The New Game
What with all the hoopla about guys like Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning, I've been thinking a lot about the sport I invented.
It's way more awesome than any game that's ever been played. And I mean, in the history of the universe.
Even the name of it is awesome...
Ballsy-ball Ball.
It's called that because it takes balls to play it. And because the name of almost every kick-ass sport ends with the word "ball".
So the promo theme music would be, like, AC/DC admonishing spectators to "Lock up your back door and run for your life".
Lo Pan would make an appearance in the commercials too.
Just pointing his finger in slow motion and looking spooky.
Needless to say, the commercials would be awesome and everyone would want to tune in.
Anyway, here's how it would work.
The game lasts all year and the object is for your team to find, steal, and keep the ballsy-ball away from my team.
And here's who might be on my team, for example...
Oprah
Barney Frank
Shamu The Whale
My douche-bag neighbor
6 or 7 monkeys
Joe Rogan
What...? you might be saying... That's crazy! I'll take dudes like Peyton Manning and Hulk Hogan...! I'll dominate...!
Guess what. You're shit is ruined before the game even starts.
Hypothetically, here's why.
So let's say the ballsy-ball starts off with your team in January. And you give it to Manning to hide in one of his fuckteen houses.
Guess what I do.
I find out where it is and I send in my monkeys.
They trash the fucking place, steal the Ballsy-ball and, for extra style points, they shave off half of Manning's hair.
Now I'm winning 5,000 to 0, and you look like a complete fag.
So, unbeknownst to you, I give the Ballsy-ball to Barney Frank who spends the rest of the year with it hidden up his ass.
You, consequently, never find it and lose horribly.
(If, by the way, you'd have picked somebody like George Michael or Richard Simmons, you might have found it...)
You see...? So, this epic shit goes on all year long. Every day and every night.
You give the Ballsy-ball to, say, Kelly Ripa.
But I find it and me and Joe Rogan bust in on her, take it away and teabag her for good measure and extra points.
6,000 to 0.
Then I secretly take it to Florida, wrap it in herring, and feed it to Shamu.
Good luck finding that, shit-for-brains!
So at the end of the year, the entire season is shown on TV during the Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl.
It's like a two-day epic telecast and it'd be on cable, so we could cuss.
Hosted by, like, Gene Simmons and Brent Mussberger.
GENE: Brent, what the fuck...? Let's roll the tape from January.
BRENT: Right you are, Gene.
GENE: A pure, fucking stroke of genius, Brent, using those monkeys like that!
BRENT: Right you are, Gene. As you know, monkeys just don't give a shit about anything!
Slow motion montage of my monkey team fucking up Peyton Manning's house, screeching and running around and throwing their poop, and Manning crying and hollering.
As you might imagine, the sponsorship potential is astronomical.
"...Next week, some guy goes pawing through whale shit to try to turn the tide in the 2012 Ballsy-ball Ball match...Brought to you by Dorito's...!"
The thing is, you never know what's going to happen.
Pretty much anything could go down...
People would be telling their grandkids about the 2013 Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl and how Prince had the ballsy-ball for 3 months before Paula Deen found out about it and tuned him up and then hid it in a stew pot until April, when the dudes from Jackass hockey-punched her in the vagina and hid the ballsy-ball in a Port-o-Pot, until Steve from Blue's Clues found it and blah blah blah blah blah.
Anyway, I was telling my wife about this idea this morning at breakfast.
Predictably, she was not impressed.
But I think mostly because I already picked the monkeys for my team.
99% of all dentists agree that Ballsy-ball Ball would be the shizzle.
