Understand that what I put down here is not intended or expected to get me right back where I was with this group. I don't at all expect to "slide right back" in or to post up shitloads of hilarity or arrogance. Believe me, the hilarity and arrogance hasn't at all returned, if it ever will.
Consider this instead, Step 2 of what's likely to be an almost infinite number of steps here. Step 1 was coming back and owning what I've got coming. Step 2 is just me laying down the truth.
Maybe it will help someone and maybe it won't. Either way though, for what it's worth, I owe at least that much to the guys who helped me here.
I almost wish I could say that some traumatic shit happened to make me cave.
It didn't.
It was nothing more than standing in line at a convenience store to pay for a cup of coffee.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Shit. That's when it registered.
All that I had done. All the bravado. All the smack-talk.
Gone. Undone. Worthless.
I don't even remember how many days Quit I was then, because every one of those days went bye-bye in that one fucking moment. I know it was a lot, and I know how much it hurt to see them go.
So then, a choice: Do I come back to KTC the next day and fess up to my terrible behavior..?
Or do I just push that certain unpleasantness aside and go with the can instead..?
You know the choice I made - Going back to my habit was easier than coming back here.
You see, to come back here would be, in my mind at the time, pretty sucky. I'd have to publicly admit that I wasn't as awesome as I thought I was, that I was weak, and that most of you guys were stronger than me. I'd have to own all kinds of unpleasant admissions and I just didn't want to do it.
I agonized over it. I really did.
But I wasn't strong enough to make the right call.
So since then, I've been off and on... On my own. Sometimes not chewing for months and then other times convincing myself that one can won't hurt.
This, as you all know better than I, is unmitigated bullshit.
While some dudes can just quit things like tobacco on their own, with no support group, no accountability, and no problems, I'm obviously not one of them.
None of us are, or you wouldn't be here.
Admitting this to myself and owning my multiple weaknesses brought me back here.
And here's the ridiculously simple math:
SWJ On His Own + Tobacco = Disaster
SWJ And KTC + Tobacco = Quit
You see, I got past my 100 days and somehow became convinced that I'd been cured of my addiction. I stopped posting roll. I lost touch. I fell away.
And look what happened.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..?
That's bullshit - I just want to be done.
But with me, I realize, this isn't the way it works. I WILL have to be posting roll in here 20 years from now, if I want to stay Quit.
Apparently, I just can't do it alone.
Which sucks in a lot of ways, but it is what it is.
So, here I am.
Humbled...
Embarrassed...
Ashamed...
Disappointed...
And firm in the belief that I need this place to kick this shit.
So bring it on - I deserve whatever you want to say, as I know how it works here.
For my part, I want to be done with this along the way, if I'm able to regain some of the trust that we built together before, that sure would be nice.
But I expect it will take time, and I'm ready to do my part.
For now, no bullshit, no comedy, no awesomeness.
Just me, leaning on the accountability here, one day at a time.
