My Quit
By: Casey Betancur
01/16/2012
Life is a big mystery, as most would say. There are many things one goes through in which he canÂ’t understand. For me, that was the horrible things my body has went through after quitting chewing tobacco. It all started December 26th, 2012. Now I was chewing every day for three years, starting at age 15 and ending at age 18. I would consume about half a can or a whole can every day or other day, depending on when I relied on it most. I pretty much relied on chew for every event in my life for three years to bring me happiness. Some people say nicotine or tobacco is harmless. They are wrong. So anyway two days before this all took place, I drastically shortened the amount of chew I had those two days and how long I had them in my lip. One day I only had two or three dips for about twenty minutes then took them out, the second day I had about two dips for fifteen minutes and just didnÂ’t want it anymore. I had no intentions of quitting. Then later that night on the 26th, it all hit me. I started to feel fake and I became really anxious thinking there was something wrong with my health. I didnÂ’t calm down for hours, and my girlfriend had to stay over until midnight until I fell asleep. Then next morning I woke up in a panic and had a different perspective on life. I was so scared that my entire life had been fake or that my thoughts were causing me to become mentally ill or insane. I started dry heaving and feeling the tear in my stomach every time I leaned over the toilet in hopes of relief. It never revealed itself. I had my mom take me to the hospital because of these feelings I was having. I lost the sense of any emotion you could think of. I suddenly felt like I did not love or care about my girlfriend, mom, sister, brothers, or friends or anything important in life. I couldnÂ’t figure out why I was disconnected from life. I couldnÂ’t even focus in school or play basketball because it just felt unreal. I didnÂ’t go places in fear of the way outside or other people looked like. Not only did it cause temporary mental problems, but also physical problems. It begin to hurt when urinating, or felt like I lost control of my bowels and had spasms causing me to become even more anxious about my health. So at the hospital they gave me a pee test and a swab to see what had happened in my private areas. The test came back negative. I still felt lost and scared with my heart pounding and my body going numb, I had no idea about withdrawals the first day. Doctors recommended help from psychologists which does help I heard. So I went home that night and tried to just fight this feeling of weirdness. I fell asleep and had a very intense dream. It was not like most dreams. I remembered every specific detail such as prices of dogs I was purchasing, phone numbers, names of buildings when just passing by. I could control my dreams, and even have personal thoughts in my dreams. The next day was the same exact thing, it felt like this fear and mental illness I had was a switch that was just left on and never shut off for one second. The world was different. My life was different. I would start crying for no reason. Or have the craziest thoughts or fear of going insane. I lost my appetite. I was only eating maybe one meal a day by forcing myself. I knew my body was hungry, but I just couldnÂ’t eat the same. I lost 30 pounds and I was still having troubles going to the bathroom and with the sense of touch. When my mom would rub my back it was different, or when I cut my figure it didnÂ’t hurt as bad as it would have before. I felt like I was constantly dreaming throughout the day. These feelings lasted every day for about 12 days with-out one moment of relief. Now I became obsessed. I was researching withdrawal symptoms, and finding more understanding of those symptoms such as anxiety, depression, irritability, change in appetite, the fogged mind and many other symptoms. I found myself researching for hours. Different websites, different meanings to match anything I was feeling. I begin to lose hope. I felt like it was just endless, like I would never be happy again or have feelings for anyone or see everything the way I use to. It was all just completely fake. I had even crazier thoughts thinking that I died and I was just reliving my days the same from day to day and that the reason it looked fake was because I had died and I was just still here to fix mistakes I have made in my life. There is just so many ways it has affected my life. Remembering twenty-four nightmares perfectly over a course of twelve days was just not normal to me. The funny thing about it is I have not had one craving in fear that chew has actually done this to me. I had two dreams so far where I put a fatty In my lip and could actually taste it and feel it in my dreams and IÂ’d wake up in a panic still feeling fake. I begin to think my entire family hated me for it. I woke up one morning unable to remember where I was or what I did the day before or people in my life. It made me act out as someone else and I could not find the words to speak, almost as if I was slow. No one believed how I was feeling. I ended up going to the hospital again for this feeling of fakeness. They gave me several blood test to see if I had a chemical imbalance or if other drugs were in my system. Yet again, they were all negative. Granted I did also quit smoking marijuana big time. And I had smoked about a week before quitting chew but it hadnÂ’t been for a while. I freaked out then too. But anyways I was relieved to find that a nurse told me all about her anxiety and how it made her feel fake and scared who so bad she didnÂ’t know what to do. Everything she felt was the same as what I felt. So it sort of relieved me. But here I am today, twenty-one days into my quit and so far IÂ’ve quit my job, ditched school, joined a kill the can group online to talk to people about my story and of course mine is unique and crazy. I finally feel stronger and have some hope that this will all be over soon. I had great support from teachers, family members, doctors, my girlfriend, and other people online with similar stories. I signed up for a call from a specialist to check in on me and reinsure that this is my new life, this was reality. Now some people, well actually most people do not go through half of what I go through. Some people just having cravings and anger and soon give in to relapse. So if you are one reading my story, then do not feel afraid to quit chewing because it is possible and it can be done and it does not mean this will happen to you. Before saying no you canÂ’t quit answer me this, how does it make your family feel? How would it affect everyone in your life if you were to get mouth cancer? There are so many worse things you have to deal with if you continue use of chew than just quitting and having withdrawals. If you end up feelings similar things and feel like giving up or feel like it will never end just remember what does not kill you will make you stronger. Time soon becomes your best friend. Get all the help you and support you can get no matter how scared or embarrassed you feel. Keep positive thoughts, and never give in to chew again. QUIT! DonÂ’t listen to your friends who say itÂ’s not bad for you because it is a lie, and no it is not cool. Chewing Tobacco has over 4,000 chemicals in it that alter your emotions. People chew to get through lifeÂ’s daily stresses. If your mad, what do you do? Throw in a dip. After you eat? Throw in a dip. When you wake up? Throw in a dip. When you are out at a game or hanging with friends? Throw in a dip. Chew has become part of your life and your brain relies on it to get you through the day. The nicotine replaces the dopamine in your brain so it is actually a chemical controlling you. It is not your life. DonÂ’t let it control you. Welcome to sobriety.
P.S Day 23 and I am just sad and tired and not motivated to do anything. Starting to feel anxious now.
