I Don't Believe that Anyone Owes Me Anything, Ever!
(But Thankful for those who give unselfishly!)
Although I am an addict , for more things than nicotine, I have always been a fully-functioning addict. I've taken care of myself for years before I got married and still do. I remember telling my brother-in-law, when he told me to find a good man to "take care of me", I told him. "UH, yeah-no, I need to be able to take care of myself FIRST, THEN I can find someone to be with for the rest of my life."
I am the youngest of 5 kids, and my mom had me when she was 40 years old, so my parents were probably about done worrying too much about the kids by then. BUT, i never gave them a reason to worry, or, let alone, make them think I needed any help, except for the usual needs of an adolescent or teenager. I wasnÂ’t given anything on a silver platter. I earned most everything I got.
I was given full respect from my mom and dad. Plus, my mom always let me make my own decisions. I worked since the age of 9 and had a 3.89 blah blah grade point average out of high school. I did an apprenticeship in printing and eventually made that my trade for years.
Trust me, I wasn't an angel, but I kept my nose to the grindstone and was a diligent worker and student. I really was very self-sufficient. So much so, that even if I actually needed something, I was usually overlooked because I was always so strong and not very needy. My parents were busy getting my oldest sister who was about 12 years older than me out of trouble over trouble over trouble. Trust me, it's wasn't anything minor and it affected the entire family. At the age of 10, that could have been where everything went bad for me and my siblings. (long story, not going there)
I think that really messed me up to a point, along with my ex-brother in law giving me LSD when I was 8 years old and then starting to drink too much around the age of 19. I also got hooked on speed (cross-tops) and eventually cocaine. Both of which I quit cold turkey. This next thing I'm going to say is actually hilarious considering what I just said about my addictions.
I and my second to the oldest sister were the most stable in our family. We had it together, always. (like i said , "fully-functioning addict") Well guess what. I still do and people in my life look to me for stability. At least now, I don't have the crutches i used to use, I have to manage without anything but my brain. MAN, I look at this year of quit and say, "who the F_ _ _ am I?!" Because I've needed HELP! And I've received it ten-fold. Obviously, or I wouldn't have made it to 1 year and beyond.
People have always trusted me, I am trustworthy. I've always been the "helper" not the "help-eeee". I think that's why I tend to pull away or not connect when I am in need. I find it makes me uncomfortable to reach out for help. But, I know i have to, and I found last week, I actually did instead of pulling back and isolating. (for the most part anyway) I've got a long way to go, my imperfections get in my damn way. But at least I know that there is room for improvement. Any step forward is progress.
