Unexpected Day #1

[harvestgirl]

95 and Christmas

One of the things that we tell fresh quits is to avoid their triggers when they can- don't drink, don't hang out with shitty friends that act like assholes and try to get you to dip again, etc.

We tell them that if they can't avoid that trigger, to learn how to deal with it. Taking a shit? After a meal? Obviously those are little things that with repetitively working through it, get better.

What happens when you find out that your biggest trigger is your parents home, especially your own mother? I haven't been home to WI in 9 months, and I haven't been clean in my parents house from nic in over 8 years, completely sober and clean from anything in much much longer than that.

I knew the drive back to WI was going to be rough- it was, but I dealt decently, even with the added time, making it a 15 hour straight shot.

But I didn't expect to be 100% blindsided at how hard being in my childhood home was. At one point, I was in the bathroom trying not to cry hysterically or hyperventilate. I sent out an SOS text to a few different people.

I asked one specific person what to do. His response, simply, was “Fight.”

And I fought. And I'm still fighting. And, I will always be fighting this.

That night was one of the hardest of my quit. I was drained and in a dark place. I was craving, but not caving. I was just...low.

The next morning I way overslept. By hours. Usually I post crazy early. I slept till 11. I woke up to a missed phone call, dozens of texts, FB messages, emails, KTC pms, and one very panicked and concerned chat room.

It was overwhelming and humbling. I knew people cared, but I didn't fully realize how many people truly were worried when I didn't respond for 5 hours (I missed a “good morning” text).

Five more days til HOF.

[Candoit]

Nothing about any of this is easy. Who ever tells you different is so full of crap their eyes are brown.
However to relish in the highs, you must experinces the lows. If you aren't experincing this then your not living.

When you quit, truely quit, you end up ripping off more than a band aid. You end up exposing all of your vulnerability, insecurities and fears and are left a utter pile of confused clueless foggy quitter.
The successful put themselves togther into a new person that doesnt need a drug to hold themselves up. We are here to hold you up when you can't.
I am not here to get back to "normal" I am here to make my normal.

[Law1358]

Day 82

How did it get to be day 82 already? I was in chat tonight helping a fresh quit get set up with the forums. I don't even remember registering. Did I register on the forums first? Did I lurk on chat? I have no idea. All I know is I wake up in the morning (or if I'm still awake when new roll starts) I post my new day, each and every day.

I try to help the new quitters in chat. I guess if I can help one person, my time there is worth it, but I still wonder if I'm doing any good helping anyone out there.

The past few weeks have been a little rough. In my last update on here I talked about hitting the fog hard again. For the most part, the fog has lifted again. I went to the doctor and we played around with my medication again, and added a treatment on top of that, which has made life a little interesting. I do have to say though, I'm slowly feeling better. This is the first time in over ten years that I feel “okay” for the most part. It's been a long long time since I've felt that, and not going to sugarcoat it- it feels pretty damn good.

One of our stronger members in our quit group ended up caving. This was someone I had gotten fairly close to, leaned on each other for support, but they made up their mind. I got a text right after they caved and spoke to them later that night.

And it fucking hurt. It still hurts. Probably more than it should. I guess my cold frigid heart cares more about people and their quits than I thought. It scared me too; got rid of my half assed complacent feeling. If that person could cave while having such a seemingly strong quit, then what about the rest of us? It just goes to prove that if we all want to continue to stay quit, we really do have to fight every fucking day. And keep on fighting. And keep on leaning each other. This really isn't going to go away. Ever.

And that makes me angry and just plain sad that I ever started dipping in the first place. If I would have known all of this now when I started, I would have never touched a damn can.

The bright side of all this is that there are people on here that have turned into my quit rocks. Yes, I am doing this quit by myself, for myself, but there are a few people on here that I owe. I thought when I started this journey that the “brotherhood” thing was exaggerated. I didn't expect that 82 days later I would have a handful of people that probably know my moods, my thoughts, etc. better than I do some days. And I love those brothers.

In just a few weeks I'll hit my HOF, but what will I write then that I haven't written now? Because, fuck yeah, 82 days! 100 days! But those numbers are just another day. Sure, they're milestones, but is 100 any better than 82? When I first started? Day count is important to me, but being nic free outweighs that.

powerful words and thoughts..I just want to let you know that you are helping more than you think. Ive chatted with you a couple times, but know that we havent really gotten to know each other, but I know that you are a respected member of this site. When I think about caving, over all the stuff with my family and what not, I imagine how awful it would be to make that phone call to WalterWhite, FISHFLORIDA, Viking, JeffW, and other brothers i have text back and forth with.. Your name pops in my mind too..If I were to cave, I know that you would tear me a new ass hole..and I would deserve it. To the people that are serious about their quit..it is nice to know and see someone like you on here ALL the Time helping others..So keep kicking nicotines ass and thank you for your help!!!Even strong people need help sometimes and we're here when you need it

[harvestgirl]

I had to save this gem.

So what victories do we have today?

I don't know about victories, Mr. C.... but I do know that there are a butt-load of

:scowick: :scowick: :scowick: :scowick: :scowick:

in this particular quit group.

I'm sorry only a female would say this..but those butteflies are adorable....lol

Oh they're fucking beautiful. Each in his or her own special way. Some have super dooper important reasons why they can't post every day. Some have super important jobs which makes it extra hard to quit. Some have super stressful home lives which make it real hard to quit. Some are real tough and can't take it when a brother or sister calls em out on their addict BS. Some just are special little learners who need a different system. All fail to recognize that every damn one of us could come up with the same lame excuses to not work the program, but we don't. We're not special. We're addicts who need accountability.

[harvestgirl]

Another update so soon I guess.

Sometimes this quit hurts so bad. Physically. Emotionally. This might have been one of the longest most drawn out hardest things I've done in a long time, maybe my whole life.

Things happened during this quit that I never even in my wildest dreams thought would happen. Quitting and the shockwaves from it just plain fucking hurt sometimes.

But, this pain. This pain is worth the quit. Because I'm better than this.

This quit is mine.

[Stranger999]

Day 82

How did it get to be day 82 already? I was in chat tonight helping a fresh quit get set up with the forums. I don't even remember registering. Did I register on the forums first? Did I lurk on chat? I have no idea. All I know is I wake up in the morning (or if I'm still awake when new roll starts) I post my new day, each and every day.

I try to help the new quitters in chat. I guess if I can help one person, my time there is worth it, but I still wonder if I'm doing any good helping anyone out there.

The past few weeks have been a little rough. In my last update on here I talked about hitting the fog hard again. For the most part, the fog has lifted again. I went to the doctor and we played around with my medication again, and added a treatment on top of that, which has made life a little interesting. I do have to say though, I'm slowly feeling better. This is the first time in over ten years that I feel “okay” for the most part. It's been a long long time since I've felt that, and not going to sugarcoat it- it feels pretty damn good.

One of our stronger members in our quit group ended up caving. This was someone I had gotten fairly close to, leaned on each other for support, but they made up their mind. I got a text right after they caved and spoke to them later that night.

And it fucking hurt. It still hurts. Probably more than it should. I guess my cold frigid heart cares more about people and their quits than I thought. It scared me too; got rid of my half assed complacent feeling. If that person could cave while having such a seemingly strong quit, then what about the rest of us? It just goes to prove that if we all want to continue to stay quit, we really do have to fight every fucking day. And keep on fighting. And keep on leaning each other. This really isn't going to go away. Ever.

And that makes me angry and just plain sad that I ever started dipping in the first place. If I would have known all of this now when I started, I would have never touched a damn can.

The bright side of all this is that there are people on here that have turned into my quit rocks. Yes, I am doing this quit by myself, for myself, but there are a few people on here that I owe. I thought when I started this journey that the “brotherhood” thing was exaggerated. I didn't expect that 82 days later I would have a handful of people that probably know my moods, my thoughts, etc. better than I do some days. And I love those brothers.

In just a few weeks I'll hit my HOF, but what will I write then that I haven't written now? Because, fuck yeah, 82 days! 100 days! But those numbers are just another day. Sure, they're milestones, but is 100 any better than 82? When I first started? Day count is important to me, but being nic free outweighs that.

The day count is much less important than the quit web that we build for ourselves here. Each of us needs to succeed every day. We all need to be spiders tending to our quit webs. Connect and stay connected. Caring about someone else and having someone else care about you doubles the chance that you will be on roll tomorrow.

One day at a time. I'm almost at 500 days quit. I never imagined that I would get this far when I started but I listened to the vets and kept making my promise. :)

[harvestgirl]

Day 82

How did it get to be day 82 already? I was in chat tonight helping a fresh quit get set up with the forums. I don't even remember registering. Did I register on the forums first? Did I lurk on chat? I have no idea. All I know is I wake up in the morning (or if I'm still awake when new roll starts) I post my new day, each and every day.

I try to help the new quitters in chat. I guess if I can help one person, my time there is worth it, but I still wonder if I'm doing any good helping anyone out there.

The past few weeks have been a little rough. In my last update on here I talked about hitting the fog hard again. For the most part, the fog has lifted again. I went to the doctor and we played around with my medication again, and added a treatment on top of that, which has made life a little interesting. I do have to say though, I'm slowly feeling better. This is the first time in over ten years that I feel “okay” for the most part. It's been a long long time since I've felt that, and not going to sugarcoat it- it feels pretty damn good.

One of our stronger members in our quit group ended up caving. This was someone I had gotten fairly close to, leaned on each other for support, but they made up their mind. I got a text right after they caved and spoke to them later that night.

And it fucking hurt. It still hurts. Probably more than it should. I guess my cold frigid heart cares more about people and their quits than I thought. It scared me too; got rid of my half assed complacent feeling. If that person could cave while having such a seemingly strong quit, then what about the rest of us? It just goes to prove that if we all want to continue to stay quit, we really do have to fight every fucking day. And keep on fighting. And keep on leaning each other. This really isn't going to go away. Ever.

And that makes me angry and just plain sad that I ever started dipping in the first place. If I would have known all of this now when I started, I would have never touched a damn can.

The bright side of all this is that there are people on here that have turned into my quit rocks. Yes, I am doing this quit by myself, for myself, but there are a few people on here that I owe. I thought when I started this journey that the “brotherhood” thing was exaggerated. I didn't expect that 82 days later I would have a handful of people that probably know my moods, my thoughts, etc. better than I do some days. And I love those brothers.

In just a few weeks I'll hit my HOF, but what will I write then that I haven't written now? Because, fuck yeah, 82 days! 100 days! But those numbers are just another day. Sure, they're milestones, but is 100 any better than 82? When I first started? Day count is important to me, but being nic free outweighs that.

[pab1964]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.

Feels like forEVER, but it's only temporary, the bonds you've made will prove to save you and to keep you semi-sane. Rollercoaster of quit will be in play for a while. But you'll hang on.
you WILL feel okay again.
you WILL feel better.
IQWYT.

I hated the 70s. I think annoyed was the best word for it. Everything you wrote is so familiar to me...when the eff am I going to feel NORMAL again. ^^^ Listen to this lady, it IS just a phase. You will be out of it shortly and just in time to start looking forward to your HOF! 'party'

It's all a phase, just the last part of the nic bitch trying one last futile attempt. You're a quitter, you won.

It took a little bit but I realized, fog is a helluva better than cancer! Doing great girlfriend! Don't change a thing. Damn proud to be quit with you today!

[Thumblewort]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.

Feels like forEVER, but it's only temporary, the bonds you've made will prove to save you and to keep you semi-sane. Rollercoaster of quit will be in play for a while. But you'll hang on.
you WILL feel okay again.
you WILL feel better.
IQWYT.

I hated the 70s. I think annoyed was the best word for it. Everything you wrote is so familiar to me...when the eff am I going to feel NORMAL again. ^^^ Listen to this lady, it IS just a phase. You will be out of it shortly and just in time to start looking forward to your HOF! 'party'

It's all a phase, just the last part of the nic bitch trying one last futile attempt. You're a quitter, you won.

[FLLipOut]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.

Feels like forEVER, but it's only temporary, the bonds you've made will prove to save you and to keep you semi-sane. Rollercoaster of quit will be in play for a while. But you'll hang on.
you WILL feel okay again.
you WILL feel better.
IQWYT.

I hated the 70s. I think annoyed was the best word for it. Everything you wrote is so familiar to me...when the eff am I going to feel NORMAL again. ^^^ Listen to this lady, it IS just a phase. You will be out of it shortly and just in time to start looking forward to your HOF! 'party'

[ChickDip]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.

Feels like forEVER, but it's only temporary, the bonds you've made will prove to save you and to keep you semi-sane. Rollercoaster of quit will be in play for a while. But you'll hang on.
you WILL feel okay again.
you WILL feel better.
IQWYT.

[Nomore1959]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

You are a month from Hall of Fame, use that celebration to pull you through this flat spot. It will get better and good days will outnumber annoying ones.

[harvestgirl]

Today was day 71.
I've been in the late term fog for the past few days. I'm not sure what was worse- the initial early fog when you didn't know what was happening and the quit and fog were fresh, or this later on bullshit where it just feels annoying as fuck.

Still feel legit crazy. Meds haven't stabilized like they should have with the higher dosages so I bit the bullet and made another dr appt for tomorrow. After years of med changes the thought of trying to find a new combination or upping drastically honestly scares me, but at this point I just want to feel some sort of normal. I want to feel okay again. I want to feel better.

Cravings come and go. Like with the fog, they're just fucking annoying. Actually, that's pretty much the theme of the quit right now. Annoying. I get what people say when around the 70 day mark it all becomes stagnant.

But, I'm quit. And I'm staying that way. And the friends I've made on here (so many days ago it seems) have been my leaning post.

Also, today we finally closed on our house, after almost seven months of living in the damn thing lol.

I'm tired, my brain is scattered beyond recognition, who knows if this entry even makes sense.

[Viking]

Thanks for posting this and congrats! I learned from it and have felt the same way - particularly about sucking up pride and ego.it really is one of the cornerstones to a successful quit. Thanks for quitting with all of us you are an inspiration

[Nolaq]

Day 50 (ish)

Technically I'm posting this way freaking early on day 52.

Half a HoF, bitches.

The flood of texts, fb messages, pm's, chat messages, etc. flooded me all day with congrats about my 50 days.
I woke up early that morning with a crippling migraine. I sent a few texts out saying that I was sort of alive and planning on posting roll but I wanted to do it myself because, hey, you know 50 days.

FIFTY days. It's hard to believe that fifty days has come and gone since I joined KTC.

It seems like yesterday and it feels like years.

50 days and I feel like I've started to scratch the surface of my quit and myself. I've learned some good things, I've learned some maybe not so good things about myself.

I've learned more about my bipolar and anxiety- triggers, ideas, thought processes that I didn't know I didn't have figured out, if that makes sense.

I've made friends on here. Some in particular that I owe my quit to just as much as my stubbornness and self perseverance. Some of these people have made their mark on me and I will never be the same because of them- for good reasons.

The fog is pretty much done with. I get spacey sometimes, but the crushing fatigue isn't there anymore. Now it's just regular work related bullshit.

Cravings are manageable. Oddly enough, I want to smoke way more than I want to chew, which is a battle I didn't expect.

The medication and dosage battle is ongoing...somedays my meds are enough, somedays they aren't and I use my phone as a lifeline to text people and not stay buried under the covers.

This quit has definitely taught me how to suck up my feelings of pride and to ask for help when I need it. It took me a long time to not feel like sending a text to a fellow quitter was “weak”. Even now I feel like I'm burdening others when I need a boost, need the help. I'm stubborn. I was taught to keep my feelings in. This....has been an experience for sure.

Today was one of those days. Two hours into my day starting, it took a dive into the shitter. Sent me reeling into a panicked frenzy. I held it together. Got on chat. Had some laughs. Texted a few people privately. Kept it all in. Until I got home and probably broke Verizon with the flood of texts I shot out.

You know what? The world didn't shatter because I needed to talk and ask for help.

Late late tonight (really, early this morning) I received two different messages from two different people in my quit group (after I got shit faced drunk and went on chat), both telling me I was strong, that they looked up to me, and that they drew strength from my quit. That, my friends, means it all.
If there is someone that you looked up to in your quit, someone that you drew strength from, tell them. Please. I don't care if it makes you feel like a pussy. They need to know.

When I first joined, I didn't know what to expect from myself or KTC. Figured I'd give it a try, see how it went, and if it didn't work, I'd just fade away into invisibility in internet world.

How wrong I was.

No fading into obscurity here. Not when the halls of accountability are all around you. Nice job on your quit!

You're not going anywhere. Drown yourself in accountability (as you have) and you will walk that road to success and freedom.

Proud of you, Gurl.