Today is 79 days in to being Nic Free. I think about the past 15 days of my quit, and oh how have I changed.
This morning I was pissed about stupid shit at work, like I need to be next to my office phone to make calls. But the phone was moved on Monday to my new office, upstairs from the basement (old office), but found out they never moved my desk, and it was not being moved till oh next Wednesday. So what did i do I got a hand truck and moved my desk my self (no elevators). So I was also dealing with a pissy client that I didn't return emails or the phone calls from yesterday. He called me at 7:00 pm and emailed at 11 pm, and by the way he is not paying the 750 per day fee for my services, this is all for free. I go back to day 50 this would of derailed my entire day, go back to day 25 I would of stayed home to protect the quit, and 25 days before that, I would of gone for a coffee run (packed a fat lip full of cancer seed) come back switched to ninja mode and gut it for about the next 3 hours, till I was back in the car. But chatting with a Titian of Quit October 2014, I realized that about a year ago I was in a 4+ hour lock down, when a "gun man" was spotted on Yale campus. At the time I was working in a school in the area, due to its proximity it was locked down. What did that mean? It was part of my job to sweep the halls and ensure all students are in classrooms and all doors are locked, then I shelter in place. I ended up in an empty classroom for the entire time. So what did I do, well i drained the cell battery and then lamented about how I didn't have a tin with me, it was in my bag in my office. I was pissed that I had time to kill, an empty classroom, and even better an empty coffee cup. But the best part of this story, I had to shit in a trash can, because it happened from 11 am to 4 pm. Right before lunch, plus as a teacher you only have a 15 to 30 minute window of time to shit or talk to adults per day. But i was more upset that I didn't have my can of mint flavored cancer turds on me, then shitting in a trash can or a possible "gun man" on the loose. It turned out that it was a hoax called in from a pay phone (this happened in 2013 Google it).
But I digress about that incident a year ago. I was a teacher and I was being used for my skills and talents, but continually passed over for the leadership roles, because of who/what I was. I blamed it on a lot of things, but I knew there was a glass ceiling and it was time to leave. I left the classroom in December of 2013. This was one the hardest choices I made, but it was the right one. Why? I think back to what I was doing and how I got to where I was, it was because I pushed the envelope I was not complacent, I always risking, pushing the edge of comfort for myself and the students. I embraced failure, I created a culture of failure, I forced my students to fail, I taught failure, and I was damn good at it.
A culture of failure, is not living life as a failure, but how do I react when I do fail, how do I move on, how do I deal with it mentally, how do I seek help for what I do not know, how do I recognize that which I do not know, and how to I not fail at the same thing twice. I do not care what subject a teacher teach's, but if they are not teaching how to deal with failure through the content, they are doing nothing more than wasting time. I cared more about learning how to teach hard work, self reliance, self esteem, and pride than I did chemistry. Chemistry was the mechanism in which I could set up controlled failures to teach them how to trouble shoot, have faith in themselves. I always started the year off, with a lab that would never work or give them what the "book said it would" Why? Because they all doubted themselves, not the directions or the book. Even if they responded correctly, I always asked are you sure? Why? Because if you really trusted yourself and didn't look at the teacher as the wise sage on the stage, you would push back at the positional authority and stand up because you know it is right.
Chemistry is hard for many reasons, but the largest is that we study atoms and their behavior. That isn't hard, what is hard is that we observed the large scale interactions (macro scale) and from that we deduce what is going on at the atomic scale. So why is that relevant, well it is completely reverse of the way we learn all other subjects. We observe the effect from that we figure out the cause.
Here's the example I always used:
"Describe the wind?"
Could you answer that? Right now, no Google, no phone a friend, no text, no book, just your thinking and completely justify it with concrete examples and numerical data? I would wager that the majority of you would say it is something moving, like leaves or a tree or trash, or a house in Kansas. But you all gave me examples of effects not causes. That is how chemistry works, we see the effects and from there have to figure out the reasons.
But a year ago I realized I no longer was that teacher that embraced a culture of failure or deep logical thinking and conversation. I stopped because I had become disenfranchised. I had a choice I can take a risk and fail, or become the teacher that has lost the passion. I took the risk with the full knowledge I could fail, I was fine with that. I couldn't go in planning to fail, but I go in aware that it could happen and I will do everything I can to ensure it doesn't happen.
79 days ago, July 23, 2014, I took another risk knowing full well that I have failed every time I tried before. But i knew I had i to do it differently, so I joined and posted roll. This has been one hell of a risk for me, to put your faith in a complete group of strangers and hope that this works based on the stories and words posted here. But how is that different than walking into a new school, or the 1st day of a new school year?
Everyone always asks the same three questions of the teacher/professor/BAQ they just meet:
1) Who are you?
2) Why should I listen to you?
3) Why should I care?
If you fail to answer any of these questions by the end of the first interaction, then you are done. I don't care who you are, you may not realize it or even consciously think about it, but you do ask these questions.
Why does this matter? I kept my keyboard quite last night as two groups of quitters unleashed a pissing contest all over a new quit group. Am I a proud Titian Hell Fucking Yeah I am, but at the same time what I saw turned my stomach.
Call me a special butterfly, snowflake, a fuvking ghey phag, a cocknow user, or what ever else you want to, but take the pissing some where else. I took what happened a month ago too damn personal, but now you all have stepped over the line. This is scaring a new class of quitters, who all are taking a huge risk and putting their faith and trust in all of us not just one month. ALL OF US. I am not going to point fingers at who started that or who I think should apologize, because that is not my job or my place. However, it is my place to stand up for those who do not know any better or are too scared to say something in a place they do not feel comfortable, to begin with.
I have reached out to new quitters and they are scared to use Kakao, because they see the way it is talked about here, just like the quit lite. I saw the attack on one the veterans, who was one of the first few to reach out and welcome my messed up ass here. His message was clear: Honor your word to not use nicotine today, and protect it by any means necessary.
Protect your honor by any means necessary, I forgot what that was, until today, 365 days from when I was shitting in a trash can.
I am an educator who firmly believes in teaching and supporting those who take risks. The largest part of that is teaching them how to deal with the failure, and move forward stronger and with their heads held a little higher, with pride. A large part of that lesson is owning up to the errors and consequences of the failure (this is the students part) but my part is the hardest one:
Keep my mouth shut long enough for them to let them own up and encourage them to keep moving forward.
Do I call bullshit? Yes
Do I demand more? Yes
Do I ensure that they understand what they did wrong? Yes
Am I disappointed in their choices? Yes
Am I disappointed that they knew better? Yes
Am I disappointed in myself for not doing something differently? Yes
But do I linger on it? Yes
Do I hold it against them? No
If I want to grow better people they need to be held accountable, but they also need to know that tomorrow is a new day, and that I will be their for them just as I was today. Will any of my expectations or demands change, no never.
So I am protecting my honor, and the honor of those who have yet to learn or remember what honor is, people will fail, you all failed last night at being the role models for January 2015. But know this tomorrow I will be back here, post roll, wish everyone in Kakao a good morning, text NateMcP, PrOf, FredR, and McCamno, and be waiting for my expectations of all of you to be met. And I will continue to do that every single day of my life because I choose to protect my honor and I have pride what I do.
