Just got back from spending the day fishing with my Dad. He's 80 years old, still works delivering mail 6 hours a day and very young for his age. Had a really nice day with him and caught quite a few fish.
My old man has always been a nicotine dabbler. When I was a kid I remember him smoking a pipe for a while and he quit it cold turkey. Then he smoked cigars for a while and quit them cold turkey. After I got out of high school, he began to chew leaf tobacco. He did that for around 15 years and then told me one day that he quit....cold turkey of course about 10-12 years ago. Said that he didn't like the hold it was getting on him. He's always had what seemed to me to be an insane amount of self-control. Something that I did not inherit from him. If he needed to lose weight, he quit eating breakfast. If he wanted to quit chewing, he just did. Meanwhile, I just kept chewing. He did say to me a few years after he quit that it was a lot harder to quit than anything else and he still thought about it a lot.
In 1999 he was diagnosed with a fairly advanced and aggressive form of bladder cancer. Long story short, after a scary year or two, having his urinary bladder removed and a new one made from his bowel, fast forward 15 years and he is cancer free. He just got back from his yearly visit and still a clean bill of health.
As I got in the boat with him today, I stuffed a fist full of seeds in my mouth and told him that I had finally quit chewing...130 days ago. He kind of nonchalantly said, "Oh yeah? I just started chewing again." It was like someone kicked me in the gut. I'm still kind of sick about it. He went on to say that the surgeon that did his bladder surgery said that there is a really great chance that he will never have cancer again. And, that he just has a chew every once in a while. Does that sound like addict logic or what. Now, if anyone can just occasionally have a chew, it is my dad, but I doubt it. He mentioned that the cravings never went away.
Surely, he realized that the doctor said that in regards to the cancer he removed...not in general. I don't know what to think. He's 80 and lived through a horrible ordeal with cancer. He never said anything about me chewing. I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same thing he is if I had gone through what he did. I wouldn't now, knowing what I have learned in the last 130 days.
I'm all fucked up about this. I don't know what to think or say about it. I'm mad, disappointed, shocked...but at the same time...it's his decision. I think it is so hard for me to hear because of what I know about the addiction. I hate that the bitch is winning with Dad. I hate that, like him, we will always have this fucking addiction to deal with.
I know this is just rambling but it really fucked up my thoughts.
Regardless...I QLF...just wish my old man still was.
