If any of you are having a bad crave day. Take a time out from it read this and see if you don't smile and feel better.Â
SWJ's writing is brilliant!
Air Travel Is WeirdBeing a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.
The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.
Imagine if waitresses did that.
WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.
ME: Hey.
WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?
That would be unsettling.
And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.
Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.
Well I don't like it.
On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like
this.(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)
Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like
this...?
Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.
The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.
For safety.
Let me help you out, bitches.
#1: I don't own an infant.
#2: If you do own one, good for you.
#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.
If I had my own airline, it would rule.
Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...
1. Crowd ControlI would have bouncers on the plane.
If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.
Literally.
And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.
2. Customer IncentivesIf people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.
If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket.
If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?
Free ticket.
Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.
3. CuisineMy planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.
None of this peanuts and crap like that.
I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.
And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?
4. Gate ServiceYou know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "
Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?
Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.
We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.
Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.
My airline would dominate.
Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...