Unexpected Day #1

[CavMan83]

HG. Congrats on 200 days quit. (Autoed to vibrates)
Through the trials and successes there are huge rewards.
Keep up the great fight.
IQWYT.

NICE! 200! Way to go, Gurl!

Awesome job by an awesomer quitter. Even though I'm don't stop by the League daily anymore, I am constantly amazed by the grit, determination, and tenacity you possess, and by the way you coach others to possess the same. Awesome is about the perfect adjective! Proud of you.

[Nolaq]

HG. Congrats on 200 days quit. (Autoed to vibrates)
Through the trials and successes there are huge rewards.
Keep up the great fight.
IQWYT.

NICE! 200! Way to go, Gurl!

[ChickDip]

HG. Congrats on 200 days quit. (Autoed to vibrates)
Through the trials and successes there are huge rewards.
Keep up the great fight.
IQWYT.

[aaron2012]

Day 195

Renovations and repairs to laundry room are completely finished. I know now I can kick ass at reno's like this in the future.

To make a long story shorter- I developed sudden acute adhesive capsulitis in my left shoulder- aka frozen shoulder. Decisions were made to attempt the fullest recovery possible- this is my "last chance" on this shoulder and I can't screw it up. Until the shoulder unfreezes, I can't operate the heavy machinery. No fieldwork, no planting, absolutely no lifting, etc. I went from very easily lifting a 100lb concave up over my head into the belly inside of a combine, to only being able to squeeze playdoh with my right hand down at my side for a few minutes a day. I've never been more thankful for the family company I work for that supports their employee's health and well being more than a body that can run equipment. I'll fill in at the office and do some odd jobs as needed... but my spring season at the very least is already over before it really began.

Another family member passed suddenly yesterday. Yet again- the husband of my dad's first cousin. Extremely quick battle with a cancer that was determined to destory yet again. Godspeed, Lee. Men like you don't often touch the face of this world anymore. Countless youth and community members have been touched by your over the years. RIP, you gentle gracious soul.
In Memory of Lee Martinez

Day 195- and still quit every damn day. Still. fucking. quit.

Still. Fucking. Quit.

Just read your entire intro Harvest. Amazing. You are a badass fucking quitter.

Quit with you.

Fucking right you are.

[CleanFuel]

Day 195

Renovations and repairs to laundry room are completely finished. I know now I can kick ass at reno's like this in the future.

To make a long story shorter- I developed sudden acute adhesive capsulitis in my left shoulder- aka frozen shoulder. Decisions were made to attempt the fullest recovery possible- this is my "last chance" on this shoulder and I can't screw it up. Until the shoulder unfreezes, I can't operate the heavy machinery. No fieldwork, no planting, absolutely no lifting, etc. I went from very easily lifting a 100lb concave up over my head into the belly inside of a combine, to only being able to squeeze playdoh with my right hand down at my side for a few minutes a day. I've never been more thankful for the family company I work for that supports their employee's health and well being more than a body that can run equipment. I'll fill in at the office and do some odd jobs as needed... but my spring season at the very least is already over before it really began.

Another family member passed suddenly yesterday. Yet again- the husband of my dad's first cousin. Extremely quick battle with a cancer that was determined to destory yet again. Godspeed, Lee. Men like you don't often touch the face of this world anymore. Countless youth and community members have been touched by your over the years. RIP, you gentle gracious soul.
In Memory of Lee Martinez

Day 195- and still quit every damn day. Still. fucking. quit.

Still. Fucking. Quit.

Just read your entire intro Harvest. Amazing. You are a badass fucking quitter.

Quit with you.

[harvestgirl]

Day 195

Renovations and repairs to laundry room are completely finished. I know now I can kick ass at reno's like this in the future.

To make a long story shorter- I developed sudden acute adhesive capsulitis in my left shoulder- aka frozen shoulder. Decisions were made to attempt the fullest recovery possible- this is my "last chance" on this shoulder and I can't screw it up. Until the shoulder unfreezes, I can't operate the heavy machinery. No fieldwork, no planting, absolutely no lifting, etc. I went from very easily lifting a 100lb concave up over my head into the belly inside of a combine, to only being able to squeeze playdoh with my right hand down at my side for a few minutes a day. I've never been more thankful for the family company I work for that supports their employee's health and well being more than a body that can run equipment. I'll fill in at the office and do some odd jobs as needed... but my spring season at the very least is already over before it really began.

Another family member passed suddenly yesterday. Yet again- the husband of my dad's first cousin. Extremely quick battle with a cancer that was determined to destory yet again. Godspeed, Lee. Men like you don't often touch the face of this world anymore. Countless youth and community members have been touched by your over the years. RIP, you gentle gracious soul.
In Memory of Lee Martinez

Day 195- and still quit every damn day. Still. fucking. quit.

[harvestgirl]

Day 186

Been awhile since I've updated on here, and it's hard to recollect the time.

Spring is trying to arrive here, which means that spring fieldwork is trying to get started. Everyone at work is tired of being in the shop; they're chomping too early at the bit to start, which happens every year. In two short months approx 25-20k acres of ground will be worked and then planted. In two short months, I'll be back on the road doing the custom harvest.

We had a small house fire on 3/17. It was caused by a faulty fixture (not wiring; actual arcing of the connections on the fluorescent lights to the fixture. The subrogation dept of the insurance company is going after manufacturer; fingers crossed we get our deductible back). I was home and thankfully caught it quick enough that the damage was limited to just that closed off laundry room. The chemical extinguisher the FD used damn near coated half the house- a pro clean up crew had our house completely back in order in two days. It was amazing. For the past week I've been tackling the renovation of the laundry room by myself. New washer/dryer, floor, repair work on ceiling (scraping, sanding, patch, skim coat, primer, texture coat, primer, paint), all walls primed and repainted, new trim cut and stained, re-leveled concrete, new floor, new fixture. It's definitely been a fun/frustrating/exhausting/annoying/awesome learning experience for me, and I'm going to toot my own horn because I am a bad ass mofo doing this all by myself. (My trade off is that I get out of field work to reno the room.)

On the flip side, even though we were so freaking lucky (the fire could have been so so much worse) it's been mentally and physically exhausting to deal with. I leaned damn hard on my Quit Squad. There's always going to be events in life where we hit them and automatically just want a dip, pat for that can, whether be it stress and fear, or just craving because who the hell didn't dip during home improvement projects?

The day the fire happened and I sent out a text message to my main people on here (along with some GroupMe's) to let them know I wasn't going to be around much (especially guilt geared towards being a conductor for March's HOF).
I had instant offers ranging from "I can come this weekend if you need help. Just say the word" to "Let me know what you need" to "I know you don't need it and you'll say no, but if you need anything financial, the offer is there". I had people texting me with words of support, asking how I was doing, and reminding me that nic would never solve anything. I was floored- people I had never physically met in my life were reaching out, yet again (because seriously, this year has sucked), lifting me up and telling me that things were going to be okay. The PTSD I've dealt with over the years reared it's ugly head hard, playing the stupid "what if" games, the "wonderful world of nightmares and flashbacks", and the ever fun "terrified to leave the house because just in case" struggle. Some might scoff or shun the brotherhood part of the main concept of this site, but if it wasn't for the people on here, I'm not sure what I would have done. For me, it just concretes the fact that some of the people I've met on here are more than friends; they're family that knows me better than myself sometimes.

Day 186- and I've proven to myself that I can get through more than I ever thought I could without a cig or a packed lip.

[Bman84]

I quit with you today, too. Day 7.

[harvestgirl]

Nice...
That should be in your signature line.

"How long does it take to shake this feeling of failure over something that didn't happen?"

I Quit with you today....
Rawls 841

You might be on to something with that....

[Rawls]

Nice...
That should be in your signature line.

"How long does it take to shake this feeling of failure over something that didn't happen?"

I Quit with you today....
Rawls 841

[Law1358]

Ive only had one dip dream and it was about 20 days or so into my quit. I felt everything you are saying except it was with a can of timberwolf wintergreen(not even my brand...lol). I felt absolutely awful, but I started feeling better that day when I talked about it on the site and realized it was something normal people go through.. You know you didn't cave, so don't beat yourself up over it. If you did, you know there would be several of us lined up to kick your ass..just as I know you would do the same to us. Keep fighting the good fight..you got it

[harvestgirl]

Day 163

ChickDip and I have a theory that female quitters get them less than male quitters. I still haven't had a dip specific dream. It's not uncommon for me to have um... *cough* illegal drug dream/flashbacks, but that's a little different.

I have had dreams where I go to "my" gas station and there's a bunch of KTC people lingering in the eating area watching me (you creepy ass mofos) to make sure I don't cave out over a stupid can or pack of smokes.

Last night I had a dream where I caved by smoking again.
The dream was about having to get up early in the morning- it was a cool crisp morning barely on the verge of sunset and the birds were just waking up. I was standing in the front yard with a mug of coffee and puffing on that smoke. No one around, just calm. There was that stupid thought of "There could be nothing better than this moment right now, hey?"

I woke up this morning and I swear to god I remember feeling packing the cigs against my thigh and the burn in my lungs, etc. I had to jump in the shower immediately because I was convinced I could smell it on my hands and hair. I seriously thought I had driven to the gas station and bought a pack of Reds and Smooths.

The pure guilt and just the stomach drop I felt when I woke up made me sick and break out instantly into a cold sweat. Fucking scary. I can't even drink coffee this morning because of that dream. I keep thinking this lineup of people from KTC that would be waiting their turn, chomping at the bit to chew my ass apart. I feel like I'd be a smeared bloody pulp in a back alley somewhere by the time it was over with.

How long does it take to shake this feeling of failure over something that didn't happen?

[CavMan83]

I don't know why things like this happen, but I do know that words right now, just don't make any sense. I hurt for you and your family, and my prayer is that somehow you can find peace through this tsunami...

[Stranger999]

Damn, HG, your family is hitting quite a bad patch! Prayers going up for your family!! Hang tough.

You have one of the most bad ass quits I have ever seen going here HG. I know you will get through this and this thread has probably helped many others who are trying to quit. Thanks for sharing and prayers out to your family!

[FLLipOut]

Damn, HG, your family is hitting quite a bad patch! Prayers going up for your family!! Hang tough.