First Day Introduction

[copingwithoutcopen]

Ktc has helped me to understand that life will still throw a few curves at you and we can't control it all. We can control being quit, being strong and being present. Sometimes that's all we can do. Thanks for being here, never giving up and offering support.

I keep trident gum on hand for those times I'd like to pull what's left of my hair out.

Positive thoughts brudda.

[basshaug]

Good update Medic. Keep the faith and stay focused on the end result. Good thoughts only. Prayers.

Quit with you Ben. I hope the cancer will soon wither and die so you guys can move on to more normal times. With you buddy.

[Done4Me]

Good update Medic. Keep the faith and stay focused on the end result. Good thoughts only. Prayers.

[Medicff]

Well its time for an update. Much has happened since my last report at day 369. Today is day 539. Several friends and co-workers continue to struggle with the nic bitch and I try to help and lead them here but none are quite ready to commit.

Mrs. Medic is hanging in there. She had a scan to see if her treatments worked. They found a few areas of concern that they were keeping an eye on. 5 weeks later she was re-scanned. Cancer in her rib, another place in her lung, in her lymph nodes in her chest and in her abdomen - unsure if in her pelvis or lymph nodes.

Her cancer is fed by hormones so yesterday they took out her tubes and ovaries. She is recovering well.

We will have more treatment options now that they have induced menopause. Another round of chemo may be in order but that is only a guess. The immediate concern was to turn off the fuel that was feeding her cancer.

I am didn't make grades at school so I also am waiting to find if I am allowed back into school. Nursing requires Bs not C+ to pass.

I don't struggle with craves too much. I do find myself biting my lip or cheek. I'm not out of danger but I'm way more confident staying clean when around others that dip. Its only a small step of progress to report this round.

Other quitters here continue to be a source of strength and have been some amazing friends despite being a friendship that began online with addiction at its core. I'm thankful for this place and for the other quitters.

Today is 539. I quit again today.

[D2maine]

nice job on the half comma! congrats!

[Medicff]

I guess I can officially declare this my quit journal. I find it therapeutic. Unfortunately it reads more like a tragedy.

Wife has recovered from her chest tube was sent home on a Sunday. Wednesday evening her grandmother who she was very close to died. She was 97 and a diabetic and it was expected but it was painful emotionally.

Wife was able to do her cyberknife treatments with good success. Her last one was today.

School has been super stressful. I continue to come up just below the mark on exams. Concentration is difficult.

Yesterday my daughter was sick and we took her to the doctor's office. They sent her home but she ended up in the ER last night. Appendicitis. She had it removed today and is doing great. She may be there all weekend because it was infected. So her birthday party may be re-scheduled.

Finals are this week and next. I would like to pass so I don't have to repeat this semester.

We are ready to put the month of May behind us.

Funny story: I missed one of my clinical day and had to reschedule due to wife getting a chest tube. On my make up day I got a patient with a chest tube.

Next clinical day I got a 12 year old who had his appendix out. Today my 12 year old got her appendix out.

Told my instructor next clinical day I'm sitting at desk and answering phones.

Today is quit day 369. I passed one year. I don't think about nicotine much anymore other than to pause and shake my head at the droves of people outside still sucking on smokes. Slaves. The oral fixation still bothers me. When stressed I catch myself biting my lip or looking for mints to suck on.

Nicotine is has less grip but the effect (oral fixation) remains. If a new guy is reading: the struggle remains but it changes forms. Keep your guard up.

[pab1964]

Very nice 1 year for you Medic, you are a strong man to keep this quit going.
I am proud to be quit with you today and every day.

'party2'

Med you are a much stronger man than myself. I hope all is well. God be with you and your's. Stay strong for your family, they all need Dad now. God bless, your family will be in my prayers tonight.

[ChickDip]

Very nice 1 year for you Medic, you are a strong man to keep this quit going.
I am proud to be quit with you today and every day.

'party2'

[basshaug]

i'm glad to hear she is feeling better. damn proud to quit with you Ben.

[ChickDip]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.

Major prayers for you and your family. One thing in this thread that is common:

You have uncommon loyalty to your wife, you family and your quit. That much is clear. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you are making. You are doing a great job of balancing everything that is being thrown at you.

KTC is behind you fully...let us know if there is any way we can help.

May God guide you and give you strength during this difficult time.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do during times like this is finding a way to take care of you as well.

my thoughts and prayers to you and yours...

Be strong for your wife and family. Prayers and positive thoughts for you, your wife and family!!!!! May God lend his helping hand during these difficult times!!!

Keeping you in my prayers.

[Kdip]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.

Major prayers for you and your family. One thing in this thread that is common:

You have uncommon loyalty to your wife, you family and your quit. That much is clear. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you are making. You are doing a great job of balancing everything that is being thrown at you.

KTC is behind you fully...let us know if there is any way we can help.

May God guide you and give you strength during this difficult time.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do during times like this is finding a way to take care of you as well.

my thoughts and prayers to you and yours...

Be strong for your wife and family. Prayers and positive thoughts for you, your wife and family!!!!! May God lend his helping hand during these difficult times!!!

[D2maine]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.

Major prayers for you and your family. One thing in this thread that is common:

You have uncommon loyalty to your wife, you family and your quit. That much is clear. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you are making. You are doing a great job of balancing everything that is being thrown at you.

KTC is behind you fully...let us know if there is any way we can help.

May God guide you and give you strength during this difficult time.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do during times like this is finding a way to take care of you as well.

my thoughts and prayers to you and yours...

[RAZD611]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.

Major prayers for you and your family. One thing in this thread that is common:

You have uncommon loyalty to your wife, you family and your quit. That much is clear. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you are making. You are doing a great job of balancing everything that is being thrown at you.

KTC is behind you fully...let us know if there is any way we can help.

May God guide you and give you strength during this difficult time.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do during times like this is finding a way to take care of you as well.

[Frazzled]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.

Major prayers for you and your family. One thing in this thread that is common:

You have uncommon loyalty to your wife, you family and your quit. That much is clear. Don't feel bad for any of the choices you are making. You are doing a great job of balancing everything that is being thrown at you.

KTC is behind you fully...let us know if there is any way we can help.

[cbird65]

Ok. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. I hate long posts.

Mrs. Medic had been doing well but was having some pain where she had her radiation. She ended up with some contracture from the radiation but she was sent for a scan to be sure the cancer didn't come back. Well...... The nodule in her lung had grown. Almost doubled in size in 3 months. Yikes.

So the new plan was to do the cyber knife and get this spot knocked out. Well.... they burned her face a bit doing the mold for the mask for the cyber knife - not physically damaging but emotionally devastating.

I'm gonna just say that scheduling and preregistration is as big an oxymoron as an honest politician.

Yesterday she had a brain MRI because of serious ocular migraines. Results pending.

Today we went to get a lung nodule biopsy and gold markers placed on the tumor. This will allow targeting of the cyber knife. Well.... we came in thinking it would be a 5 hour deal. They collapsed her lung and she has a chest tube for the night. She is ok and resting well but we had some scary moments even for me.

Today is quit day 350.
Today was harder for me emotionally than any previous day so far. I felt guilty because I was angry that I now had to make school and work arrangements because of this. I felt guilty because i was angry I had to change my schedule.
As our kids get older I think more of them and how they are coping.

I made a difficult decision for me tonight. I decided to come home from hospital and be with the kids. Plan is to discharge her in the morning after the chest tube is removed. I have never left her side thru a time like this but I am burned out and needed rest to care for her tomorrow. I needed to talk to my kids about why mommy didn't come home after school today. I needed to hold them.

Today is quit day 350 - there was not thought of nicotine, no scrambling for mints or tea leaves or fake. Today was a quit victory. It was emotional as hell but it was a quit victory.

Damn.. words fail me.

Prayers, Bro.

With you ben. Thoughts with your family.

Ben,

Its never an easy choice, but there is also no wrong choice. I am sure your wife is in good hands, and your kids need you right now. Rest and be strong tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for you and yours brother.

Continued positive thoughts and prayers, bro.

Thinking of you all day. Prayers and thoughts to you, your wife and children all day.

Damn, Med. Sending good thoughts and strength your way.

Prayers for your wife but also for strength for you while you are battling.