme anxiety being ignored for my whole life, but intensely these past 13 years really did a number on my mental health.

The hardest part was accepting and acknowledging that... Realistically, I was one bad thing away from putting a gun to my head.

No I never had those specific thoughts, but...I was so beat down, so just alone and the ones I tried to pretend cared were just taking more and more. I was spiraling hard. Had been for years.

Peyton pushed me to seek help, but it took till April when one day I was just done with dip for me to start changing.

Without KTC idk if I'd be alive right now, because I'm no longer alone. I'm no longer having to fight by myself.

Sure it's my burdens to handle but now there's a pat on the back or a toast to my efforts instead of just me and my brain ripping myself apart.

I've got a ways to go, it ain't easy or fun...but it'll be worth it.

One day, at a time
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #58 on: October 30, 2025, 10:28:37 PM »
191

There be a changing

I've noticed I've started growing and healing as a person.... I'm changing and growing as a person

It's wild when unread back how much I have changed
, here's to day 192 and how I'll change then as well
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #57 on: October 26, 2025, 10:37:37 PM »
187

Electric callboy -revery

Calmer nowadays, anxiety is lower panic has subsided... We move forward
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #56 on: October 24, 2025, 09:15:49 AM »
185

Something something inspirational

Merh
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #55 on: October 20, 2025, 06:53:36 PM »
181

The panic attacks and anxiety are absolutely ravaging me right now... I'm having to take what are essentially sedatives to stay out of the hospital from my BP sky rocketing to 220/180 levels

I'm physically ill and it's just the anxiety...and I refuse to let it beat me. This is why I became quit.

This is the war that has ravaged my mind for far decades, and for far too long I let it run it's course and beat me down....no longer

One day a time I fight back and beat it back...one day at a time I wake up to the anxiety and panic alarms going off in my brain and tell it to fuck off and push through

I want my life back, and I will have it
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #54 on: October 17, 2025, 06:23:48 AM »
178 and man this is so much harder than I thought it would.

Not being without nicotine, I haven't crave or had the oral fixation bother me once this week.

But my nieces visited Saturday for one day...little did know that it would be the first trigger to set off my brain for the entire week.

Idk why it cracked the faucet in my brain, but combined with the photo of the kid I have seen in 13 years and realizing I missed her entire life ...man that just shot open an entire flood of so much trauma and pain.

I'm sick as fuck after an entire week of stress and anxiety and sleepless nights.

It'll be worth it, so I keep pushing through.

But may I never forget what this was like, may I never forget how bad things have gotten for me.

I can't go back. Only forward.
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #53 on: October 13, 2025, 08:17:20 PM »
174 - burning house by cam
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Offline Candoit

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2025, 01:48:05 PM »
Quote from: BigRedDog on October 13, 2025, 12:08:02 PM
174..ODAAT

Tomorrow is my first ever in person therapy....absolutely shitting bricks today about it and as it gets closer my brain is screaming to not go

But theres only one way to heal, and thats to move forward....
You are 100% right. There is no other choice but forward. I remember being in that place seeing no other way but forward
Quote from: Candoit on August 24, 2015, 09:55:00 AM
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Fear is not scared
Failure is not losing
Happiness is not painless
Success is not happiness
Pride is not ego
Honor is not selfish
Selfless is not loneliness
Sadness is not joyless
Smiling is not with out tears
Discovery is not with out frustration
Compassion is not selfless
Anger is not hate
Hate is not terminal
Moving forward is not moving on

We use too many synonyms in our lives. In doing so we forget that feelings and emotions are not singluar entities. They are complex layers that are codependent. You cannot experience one with out the others. To denie the existence of the others breeds one: resentment.
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There are no circumstances in which using nicotine will improve the outcome.

My journey. The best part it is not over yet.

Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #51 on: October 13, 2025, 12:08:02 PM »
174..ODAAT

Tomorrow is my first ever in person therapy....absolutely shitting bricks today about it and as it gets closer my brain is screaming to not go

But theres only one way to heal, and thats to move forward....
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Offline MN_Engineer

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #50 on: October 13, 2025, 09:12:09 AM »
Quote from: BigRedDog on October 12, 2025, 11:27:23 AM
173

Anxiety is high, I gotta get this under control
Be patient with yourself. 173 days is badass but your brain and body still need time to adjust and heal.

Proud to be quit with you today!
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #49 on: October 12, 2025, 11:27:23 AM »
173

Anxiety is high, I gotta get this under control
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #48 on: October 11, 2025, 10:02:30 PM »
172, nieces came to visit for a day... alwaya had to hide a pinch with them around

Not anymore, damn proud to be quit today
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #47 on: October 10, 2025, 08:37:50 PM »
Side note. This year Peyton gets to watch her daughter be a cheerleader in highschool..  got to see her daughter have her first bf

There was a time 13 years ago I was giving everything just so shed see her little toddler the next morning...I sacrificed alot for her to stay alive

Its just further proof it was worth every bit of what ive been through
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #46 on: October 10, 2025, 06:55:16 PM »
171

Today I made the switch from online therapy to in person...another sign of improvement

Things are improving one day at a time. ODAAT

The key to everything
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Offline BigRedDog

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Re: 16 years later, I quit
« Reply #45 on: October 07, 2025, 11:12:19 PM »
168

Ive been finding it hard to journal about things nowadays, at least on here. I still have weekly therapy and open discussions a out staying quit but idk...my mind is processing things differently

Peyton had a spot on her kidneys that we got news about today and I didnt panic. I didnt stress out or need/want a dip. I didnt have any oral fixation craves. I just absorbed itz processed it, accepted it and moved on.

Now sure I was concerned and supportive of her, but it didnt scare me. I didnt have dread and anxiety and end up spiraling. I was confident and stable. I knew she needed me to support her and give her some strength to face the appointment. But I was able to withoit feeling anxious or scared or panicked.

Now she got good news which was amazing to celebrate as its not cancer! But, I just realized that I approached this so differently...I didnt need a crutch or to hide.

After 168 days of being quit, therapy, and meds...my brain is finally rewiring. Yea I needed tools to do it, but it was all me. My determination and my fight for my life that changed my life.

The war rages, but thats a major victory in the war.
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