Day 86
The mystery as to what I am going to spend all of the money on that I saved by not purchasing chew has been solved. For weeks I thought I might buy a drone, night vision monocle or a rear tine tiller. But then on Friday morning I walked into a mom and pop hardware store and saw the Broil King XL Smoke with a giant 50% Off Floor Model Clearance Sale sign stuck on it. Mystery solved. I was going to wait until 100 days before I spent that money but I couldnÂ’t pass up the opportunity to get the Broil King.
This past weekend was a pretty big deal for me. I would call it a moderate victory.
My wife and kids went to the in-laws and left me home alone for 48 hours. In the past, that would have meant a weekend of smoking cigars, drinking beer and slamming cans of chew. The old me would have probably gone through 3 or 4 cans of chew, a handful of cigars and at least a case of beer. The new me didnÂ’t do any of those things. Instead, I worked on a few projects during the day and read a book in the evenings. I even walked down to the pond on Friday night and made a few casts. Sure, I thought about chew and cigars a handful of times, but I never seriously considered buying either. I won the weekend and it wasnÂ’t that difficult.
I seem to have overcome most of my triggers. The one I am still struggling with is kind of weird. I can drive all over the place for hours at a time and have zero problems. But, for some reason I think about chew almost non-stop if I just have to drive into town by myself to pick up one or two items. In the past, I was always volunteering to run into town and pick up things for my wife so that I could have that one big chew for 30 minutes. But now that I am tobacco free that quick run into town makes my salivary glands fire on all cylinders the whole way to the store and back. Nothing that is going to cause me to cave. Just one of those things that is hard to explain.
I am a visual guy. I donÂ’t know why, but I always have a mental picture for everything. Since I quit tobacco I have been thinking about Nicotine and visualizing it as a person. But, not just any person. No, the image I have in my head for Nicotine is that of Kate Upton. I have no fucking idea why I keep seeing her as Nicotine, but Kate is making it very difficult for me to develop the hatred for Nicotine that I want and need. I have seriously been trying to train my brain to see Skeletor, but so far Kate is all I see. I vaguely think I remember a discussion in April Â’18 way back where people were talking about Kate Upton. I donÂ’t know for sure if this was the seed that caused my dilemma, or not. But, it sure does cause me trouble when Nicotine comes calling and I try to visualize myself beating the shit out of Kate Upton with a tire iron. So far it is still working, but it would be a lot easier if I was seeing SkeletorÂ’s brains splattering the wall instead of KateÂ’s.
We are still losing a few members here and there from our April Â’18 group even as we find ourselves approaching the 100 Day mark. Big E just celebrated 100 Days yesterday. I find myself thinking a lot about the last time I tried to quit and failed after over two years of being tobacco free. That was over ten years ago, but it seems like it was a lifetime ago. I can remember that something very stressful happened at work and I felt like I had to go buy a can of chew as a result. I bought the can and had one dip and then proceeded to chew for another ten years. The funny thing is that I canÂ’t even remember what that stressful event at work was. In fact, I have no fucking clue. Looking back I realize that I wasnÂ’t ready to quit at the time. My addict brain was just looking for an excuse and my resolve wasnÂ’t strong enough. Things are different now.
Things are much different now.
IQWYT
