I think it's important to remember our journey and how we got here.
My first post ever:
Posted 09 January 2007 - 02:41 PM
My username says it all.
mylilsecret .. yep - I kept it hidden! I've kept it hidden so well not even my spouse knew when we got married that I was addicted to Copenhagen.
I started probably as many do, my friend was doing it to rebel. Sure, I went along for the ride. What a wasteful ride that was now when I look back on it. It wasn't long after that, when I turned 16, I started doing it more. I did it in, the only private spot a 16 year old had, the bathroom. Always telling myself, I can quit whenever I want to. Yep .. my lil secret and me.
My high school sweetheart and I got married and before long I was finding it harder and harder to keep a secret. Always excusing myself to be alone, constanting brushing my teeth so I wouldn't be found out. Then came the day - god, I remember it so clearly. The yelling, the disbelief, the mistrust ... you see, I was a woman with an addiction and my husband just found my spit cup.
YOU do what? .. NO, tell me who has been here! I mean it, C'mon ..
I know it was a guy who was here. Haven't we always been honest to one another? Why won't you tell me the truth?
That day I actually had to take a dip in front of him, so he would believe me.
He told me to quit. You are beautiful and no woman does that. It's disgusting! Quit now!
Excuse me? But I would LOVE you NO matter what you did so why CAN'T you love me for the WAY I am? Telling him, I can quit whenever I want to. Yep .. my lil secret and me.
It has gotten me into so many fights with my husband. I do have to say I tried to be respectful. I didn't push it into his face. I always brushed my teeth afterwards. But he just hated it so and maybe a part of him hated me for being so weak. There came a time where I finally got relaxed enough, I would do it around him. He hated it, but lived with it. He would threaten me! I am going to tell your mom. She'll tell you how distusting it is. Finally, I got tired of hearing this and told my mom. Here I was over 30 and telling my mom I dipped Copenhagen. All the times, I rushed from the living room to the bathroom because the doorbell would ring. Not wanting anyone to know ... my lil secret.
After many years, after several times of trying to quit, (sometimes only a few hours and I'd give up) after new year resolutions, and through my husbands heartache, I finally see my lil secret for what it is and I am ashamed of myself and the lack of respect I had for my body and health.
To see me out and about, you probably would have never known, heck you might have past me at some point, or I could be your next door neighbor.. but behind my make-up and hair all done up, behind the nice clothes, behind this woman was a can packin' Copenhagen fanatic. It was a drug. It was MY drug for soo long. And what is sooooo upsetting .. I can at any moment easily access it. Any moment, I could drive to the store and have my drug. That scares me to death.
My husband and I have always watched Intervention and how the family steps in and tries to help the person they love to take control back of their life without their addiction. ( commonly you'd see illegal drug use, alcoholics, eating disorders, etc) One night during the show, I turned to my husband and said I wish someone would do an intervention on me. He said .. You CAN stop at anytime. It's not an addiction. You just don't have the willpower or the need to want to give it up. I tried explaining it to him but if you have never been addicted to something it's hard to show that person what it's like. I cried alot that night.
That was several months ago, I remember thinking if I try to quit again. I want to be more educated. When I saw that the addiction to nicotine is higher than the addiction to crack or heroin, I was astonished. And I knew I needed help.
Sooo .. here I am, asking for help, ideas and suggestions, for motivation, courage and strength and above all peace of mind that I am doing the right thing. It's going to be hard but with support I can accomplish it.
My addiction started with a lil secret at the age of 16, now 20 years later, it's time for me to take control of my life. As of Jan 5th 2007 - 5 WHOLE days, I have been drug-free. My withdraws are bad at times. From headaches to body aches. I feel irritable all the time. I have been chewing gum and sucking on candy.
If anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it.
I hope as time goes on, it'll get a bit easier.
Because of this website and forum .. my lil secret .. no longer exists.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
mylilsecret
-mls
6 1/2 yrs quit
you can do it ............... I did.
