Aumegrad Intro

[Aumegrad]

Thanks Rich, good info to have and I appreciate you sharing that. I will hone in my research to the thyroid.  It’s interesting that so many studies have been performed on the effects of nicotine, yet so little is understood.  Concerning weight gain, the general cause identified on the web is “we are eating our feelings ... blah blah blah”, but I can most assuredly attest that is not happening here.

[oldschool]

Day 134 and the beat goes on.  Figured I would document some things here:

1) not major, but I have always monitored my food intake and excersize, my body seemingly to be at equilibrium for over a decade.  However since quitting, I have gained a solid 10#.  My intake hasn’t changed and excersize has increased.  Nicotine must have some sort of unidentified physiological effect.  A bit frustrating, but will get a vertical climber or something ...

2) I have been having some wicked craves lately, especially today when heading home for work ... and after dinner.  Just wild, I knew they’d hit again, but it’s like my mind is screaming now like a petulent child want not necessarily nicotine, but SOMETHING.  Zero chance of cave here, but the power of the mind is incredible.  Just gotta stay vigilant. 

3) other aspects of my life seem to be settling in.  I find a great deal of pride in my quit.  Show off my coin at any given opportunity, friends or strangers.  Quitting definitely makes my top5 list of life accomplishments, still means a great deal to me.

4) generally not one to talk about feelings, but I have forced myself to be open to my wife about craves and such.  It does seem to help mentally, just getting to voice my frustrations.

5) with that said, quitting isn’t easy, but it does get significantly easier.  I can already look back thru my original posts and identify the improvements and I’m sure I will look back at this post in 100 days and smile. 

Here’s to shooting for the 2nd level.

Johnathon, I have been researching weight gain with quitting dip (even more so than smoking). It appears that our thyroid gland may be affected by nicotine. When we quit, we gain weight even though calories stay the same. I am considering getting tested for this. As always, proud to quit with you and much respect.

[Aumegrad]

Day 134 and the beat goes on.  Figured I would document some things here:

1) not major, but I have always monitored my food intake and excersize, my body seemingly to be at equilibrium for over a decade.  However since quitting, I have gained a solid 10#.  My intake hasn’t changed and excersize has increased.  Nicotine must have some sort of unidentified physiological effect.  A bit frustrating, but will get a vertical climber or something ...

2) I have been having some wicked craves lately, especially today when heading home from work ... and after dinner.  Just wild, I knew they’d hit again, but it’s like my mind is screaming now like a petulent child want not necessarily nicotine, but SOMETHING.  Zero chance of cave here, but the power of the mind is incredible.  Just gotta stay vigilant. 

3) other aspects of my life seem to be settling in.  I find a great deal of pride in my quit.  Show off my coin at any given opportunity, friends or strangers.  Quitting definitely makes my top5 list of life accomplishments, still means a great deal to me.

4) generally not one to talk about feelings, but I have forced myself to be open to my wife about craves and such.  It does seem to help mentally, just getting to voice my frustrations.

5) with that said, quitting isn’t easy, but it does get significantly easier.  I can already look back thru my original posts and identify the improvements and I’m sure I will look back at this post in 100 days and smile. 

Here’s to shooting for the 2nd level.

[chris2alaska]

So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.....

Thanks for sharing the win brother, thoroughly enjoyed reading that.  There's more to come.  I hope you keep storing them here to chronicle the journey as well as to give others hope.  I feel like dancin'

Awesome win Bro.  I am so looking forward to my vacation in February.  Thanks for the pick me up.

[Athan]

So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.....

Thanks for sharing the win brother, thoroughly enjoyed reading that.  There's more to come.  I hope you keep storing them here to chronicle the journey as well as to give others hope.  I feel like dancin'

[Aumegrad]

So I sit here 112 days into my quit and feel the need to document a solid win.  This past week, me and my wife spent several nights traveling on a work trip on the west coast.  This trip was planned about 4 months ago, just before my quit.  I remember at that time being consumed by anxiety as I pondered “how will I be able to sneak a chew?”, “I will need at least 3 a day and with so much going on, how will I do this?”, “will it be an open bathroom to facilitate my disgusting habit?” ... the thoughts went on and on.  I also recall upon my decision to quit thinking how great it would be to get to this trip and not sweat any of the aforementioned thoughts, to just enjoy the trip.  I mean, what would this be like?  All the time, energy, lies spent on worm dirt, would I possibly be able to convert that into positive time for myself and with my wife?  Would this REALLY be possible?!?!

Guess what?  IT IS POSSIBLE AND IT IS SO WELL WORTH IT!  We just returned from this trip and man oh man, best trip ever.  You see, my wife and I were able to leave the hotel in the mornings and just go enjoy life.  I didn’t need to fake stomach issues in order to sneak a dip ... I didn’t need to do anything to distract from the amazing time we had.  We simply enjoyed life ... what a damn concept, huh?  We constantly explored and enjoyed our time together with NO interruptions, angst, or awkward responses when I told her a craptacular reason for me to sneak away for a "hit".

At one point walking around San Jose, we passed a hookah lounge.  While I laughed a bit and jokingly asked my wife “care to partake?!?”.  Though she knew I was joking, she responded by saying “you have a coin in your pocket that says you can’t do that”.  I love her and loved this thought.  Her statement had a sense of finality, the same finality I came to terms with 112 days ago.  You see, I underestimated the power of this HOF coin in my pocket.  While I had first thought it a token of my 100 day milestone, it actually turns out that this coin makes it impossible for me to cave.  This coin has turned into nicotine’s kryptonite.  Actually, EVERYTHING in my life has turned into nicotine’s kryptonite ... EVERYTHING.  I realized at this point, I have created a new life filled with anti-triggers where anything that may associate with nicotine, I have converted it into vile hatred for nic.  And not only was this just localized to me, it has permeated beyond myself and to the ones I love.  Was just a remarkable time in my quit.

I had the opportunity to play a buck-list golf course and one of the caddies chewed the entire back nine.  He was fairly discrete about it, but still I can easily stiff these pour souls out.  Regardless, upon first noticing, the thought entered my mind but left just as quickly as it came.  This was also an interesting point in my quit.  On one hand, I was quickly able to overcome a potential crave with little effort.  But on the other hand, that thought came 112 days post quit ... I MUST NEVER let my guard down.

So to sum this point in my quit up ... hooray for me .  Freedom DOES exist, it is NOT a pipe dream, it is attainable, and it is amazing, and it is SO worth the suck from the past 112 days.

Stay strong all, I am quit today and proud to do so with all of you.

Aumegrad 112

[Aumegrad]

I posted this a couple weeks ago in reference to some post HOF struggles my brothers were having.  Also, in light of recent craves several of us in the 100-130 day range have had, I wanted to place here for my ref:

“Such a great topic!  When I would previously, periodically consider quitting, I was always thrown off by fear of the unexpected.  All I heard or read was “it was sooooo bad”.  What does this mean?!?!?  Will my ears bleed? Nose fall off?  Will my penis go from an outtie to an innie?!?  Would all these effects last forever?!?! This site helped alleviate that by providing realistic description of the quit ... up to 100 days.  So that has been my goal, 100 days.  However through this (almost) 100 days, I have had the opportunity to be enlightened by the titans of quit on this site (as noted above) and realized a couple months ago that 100 days is fun on paper and worthy of a quick celebration, but it ultimately means squat.  I will continue to incurr the suck for another ~265 days, with ups and downs that will generally lessen, but not necessarily.  I needed realistic expectations because I feared a mental letdown could fuel a cave.  So I made my mind up then, much like I did when I decided to quit and aim towards 100, I set my sights on 365.  What this means for me is a conscience decision every second, for every minute, for every hour, for every day, for every week, for the 12 months, I will fight this addiction.  No moral victories, just a mental war for 365 days of conscientiously choosing to say ‘NO’.  For this 365, I plan to employ all tools that have gotten me this far, including my daily commitment to you Rawkstars.  Beyond this, we will cross that bridge when we get there.   But I will remain focused and hope I encounter what was previously mentioned ... I reach Day ~365 and realize nic is a distant memory.  Please know that I quit with you today and look forward to quitting with you tomorrow!”

[Aumegrad]

Today marks my 100 day milestone.  Hooray and hi fives for everyone! 

I am linking my HoF Speech here for future reference and personal message consolidation.

Go ahead and quit ... everyone's doing it! 

Aumegrad - 100

[Croakenhagen]

As I stand on the eve of my HoF, I am reminded of "The Night Before Christmas" poem and couldn't shake it.  So, it then turned into the following.  I am not a literary guy, so don't judge.  However, I think I will enjoy looking back on this, reminded of the battle!
 

Twas the day before my HoF and all through the grit, I didn’t get a crave, not even a bit.

My lip and jaw healed from the years of abuse, all seems to be much healthier from gum line to tooth.

With Ma (don’t tell my wife I called her this 😊) full of encouragement, and I feeling grand with thoughts that I will never be controlled by that damn plant again.

Looking at my kids, it provides me great pride, in knowing that my quit is affording us together, a much longer “ride”.

Though as a ninja dipper, they never saw me chew, I know they are proud though never having a clue.

For all those times I would sneak away for a hit, the old witch was laughing, cause she didn’t give a spit!

My kids would search for me, seeking their dad, while I was secretly stuffing my face and feeling dejected, useless and sad.

But 99 days ago, all of that changed, I was given a new outlook, I was given a new name

I looked the witch right dead in her eye, I told her “no more” and waved her good bye

I gathered all my cans and threw them afar, cans from my backpack, my office desk, my coats, and cans from my car.

I came clean to wife and apologized for the lies, she hugged my neck, said she loved me and we both had good cries.

The journey has been tough, but not as bad as I had thought, at this point, would average my anguish pretty much as aught.

For my health has been confirmed to be at the top of its game, my gum line stopped receding and my jaw, no more pain.

All the times I was unfairly pulled from joining my kid’s fun, they are being reversed and filled with homework, football, Nintendo and nerf guns.

You see, for all that time when I thought I was living and making it through, it was all a load of lies that continually grew.

That evil hag offers nothing but folly, and having her in my life really diminished its quality.

But I have retak’n my life and refocusing my time, for NOW I am living, NOW in my prime.

Though the road has been tough and has taken tenacity, I think it is fair to say that I have developed a keen quitter’s mentality.

So if you’re sitting there reading this and considering your options, before you go stuffing your face with a deadly concoction, consider this:

Life is worth living and we only get one shot, so why not focus on the things you love with everything you got?

True quitting isn’t fun and it will be a war, but the wounds are well worth the additional time with those you adore.

Listen, you can quit this stuff as thousands have proven, just QUIT, seriously that’s really all there is to it!

I’m not a poem guy and this may be my first rhyme, but the moral of this story is that you can get your life back by quitting with me one day at a time! 

My name is Johnathon and I’ll be an addict till death, I can assure you I will faithfully fight this addiction up to my dying breathe!

--
Aumegrad - 99 and quit with you all!

Dude!! That was awesome to read.  Your posts here always are inspiring and light a fire under my quit everytime I read them. Proud to be quit with you today.

[Aumegrad]

As I stand on the eve of my HoF, I am reminded of "The Night Before Christmas" poem and couldn't shake it.  So, it then turned into the following.  I am not a literary guy, so don't judge.  However, I think I will enjoy looking back on this, reminded of the battle!
 

Twas the day before my HoF and all through the grit, I didn’t get a crave, not even a bit.

My lip and jaw healed from the years of abuse, all seems to be much healthier from gum line to tooth.

With Ma (don’t tell my wife I called her this 😊) full of encouragement, and I feeling grand with thoughts that I will never be controlled by that damn plant again.

Looking at my kids, it provides me great pride, in knowing that my quit is affording us together, a much longer “ride”.

Though as a ninja dipper, they never saw me chew, I know they are proud though never having a clue.

For all those times I would sneak away for a hit, the old witch was laughing, cause she didn’t give a spit!

My kids would search for me, seeking their dad, while I was secretly stuffing my face and feeling dejected, useless and sad.

But 99 days ago, all of that changed, I was given a new outlook, I was given a new name

I looked the witch right dead in her eye, I told her “no more” and waved her good bye

I gathered all my cans and threw them afar, cans from my backpack, my office desk, my coats, and cans from my car.

I came clean to wife and apologized for the lies, she hugged my neck, said she loved me and we both had good cries.

The journey has been tough, but not as bad as I had thought, at this point, would average my anguish pretty much as aught.

For my health has been confirmed to be at the top of its game, my gum line stopped receding and my jaw, no more pain.

All the times I was unfairly pulled from joining my kid’s fun, they are being reversed and filled with homework, football, Nintendo and nerf guns.

You see, for all that time when I thought I was living and making it through, it was all a load of lies that continually grew.

That evil hag offers nothing but folly, and having her in my life really diminished its quality.

But I have retak’n my life and refocusing my time, for NOW I am living, NOW in my prime.

Though the road has been tough and has taken tenacity, I think it is fair to say that I have developed a keen quitter’s mentality.

So if you’re sitting there reading this and considering your options, before you go stuffing your face with a deadly concoction, consider this:

Life is worth living and we only get one shot, so why not focus on the things you love with everything you got?

True quitting isn’t fun and it will be a war, but the wounds are well worth the additional time with those you adore.

Listen, you can quit this stuff as thousands have proven, just QUIT, seriously that’s really all there is to it!

I’m not a poem guy and this may be my first rhyme, but the moral of this story is that you can get your life back by quitting with me one day at a time! 

My name is Johnathon and I’ll be an addict till death, I can assure you I will faithfully fight this addiction up to my dying breathe!

--
Aumegrad - 99 and quit with you all!

[Aumegrad]

94 nicotine free days are behind me and am now focused on 95.  The closer I get to punching my ticket on the HOF train, the more I realize I have fought and won many battles, but the war will never end.  It will lessen to near nonexistence, but it will never be over.  Through the first ~4 weeks of my quit, I’m not sure if I was strong enough to face this.  However, as I have strengthened thru these past ~9 weeks, I know I am most definitely capable to battle this witch to the end.  Not only capable, but in an almost sadistic way, I look forward to it … to every battle I win, where I refuse to be a slave.  Where each battle, my chest puffs out just a little more.
That brings me to this morning.  I have a handful of triggers, a few of which are the routine ones.  The ones where I dipped every day at the same time for decades.  These are the ones that have been most difficult to manage. 

       -   Waking up, working out, breakfast, coffee, then the time I was looking forward to, dip/shower/shave. 
       -   Or, it’s been a long day of work and looking forward to that commute dip headed home (granted this is 5/7ths of week but strong nonetheless).
       -   Or I drive out to pick up some lunch and always looked forward to that dip in my car afterwards. 
       -   Or after dinner, it has been a long day and look forward to that post dinner dump dip.

These are my four “biggies” that I have battled every day for the past 94 days.  And of these, the first two have been the worst.  Every day, at each of the moments above, a dip thought would enter my mind.  And every day I had to fend it off … every day.  Granted some days/events were tougher than others, but even if just a glimpse of a thought, it was always there.

So I wrote a week ago that my initial “physical bloodwork fast thought” generated no dip thoughts and that was the first sign of the successful rewiring of my brain.  Well this morning was a bit more monumental.  This morning I woke up, worked out, ate breakfast, read a couple chapters of Isaiah, had breakfast and coffee, went and showered and shaved, dressed for work, kissed the kids and wife good bye, hopped in the car to head to work.  Sitting in the car, I felt as if something was missing, as if I had forgotten something.  Then it dawned on me, I HAD INDEED FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 94 DAYS, I WENT THROUGH MY MORNING RITUAL WITHOUT A GENERAL DIP THOUGHT.  MY GOODNESS, WHAT A FEELING! 

I’m not sure how consistent this will be.  I don’t know if I awake tomorrow only thinking about dip.  I don’t know, and I don’t care.  All I know is that today for the first time in 94 days, I awoke, went through my morning routine, and dip never crossed my mind.  And with this, I now also know that those tough mental dip thoughts will NOT be consistent throughout my life.  They may never completely go away, but they will also not be constant.  That glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel I saw nearly two weeks ago, this morning it got ever so slightly brighter.  And as it did two weeks ago, that excites me to no end.  Score one for the good guys, game on!

Aumegrad 95 and erasing nic memories one boot kick at a time with you all today!

[Athan]

Big win.  Huge.  Monumental.  I love those moments.  They'll keep coming.  They'll outnumber the craves.  PTBQWYT

[Aumegrad]

Ahhh sweet day 82 and fall is in the air, I love this time of year!  I tell you all, life simply doesn’t get any better than this.  I had a couple significant craves this week which were frankly as bad as week one.  But if the nic is strong, I am stronger.  Remembered my promise to my Rawktober brethren and a few vets, then powered through.

I did have a significant occurrence this week.  It was time for my annual physical and my first doc visit since I quit dipping.  Unlike previous exams, I requested having my bloodwork performed a couple days prior to my appt so that I could review all the data with him and not await a nurse to call and simply tell me “you’re good”.  I have never looked forward to my blood workup because I had to fast for 8+ hours prior to it.  Previously, this meant that I had to hold off dipping for my 30min drive into work/doc and I simply bypassed several blood workups because of this.  In fact, anytime a blood workup crossed my mind, “I must dip” was my immediate thought, every time.  That all has seemed to change ... FINALLY.  Once I was able to get everything arranged (including convincing the nurses that the world would indeed maintain its course if I did my blood work before my appt as opposed to after), my very first thought was “man, I will need my coffee” and that was immediately followed by “urg, I won’t be able to eat my sunflower seeds in the morning”. 

You see the difference?!?!?!?  Dip was NOWHERE to be seen.  It wasn’t a thought, it wasn’t even a memory.  While on the surface this may seem miniscule, this is the very first sign in my 82 days of quit that my brain is successfully rewiring nicotine out of it.  If 82 days ago was my “first day of the rest of my life” moment, today is the “first day to my new normal life” moment.  There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel and I am starting to get a glimpse of it.  That, ladies and gentlemen, that excites me to no end!

So fast forward to now, I have had my physical and the doc stated I was “the picture of perfect health”.  If that’s the case, health must be one sexy mofo, but I digress!  I have gained 8#’s which is a bit mind boggling considering my food intake has remained constant and I have actually increased my workouts.  Regardless, at day 82, I am healthy, happy, and mentally erasing nicotine one act at a time … Life simply doesn’t get any better than this.

Stay strong all, I proudly quit with you all today!

Aumegrad - 82

[BBQchips]

It has been a while since I have posted.  I intended to meticulously document my quit to use as a reference for later in life when I’m confronted with a seemingly impossible task.  If I can quit this, what can’t I do?!?!  Life ended up getting in the way, but regardless ...

So here I am at day 75 of my quit and frankly, things are fairly smooth right now.  Just went and purchased $20 of gum and good to go!  Even as good as this is, Oct 5th is a day of suck for me.  Three years ago from today, I lost my mother to a complication from a fairly routine surgery.  While I still miss her immensely, I know for certain that she is with our Lord and Savior and comforted by this.  She was/is my source of strength and tenacity and meant the world to me.  So why do I bring this up?  I mean, she didn’t dip.  No she didn’t, though she did smoke her entire life.  However, smoking isn’t what took her life.  Her nicotine dependency and cause of death seem to be worlds apart … or are they?  You see, she had a variety of medical issues, I won’t bore you with the specifics, for 12 years before her passing.  The duration of this time was like a medical and emotional roller coaster.  She would have issues, have a surgery, things would improve for a bit, then there would be something else.  This cycle continued for the entire 12 years.  Whatever the ailment, the doctor routinely stated, “Well, you need to quit smoking.  It will help x, y, z…”.  And through this, I routinely begged, reasoned, admonished her to quit as well, all to no avail.  She loved her nicotine!  Finally, we came to an impasse where a procedure was needed, however she had to be tobacco-free for a few months before and after the procedure to ensure proper healing of the affected bones.  This procedure would have cured most her issues and drastically improved her health and quality of life.  It was really a slam dunk situation … except for the nicotine.  See, nicotine had such a strong grip on my mother, there was no way she could release it for that surgery.  And because she could not release it, that specific surgery never occurred.  This was ~1yr before her death and through that last year, her health continued to decline.  She had a seemingly unrelated surgery, had post-surgery complications, and here we are. 

So even though she didn’t dip, ultimately my mother was still controlled by the hag that has a grip on us all.  And that control was strong enough to make one of the most mentally tuff people in my life choose it over an improved quality of life.  That wretched nic forced my mother to succumb to a lessor life just so she could get one more hit.  Who knows, had my mother quit the nic for that surgery 4 years ago, perhaps her final surgery would not have been necessary?!?!   Or if nic wasn’t in the equation, perhaps many of those procedures would have never taken place?!?  Would I still have my mother and my kid's grandmother?!?!  I simply don’t know, however I do know this.  This situation will NEVER arise in my life.  I will never have to make that decision moving forward because nicotine is fading memory filled with disdain and regret. 

I really wasn’t ever able to connect these dots until recently.  So as I forge ahead in my quit on day 75 and beyond, I thank you Mom for strengthening my quit today.  For whatever reason, you weren’t strong enough to shake it.  But it’s my promise to you, nicotine stopped its pervasive influence thru our family tree 75 days ago.  Deuces nic, kiss my arse!!  The nic STOPS here!

Stay strong KTC, Aumegrad … out!

Aumer,

Thanks again for sharing. Sorry to hear about your mom, but I have to think she is looking down and smiling that you're remembering her and using her as motivation to improve your life. My grandmother and grandfather both passed, and both were life long smokers. A lot of what you said about it having indirect connections looms large. Like you I should have seen it as another reason to quit a long time ago.  Proud to be quitting with you. Keep BAQ'ing.

[Aumegrad]

It has been a while since I have posted.  I intended to meticulously document my quit to use as a reference for later in life when I’m confronted with a seemingly impossible task.  If I can quit this, what can’t I do?!?!  Life ended up getting in the way, but regardless ...

So here I am at day 75 of my quit and frankly, things are fairly smooth right now.  Just went and purchased $20 of gum and good to go!  Even as good as this is, Oct 5th is a day of suck for me.  Three years ago from today, I lost my mother to a complication from a fairly routine surgery.  While I still miss her immensely, I know for certain that she is with our Lord and Savior and comforted by this.  She was/is my source of strength and tenacity and meant the world to me.  So why do I bring this up?  I mean, she didn’t dip.  No she didn’t, though she did smoke her entire life.  However, smoking isn’t what took her life.  Her nicotine dependency and cause of death seem to be worlds apart … or are they?  You see, she had a variety of medical issues, I won’t bore you with the specifics, for 12 years before her passing.  The duration of this time was like a medical and emotional roller coaster.  She would have issues, have a surgery, things would improve for a bit, then there would be something else.  This cycle continued for the entire 12 years.  Whatever the ailment, the doctor routinely stated, “Well, you need to quit smoking.  It will help x, y, z…”.  And through this, I routinely begged, reasoned, admonished her to quit as well, all to no avail.  She loved her nicotine!  Finally, we came to an impasse where a procedure was needed, however she had to be tobacco-free for a few months before and after the procedure to ensure proper healing of the affected bones.  This procedure would have cured most her issues and drastically improved her health and quality of life.  It was really a slam dunk situation … except for the nicotine.  See, nicotine had such a strong grip on my mother, there was no way she could release it for that surgery.  And because she could not release it, that specific surgery never occurred.  This was ~1yr before her death and through that last year, her health continued to decline.  She had a seemingly unrelated surgery, had post-surgery complications, and here we are. 

So even though she didn’t dip, ultimately my mother was still controlled by the hag that has a grip on us all.  And that control was strong enough to make one of the most mentally tuff people in my life choose it over an improved quality of life.  That wretched nic forced my mother to succumb to a lessor life just so she could get one more hit.  Who knows, had my mother quit the nic for that surgery 4 years ago, perhaps her final surgery would not have been necessary?!?!   Or if nic wasn’t in the equation, perhaps many of those procedures would have never taken place?!?  Would I still have my mother and my kid's grandmother?!?!  I simply don’t know, however I do know this.  This situation will NEVER arise in my life.  I will never have to make that decision moving forward because nicotine is fading memory filled with disdain and regret. 

I really wasn’t ever able to connect these dots until recently.  So as I forge ahead in my quit on day 75 and beyond, I thank you Mom for strengthening my quit today.  For whatever reason, you weren’t strong enough to shake it.  But it’s my promise to you, nicotine stopped its pervasive influence thru our family tree 75 days ago.  Deuces nic, kiss my arse!!  The nic STOPS here!

Stay strong KTC, Aumegrad … out!