Day 96 in the books. Went back and found some early posts. Want to save them here. These are all great and a reminder that we are all one bad choice away from starting over. All of the advice I have gotten here is great, but Bronc absolutely destroying me was the most eye opening thing that has ever happened to me. I am still working to be the best I can, but after his post I really looked at myself and what a selfish, arrogant ass I was being. Being quit requires you to really look at yourself and your addictive behaviors. Lots of people get butt hurt on here, but being a dick and speaking the truth is sometimes the only way to get through to people. I am one of those people. I am nowhere near cured, but I am getting on that train Monday...and I don't plan on going anywhere. ODDAAT
Sunday May 27, 2018
Capital70- Day 1. I have removed all tobacco from around me and am not using it today. I will make my promise again tomorrow morning. I know I have let you all down twice. I understand if you donÂ’t forgive me.
May 27, 2018
Capital70- I think it is totally reasonable that I should have to explain myself and apologize. I imagine everyone is waiting to see if I actually make it through the first 3 days...or even 30 days. I figured I would have to do it with less help this time. ItÂ’s what i deserve...but IÂ’m here
May 27, 2018
Leonidas
Fuck yeah!!
Rah, rah! Clap, clap clap.
Let's give that boy a big ol participation trophy!!
Maybe a giant purple dildo....
What the fuck Cap? What happened?
Did you cave on April 17, after promising your boys you wouldn't?
And don't fucking tell me about a bad day. No way.
I'll bring in two dozen men that have gone through deaths,
Divorce, cancer, Chemo and they're still quit.
So what happened?
And looking at your post history, you never bought in at all.
What are you gonna do differently?
All you've done since you've been here is lie to your boys, and cave.
Others can tickle your taint and whisper Muskrat Love in your ear, but that ain't what we do here.
We do Accountability.
So, let's go...
Pull your head out and get with the program.
What happened?
Why?
What are you gonna do differently?
I mean, since you care so much....
May 28, 2018
Sir Nopenhagen
Capital70 - first off how would you feel if one of your football players put in the same effort as you have these last couple of months? Your a coach right? Would you let the quarterback get away with a lack of commitment? Hell no you wouldnÂ’t, you would be all over his ass.
Secondly all these cheerleaders that have come here to pat you on the ass and tell you to go get them next time are doing you a disservice. Sure we want you to be quit but we arenÂ’t here to hold your hair back after the 2 wine coolers you just drank made you sick. Damn man what happened to giving your word and sticking to IT? 1358 days I was just like you, a slave to the Nic Bitch for 26 years, we are close to the same age so I know what itÂ’s like quitting with 3 kids and life kicking your ass up and down the street. How many people told you that having a dip, all your problems would still be there? ItÂ’s nothing but a mask hiding the true shit that it really is.
Answering these 3 questions isnÂ’t for me, or any of the other people here that are going to give you shit for breaking your word and turning your back on this team. These questions are ultimately for you and you only to reflect and see if maybe just maybe you have the balls to QUIT and stay that way. ItÂ’s not going to be easy but tell me when anything meaningful was? You have to put the work!! Answer the questions and see if you have what it takes.
May 28, 2018
Capital70
deserve everything IÂ’m getting from all of you, and my words have proven to be empty so no amount of typing is going to change that. Only action...and that is going to be slow and painful.
1 What happened?
I made it until 4:45pm on Day 28. It was a Monday. The day was almost over and it wasnÂ’t even a bad day!!! I had 3 of my kids in the van and we were headed to pick up my oldest. We were a couple minutes early so I stopped at a gas station, bought a can, and put it in. ThatÂ’s it. Nothing glamorous. Just some soft ass pussy shit. Left my kids in the van and they watched me go in and buy shit that kills me
2 Why did it happen?
In 24 years I have never quit for more than 4 days. Throughout my entire stop secretly I believed doing it again would help. Despite everyone telling me it doesnÂ’t help didnÂ’t listen. After 28 days of insomnia I thought that having a dip would magically make me start sleeping again. I thought dipping would make my job easier, my marriage better, etc. WTF. Who thinks that? When I caved I caved HARD. Started putting two pouches in instead of one. Was waking up in the middle of the night putting them in and EVERY time I would look at the can and wonder why it wasnÂ’t working any more. For 24 years I BELIEVED the lie. I actually thought it was helping. Trying to go back after 28 days was too late. My brain no longer believes the lie. During my cave my insomnia got worse, my anxiety got worse, and my depression got worse.
3 How will you keep it from happening again?
I now have the first hand knowledge that caving does not help. I now know that if I go back it will be worse. I canÂ’t unforget how shitty the last 40 days have been.
I need to embrace the suck and be honest. IÂ’m going to have insomnia, but it will go away.
IÂ’m always going to be an addict, but I donÂ’t have to be a user.
I realize that I am a selfish person. The guilt of dipping all day and then kissing my sleeping kids good night has been eating me up. Worse than any crave IÂ’ve ever had. Most of my anxiety is caused by dip so it has to go.
Someone made reference to a football player. If I was a player IÂ’d be cut. I didnÂ’t follow through. Other than thieves, people who donÂ’t keep their word are the worst. I have to live with it and own it. The way I see it I have two options
1. I am a shitty human being who sucks at life and loves fucking up, pissing people off, and letting them down
2. I am a 38 year old husband, father, teacher, and coach who is pretty fucking good at all of those who made a really dumb decision 24 years ago and took way too long to figure it out. IÂ’m a good guy who made a couple bad decisions with his supporters because the nicotine receptors in my brain are probably the size of grapefruits.
If you want to believe #1 thatÂ’s your choice
IÂ’m going to go run
May 28, 2018
Miker0351
Capital - gonna be brief here. I think every one of us has had a near exact scenario as you described in “trying to quit”. We’ve all done that alone 10 or 100 times before. Knowing how bad something sucks isn’t going to be enough to keep you from caving again, having self reflective honesty isn’t going to be enough to keep from caving again, guilt about your wife and kids isn’t going to be enough to keep you from caving again. All those things already existed, you caved. The only thing that works to keep from caving is sheer will and determination. Just don’t do it! You know what else helps a lot though? Connect with people here (yes we’re all people, some liars and losers and pathetic freaks; mostly pretty good dads/moms/people who have lives and activities that made a bad choice somewhere along the way and became addicts). Ask someone else about their insomnia, talk to someone about your struggles, learn about people going through challengers and achieving victories, do more than just post a number (since that isn’t enough for you to keep your commitment). Just remembering how shitty it is isn’t gonna cut it, no one thinks you’re an awful human being but if you keep doing the same things over and over we might just think you’re kind of a stupid one.
May 28th
Bronc
There's caving before joining this site and then there's caving after. I'll never ever understand the after, and I think it has to do with how this POS ends his three reasons...with the pat on the back that he's a good guy and that if we don't want to believe that, then it's our problem. You don't get to be the second scenario if you've got the first one going. You can't be a "good guy" if you have no honor and integrity. Those are lies from the pit of hell and that's the kind of shitty addict mindset we all told ourselves for years before coming here.
What you have is a serious case of arrogance and ignorance. Your self deprecation is so insincere and further more, what you don't even seem to understand is your three reasons is full of messages straight from the nic bitch. "Made a bad decision." "Pretty fucking good at all of them." Honestly, no you are not because you can't be if you are a liar without integrity or honor. You can't keep your word and you are selfish. You can't be pretty fucking good at those things if you are so selfish. The fact that you know about the neuro-pathways etc, means that you've read enough about addiction here and elsewhere to know what you are dealing with. Even with all that, you are just so arrogant that you think you are smart enough to do this on your own. Your "I got this, oops my bad" guy. The guy no one wants on their team because they are selfish and arrogant and ball hogs. o
How about you get humble and help others? How about you quit giving yourself a participation trophy "coach?" How about you stop slapping yourself on the ass and saying "you'll get 'em next time kid." It isn't how this works. You give your word, you keep your word. How about you put your #1 dad shirt away for awhile and wear the I'm with stupid with the arrow pointing straight up? Until you figure out that your way doesn't work and this way does, the only thing you are is a pussy caver with no integrity, no honor, and not any kind of guy that any of us would want our team.
This is a team deal "coach." When you are a loser, the whole team loses. Look at all the awful messages you are bringing, harming all of us quitters, guys that want to do the right thing and have done so. Now we've got that one added message that says, "oh, well if we fuck up, they'll take us back." Well, FUCK YOU and your Cave. I won't do it. My honor, integrity and family are way more important and after going through the hell of quitting, I'm not going to let that kind of shitty mindset infiltrate this place. It's a whole bunch of bullshit. 28 years of being a slave and 1536 days of quit today....and I"m still vulnerable. That's the mindset that keeps me quit. So go shine up your participation trophy and talk to yourself about what a great dad, teacher and coach you are. Meanwhile, in the real world, you're just a dishonest, selfish pussy that can't and won't follow instructions because you've got a better way. Buh-bye. You won't last.
May 29th
Walter White
I second what Bronc wroteÂ…
This isn’t a challenge…this is life and death. Your next dip MIGHT give you cancer. Being quit is a way of life. Being quit means having integrity and honor. Being quit means helping others. Being quit is taking what life throws at you and saying “I’m quit” no matter what. Being quit means there are no excuses. Being quit means that I will do whatever I need to do to be quit today.
I donÂ’t care if you are a great person, father and coachÂ…. you are just like usÂ…. An addict. We all made bad decisions. The difference between you and usÂ…we give our promise and keep that promise. We stopped making excuses.
