My Responses to the HOF Questions: So Ya I kinda wrote my own roast.
My Dearest Condicktors,
As I respond to your latest query about my quit historical prospective and background information about my late night jaunts with the fish-netted tranny siren of nicotine, We began our elicit love affair some time in my 13th year, this tepid relationship continued until my 18th celebration of my birth. At this point, I was no longer required to keep this relationship in the shadows, and continued until this past July, when I kicked that diva of ill-repute square in her hevous. This outburst of rage, 175,200 hours in the making, fissured our relationship to the point where I can now see clearly, that her voice makes Fran Drescher sound like Talyor Swift. It, was that point, I realized my life was controlled by a hopeless 40-something Jewish Woman from Long Island, and I was her back up plan.
This realization, that I was somehow okay with being controlled, caused me to kick that Lincoln Tunnel of Sluts to the curb. This now has allowed me to fix and build my relationships with the wife and daughters (2). However my canine companions are rather perturbed by my less frequent trips outdoors to "wax poetically" about the less finer points of life.
My ekeing out a living in this bastion of Liberalism, New Haven, Connecticut stands as a proud reminder that we all do not need to possess common sense or morals to make it ahead in life. As growing up and raising a family in such a knowledge-filled environment has given me many insights to how one can smell the bullock when you approach, count how many Yalies can outsmart, and know who is there for the long haul. While I sifted through the compost that was to become a vintage unlike any other of quitter brethren (and sistren), I found several key enlightened thinkers amongst the phallic methane release humor, that helped the vines of quit take root, each supplying their own unique blend of fertilizer.
Lim25, who's quick (thrust) action brought me in to the fray, who's skills were no doubt honed by years of playing hide and seek with the one eyed wonder weasel; SouthPackPawCrusher who's ferrous rule of accountability withstands the test of time, like a sandcastle in a hurricane; Old Man Thomas, a brother shows how one can overcome anything, but smokes more meat than Hillshire Farms; BigRedCouch, a true ginger and the only man that can make Chuck Norris fill his britches with post digested waste; Our couple that showed all of us that true love can overcome any hurdle (or restraining order), Thutchikins and BoneInDaAss
And I dare not forget to mention The Bad Ass Mother who kept my quit on straight in the first 30 days, the wisdom imparted between mason jars and test tubes serve all Titians well. While many more Titians are a critical part of the mechanism that keeps us quit, each is a cog in the transmission of quit. Some have to be disengaged and reengaged to keep us moving forward.
As I began this retrospective of quit I would be remiss if I did not provide credit to the AAA travel agents of quit. This crackerjack team earned my five star rating, for the centennial breakfast of oatmeal and freeze dried coffee, alone. Sir Derek, McCamno, and Wastepanel all deserve a raise for their work: I have spoken to the higher ups and worked out a deal for all of you -- you are allowed to take a day off from the office on November 27th, and you will get paid. Don't thank me now, because I know you all work like I get paid: very little and once every two weeks.
Reflecting with awe and wonder of the beginning steps as I crawled from the primordial ooze of the spittoon, I often found myself reading and trying to join the conversation anyway I could. With the eagerness of a 17 year old virgin on prom night, I engaged and found my quit voice. However, as any 17 year old virgin can tell you, you strike out alot; more often than not, you finish the job in the shower.
As far as the "fun" questions go, I shall respond in some resemblance of tact and decorum.
7a.) Most bizarre place you've had sex with another? In a life guard tower.
13.) How many tattoos do you have? I have four tattoos
14.) How many do you regret getting? Zero
17.) Best president ever besides a young horseback riding Vladimir Putin? Why? Lincoln, dude had one hell of a beard, and was a bad ass that didn't quit.
21.) What's your entrance music for your next fight? Dropkick Murphy's Cadence to Arms
35.) What's the dumbest thing you've ever done that directly resulted in an injury to yourself or another? Using quads to pull sleds down unplowed streets at 45 mph that resulted in a broken hand and then we did it again and sprained an ankle. Oh my father in law was driving the quad as our wives watched.
So my condicktors of this HOF express, I hope this meets the requirements you have set forth in the obligation and request for the amassing of information of the aforementioned quitter. Namely, Candoit, aka, Mr. C, aka Candy, aka Cando, aka Candy man
