Day 269:
We've been celebrating March '17s quitters hitting their 2nd Floors this month. For today's roll, I asked this question:
"How many times have you tried to quit before this time?
Do you think KTC or a quit support site would have helped you earlier on?"
It spurred a conversation later on in the day, and while typing out a response in notepad to gather my thoughts, I ended up writing soemthing much more involved and not being able to stop.
It doesn't pay to think about "what ifs", but all I know is that if I did indeed had made it this far into my quit without KTC- I sure as hell wouldn't still be quit now.
I also was a combo dipper/smoker. I "quit" smoking but still smoked socially, if it was "a really bad day" as almost a treat, or if I was home alone. 269 days ago I quit all of it for good and while yes, I owe my quit first and foremost to myself, I could NOT have done it without KTC and the people I met on here.
In my intro I've stated numerous times in the past that if my words and story can help just one other person have the courage to think about quitting, quit, or stay quit, then it's worth it. The past few months have been a struggle and I really haven't been open enough about it. Part of me feels like it makes me look like I'm just begging for sympathy or some sort of applaud for staying quit. What justice does that provide for a quit? It doesn't, and that's not what I want.
What I want is to still let people know you can quit and stay quit through damn near anything if you keep your word, get involved, and ASK FOR HELP when you need it. Addiction doesn't make you weak. Events that happen out of your control don't make you weak.
Life has a funny way of working out- I was asked to conduct March right after my cousin died in a horrific tractor accident in February, along with some other family/personal events. Being a Conductor provided something for me to focus on and use as an outlet. While conducting March, we had our house fire on March 17th. My already jacked stress level sky rocketed. A week and a half later I hurt my shoulder, a week after that I was in the orthopedic's office, and the diagnoses and treatment since then has flipped my life 180 degrees.
Everything about the past few months has been a struggle. From being in near constant pain from my shoulder, to being on multiple opiate painkillers oral steroids multiple times a day, to not being able to work, getting my CDL pulled because my damn med card was up and the DOT (rightfully so) couldn't accept any more waivers for medications. I can't even drive our pickup with a commercial insurance policy on it. I'm too much of a legal liability and I refuse to put that on the company I work for. I haven't even been in a tractor, combine, or even done anything at the shop hardly at all this year. I've been alone during most of this. I'm bored as all hell. Concentration is damn near impossible along with any type of regular sleep. My days are a haze of painful physical therapy, trying to "ration" out household chores so I'll have something to do later, working on sections of my yard (and by doing so KNOWING I'm overdoing and am going to be paying dearly for it within hours), and little projects like photography, coloring books, art, reading, Netflix, etc.
Nothing can be done to speed up the shoulder healing; there's no end date to this, no timeline of expected progress. I'm on an extended "vacation" that's making me stressed, anxious, and about to go fucking crazy. I'm facing months of physical therapy yet. I used to be able to bench press 175+lbs. Attempting to bench press a simple broomstick sends me into a sweaty, shaking, exhausted mess. The mental adaption is much worse than the physical pain.
I'm craving a pack of smokes way worse than I have in my entire life. I could care less about a can of dip. I want a cool crisp morning with a cup of coffee and a glorified cancer stick dangling from my mouth while a Percocet starts to kick in. Addict brain + addictive personality + old habits creeping up and dying hard.
But I can't.
And I wont.
Caving is not an option.
Lean on your group.
Lean on a different group.
Go on chat.
Laugh in the middle of the night at a month's GroupMe antics.
Call up people from another group that have somehow become your best friends.
Scream at them. Get fucking angry at the world for awhile. Cry.
Find a vet that's been here for awhile.
Find a new quitter that's still asking those "Is this normal?" questions.
ODAAT doesn't apply just to quitting- sometimes it applies to just life in general too.
Because all of that is much more worth it than failing yourself and quit. 100 days, 200 days, etc. are all great milestones.
The worst days of my quit happened after my Hall of Fame.
It sounds daunting and hopeless, but but you're not cured at any of them. You're never cured. You learn how to deal and cope with the cravings.
You learn how to shut up the little whispers of "just one won't hurt, right?".
It's a struggle, no doubt. No one on here will lie to you about it. They shouldn't. They can't.
It gets easier, I promise.
Because as messed up as this sounds, even with the absolute shit streak I'm going through, how bad my cravings are, and how low I can get, it's easier to say "never again" today than it was at days 1, 2, 3, etc.
