Oldschool introduction

[oldschool]

280 days nicotine free!

2nd floor has been a rough one for me.  Generally speaking, it has been very similar to the road to HOF.  I even had  a week that mimicked my first week of quit.  Had a month of bad anxiety, short temper, and all over shitty feeling.  The best thing about 2nd floor has been the personal growth I’ve noticed despite the challenges presented to me.  I recognized that my withdrawal symptoms where simply that – withdrawal symptoms.  I decided how I was going to feel and act despite being in withdrawal.

For me exercise has been a savior.  I look forward to lifting weights.  Since I am 50 years old, I have found that recovery takes a little longer than it used to.  I only lift twice a week.  If I lift more than that, my progress stalls and my workouts tank.  Supplementing lifting my wife and I do cardio everyday.  We either walk our dog or go for a bike ride.  Some days we even do both!  It has been totally cool connecting with my wife like this.  I think weight lifting and bike riding is a great stimulus for producing dopamine.

Despite exercising as much as I do, I still have gained a lot of weight.  My diet has stayed the same, but I have probably gained 15 pounds.  Some of it has been muscle from lifting, but the majority is fat around my midsection.  At this point, I am chalking it up to stress.  The stress of quitting coupled with the stressful environment of my work is a hard cocktail that produces cortisol.  I see quite a few Vets attacking weight loss.  My plan is to get to a year quit before I really start focusing on losing weight.  I have realized that you can’t fight too many battles, and right now I am primarily fighting to stay quit of nicotine.

I hope this blog might resonate or help a fellow quitter as it has helped me just to reflect on where I have been and think about where I want to go.  Proud to quit with all of you today!

[Aumegrad]

260 days nicotine free!

The last twenty days have been quite a rough patch of time.  The short temper, being on edge, and tougher craves are still pretty consistent.  When I get stressed, I can feel the back of my neck tighten up almost instantly.  I have been on the go with work and family pretty much non-stop.  I know I have been pushing it hard, and this is not good for my addict brain.  One of the most important tenets of my quit has been this:  You can't do too much.  Just focus on quitting nicotine.  Everything else is secondary.

For me, this has always been hard to do.  I set goals.  I achieve goals.  Whether it is in work or life, there is always something....next...a plan for this and that....actions to be completed.  I have always struggled at just enjoying the moment.  Doing nothing for nothing's sake has eluded me.  This is what I need to work on:  How do I relax?  How can I realize in the moment that I am doing too much?  That I am overloading my brain? 

Thanks to all for your support.

 

Geez Rich, one would think you eavesdropped on the discussion my wife and I had last week.  As a very goal oriented person myself, I have also found it difficult to bridge the mental gap between pre and post quit Aumegrad.  I feel like if I just keep my mind busy, I won’t think about nic.  However, this comes at the detriment of other things such as one on one time with family.  I thanked my wife for pointing this out as I have had my head down, just plowing along.  I explained to her that I am still trying to manage my new mental and emotional state, while being a steady husband and father.

All this said, I agree that forcing myself to take a ‘time out’ to smell the roses is necessary.  To just breathe, not worry about tomorrow and focus on today.  And this will be my new goal as I near the 365 threshold.

Our brains have simply been wired for nicotine, mine since 12 years old (39 now).  It will simply take time to fully rewire.  But we can also use this time to fine tune other aspects of our lives.  For me, there are a couple things are for certain: it will continue getting better AND I will never cave ... period! 

Proud to quit with you Rich! 

[oldschool]

260 days nicotine free!

The last twenty days have been quite a rough patch of time.  The short temper, being on edge, and tougher craves are still pretty consistent.  When I get stressed, I can feel the back of my neck tighten up almost instantly.  I have been on the go with work and family pretty much non-stop.  I know I have been pushing it hard, and this is not good for my addict brain.  One of the most important tenets of my quit has been this:  You can't do too much.  Just focus on quitting nicotine.  Everything else is secondary.

For me, this has always been hard to do.  I set goals.  I achieve goals.  Whether it is in work or life, there is always something....next...a plan for this and that....actions to be completed.  I have always struggled at just enjoying the moment.  Doing nothing for nothing's sake has eluded me.  This is what I need to work on:  How do I relax?  How can I realize in the moment that I am doing too much?  That I am overloading my brain? 

Thanks to all for your support.

 

[Leonidas]

240 days nicotine free!

I have been going through a rather tough time with not only some big craves but some irritability and short temper.  Haven't been this on edge in quite awhile.  Good thing is I have been able to notice it fairly quickly and get it under control.  Another weird quit symptom that I have never had before:  For some strange reason with no apparent trigger I "taste" dip and I start to salivate.  Very strange.  Started happening about the same time I became edgy, etc.  I know my brain is re-wring itself and this is part of the process, but the ebb and tide of good days vs. bad days does get a little tiring.

I am still working on the oral fixation associated with craves.  I have found that I still need to use chewing gum at times.  So be it!  If it keeps me from caving and using nicotine, then spearmint gum it is!

This has been a long hard journey.  Thankful every day I am not putting a dip in my mouth.  Thankful everyday for the help and support I have received from my friends in KTC.  Hopefully I have helped someone in return.

Oldschool.

Rich,
I thank you for sharing your journey, reminding us all the process we will be or have already gone thru.  You are correct that this is a long, hard road.  But fact of the matter, it is made much more manageable with quit brothers such as yourself with your daily promise and encouragement.

I may not be great at many things, but I know that I am one hell of a quitter!  The accountability of this site helps to affirm this.

You are crushing your quit and I am proud to be quit with you today.

Aumegrad - 317

I remember 205 straight through to about 260 as about my toughest time.
Just remember, never cured...

[Aumegrad]

240 days nicotine free!

I have been going through a rather tough time with not only some big craves but some irritability and short temper.  Haven't been this on edge in quite awhile.  Good thing is I have been able to notice it fairly quickly and get it under control.  Another weird quit symptom that I have never had before:  For some strange reason with no apparent trigger I "taste" dip and I start to salivate.  Very strange.  Started happening about the same time I became edgy, etc.  I know my brain is re-wring itself and this is part of the process, but the ebb and tide of good days vs. bad days does get a little tiring.

I am still working on the oral fixation associated with craves.  I have found that I still need to use chewing gum at times.  So be it!  If it keeps me from caving and using nicotine, then spearmint gum it is!

This has been a long hard journey.  Thankful every day I am not putting a dip in my mouth.  Thankful everyday for the help and support I have received from my friends in KTC.  Hopefully I have helped someone in return.

Oldschool.

Rich,
I thank you for sharing your journey, reminding us all the process we will be or have already gone thru.  You are correct that this is a long, hard road.  But fact of the matter, it is made much more manageable with quit brothers such as yourself with your daily promise and encouragement.

I may not be great at many things, but I know that I am one hell of a quitter!  The accountability of this site helps to affirm this.

You are crushing your quit and I am proud to be quit with you today.

Aumegrad - 317

[oldschool]

240 days nicotine free!

I have been going through a rather tough time with not only some big craves but some irritability and short temper.  Haven't been this on edge in quite awhile.  Good thing is I have been able to notice it fairly quickly and get it under control.  Another weird quit symptom that I have never had before:  For some strange reason with no apparent trigger I "taste" dip and I start to salivate.  Very strange.  Started happening about the same time I became edgy, etc.  I know my brain is re-wring itself and this is part of the process, but the ebb and tide of good days vs. bad days does get a little tiring.

I am still working on the oral fixation associated with craves.  I have found that I still need to use chewing gum at times.  So be it!  If it keeps me from caving and using nicotine, then spearmint gum it is!

This has been a long hard journey.  Thankful every day I am not putting a dip in my mouth.  Thankful everyday for the help and support I have received from my friends in KTC.  Hopefully I have helped someone in return.

Oldschool.

[oldschool]

220 days nicotine free!

A friend of mine quit dip roughly the same time as me.  He used chantix initially, and by all accounts everything was going good.

Just found out he recently caved.  He was at a work sponsored event where they were giving out hand rolled cigars.  He told me he was somewhat pressured the first day to have one.  The second day he just jumped right in, and he doesn't even really like cigars...  He did confide that his cravings started to come back - just after 2 cigars.

I just got back from a Customer visit.  I had a six hour drive there and back.  This was one of the first times I was in the car by myself for a long drive.  About halfway into the drive on the first day guess who started whispering in my ear??  Yep, my addict brain said, "hey, get a can.  Your wife isn't around.  Just one can"  As I was driving I got really mad at myself.  Over six months quit, and I was letting this conversation go one within my head.

Packing for the trip, my wife gave me a pack of spearmint gum.  I told her that I had quit chewing gum over 3 weeks ago.  My wife said, "Just in case"  Well, I broke into that pack of gum during my car ride to keep myself from caving.  As always, my wife was right.  Have a plan don't use nicotine for any reason.

For anyone who thinks they are cured - you are just fooling yourself.  Decide today that you are quit for the long haul.  Keep your quit front and center.  Reach out if you need help.

[Gunnar]

Winning. Congrats sir

[oldschool]

200 days nicotine free!

I am writing this sitting on an airplane going on a weekend vacation with family. Today is significant for many reasons, but the main reason is today signifies a freedom I have not experienced in a very long time. I used to be a ninja dipper and going on vacation and trying to figure out how to hide and use dip was exhausting. I wore cargo shorts for the extra pockets and my wife hates cargo shorts!  I would make sure I had a Diet Coke or coffee to have a container to spit in. I would make sure I bought nicotine gum just in case I couldn’t dip - like in an airplane.  I would always travel with a backpack so I could hide a roll of dip easier.

Today is quite different. Didn’t have to worry about any of the bullshit I used to. I quit gum and toothpicks 12 days ago. On the drive to the airport I couldn’t help but feel good about this new found freedom as I thought about how great it was that I didn’t even have to pack chewing gum.  Nothing.  No worries. Just have fun with my family!  How cool is that!  I never would have imagined feeling this good 200 days ago. People who have been here before me said it would get better and it has!  So much better.

I tried twice before to quit using toothpicks or chewing gum, but the absence of those things threw me into a major funk each time. I knew that the most important thing was just not using nicotine so I just carried on. As I approached the 2nd floor I reflected back on how easy my quit was leading up to and shortly after HOF   My hope was that I would experience the same feeling reaching 200 days.  I decided to quit the chewing gum and toothpicks hoping that I could break that habit and gain more freedom.  That first week was very tough - like first week without dip tough but I powered through.  Thanks January Crew brothers for all of the help and encouragement cause I know I was raging quite a bit!  After that first week, it started getting easier and easier to handle the cravings.  I still get cravings daily but they are getting shorter and milder as time goes on.  For me, I knew that I had to be able to deal with the cravings without a substitute in order to build a stronger wall of defense against nicotine.

I write this so newer quitters can have hope that it will get better.  The freedom is such a great feeling. I write this knowing that I am an addict. I write this knowing that I cannot ever slip and I have to be always vigilant never to let nicotine back into my life.  I write this to remember all of the pain, suffering, and hardship I have endured on my quest to break the chains of nicotine slavery. I write this to say Thank You to everyone who has helped me on this journey. I write this as a small way to pay it forward.

[oldschool]

Day 165 Nicotine free!

A good friend told me early in my quit that things will get better.  Just keep racking up the days and it will get better.  That advice was a cornerstone for my quit.  When I was in the throws of withdrawal during the 1st month, I just said to myself things will get better.  When I was in a 3 week Funk starting on day 69, I just said to myself things will get better.  And, they have!  My life has gotten better!  At times I feel what freedom feels like.  This gives me resolve to quit one more day.

Now, the Funks I get do not last as long, and the time in between grows longer and longer.  Sometimes the withdrawal symptoms are very strong, and sometimes I just feel that something is not quite right but I can't put my finger on it.  These come and go.  Yesterday was day 2 of a Funk where I had a crave for the entire day, my skin was crawling as my nerves were so racked.  But thankfully as quickly as the Funk came it left, and this gives me resolve to quit one more day.

My good friend who gave me that initial advice that things will get better blessed me with more quit wisdom.  He said he was hesitant to share his observations because he wanted to make sure what he was feeling was true.  My friend said that he gained more mental clarity and things got so much better shortly after reaching the 2nd floor.  I could tell that he was different during our daily texts - he seemed happier.  Knowing that if I can just quit each day, every day, and that I might feel this way too gives me resolve to quit one more day.

I made a promise to my quit group that I would reach the 2nd floor.  I made a promise to my quit group that I would post roll every day.  I made a promise that I would post roll as soon as I woke up.  I will keep my promise.  It saddens me when other groups and other people trying to quit do not want to hold themselves and others accountable to this one basic premise:  Wake up and post roll right away.  Make that promise to yourself and your quit partners every day.

[BBQchips]

Day 55 nicotine free!

It has been quite a week:  Sunday we were hit with a Blizzard that dumped 14 inches of snow.  Monday had to travel to Dallas.  Tuesday attended a stressful company meeting.  Wednesday played catch up.  Thursday and Friday sandwiched 6 Plant communication meetings in between the day to day working over 14 hours each day.  Then today, day 55, went to a co-workers funeral and said good bye.

The 40 minute drive to the funeral this morning was almost white knuckle.  Rain coming down in buckets with driving 30+ mph wind.  2 weeks ago I would have been so stressed I would have felt like my head was getting squeezed off my shoulders and neck.  Today I felt calm and handled the drive with ease.  As I was driving I thought it must be the good night sleep I just had.  Then I thought, when was the last time I had that good of a sleep?

Once in Church, I began to think of the struggles my friend went through prior to passing.  He was in and out of a hospital 9 times since May.  Fighting life threatening infections, his legs would swell up so bad.  Yet, he never complained.  He relied on his faith in God and his friendships.  I started reflecting on how much pain and suffering my friend endured just to live one more day.  I compared what he went through fighting for his life to what I have been going through the last 55 days.  Quite frankly, I became embarrassed.  At that moment, I realized as my friend was fighting for his life – his mortality –  I was just fighting withdrawal symptoms, which as uncomfortable as they are, probably will not kill me.  To say this thought strengthened my resolve is an understatement. 

On the way home, I began to think about the 55 day journey and some of my recent revelations.  As I watch new quit groups forming, I see this repeatable pattern.  Oh, the first week or two of quit…new members are just trying to figure out how to post roll – just trying to fight to stay quit..  Just starting to figure out how are they going to get through this.  Then I visit the previous month quit group, and I see the members start to establish a bond, fight over a team name, and start holding each other accountable.  Then, I reflect on my quit group, the Crew, and notice we are now more confidently posting our numbers.  Most of us around halfway to HoF.  We are starting to get to know each other.  We are starting to try to pay it forward.  Yesterday, I observed a quit group pass into HoF.  This quit group has a member who reached out to me early in my quit, and we text our promise each day.

So sitting here today on day 55, I realize oh, how much better today is than day 5 – the day I joined KTC.  Today brings resolve that I will continue to fight the battle of addiction.  Today brings the realization that I still have a long way to go, but I think the path will keep getting better.  My main reason for writing this today is I hope that just one thought or sentence will resonate with someone who is quitting when they need help or support.  I hope some of the members of newer quit groups read this and realize it will get better.  Just stay quit one day at a time.  Integrity is a powerful value – make a promise each and every day to stay quit for that day.

I'm glad you decided to share this story. It certainly helped my quit and will for others. It is always helpful to hear stories like the one about your friend to help keep things in focus and perspective. Proud to QWYT.

[oldschool]

Day 55 nicotine free!

It has been quite a week:  Sunday we were hit with a Blizzard that dumped 14 inches of snow.  Monday had to travel to Dallas.  Tuesday attended a stressful company meeting.  Wednesday played catch up.  Thursday and Friday sandwiched 6 Plant communication meetings in between the day to day working over 14 hours each day.  Then today, day 55, went to a co-workers funeral and said good bye.

The 40 minute drive to the funeral this morning was almost white knuckle.  Rain coming down in buckets with driving 30+ mph wind.  2 weeks ago I would have been so stressed I would have felt like my head was getting squeezed off my shoulders and neck.  Today I felt calm and handled the drive with ease.  As I was driving I thought it must be the good night sleep I just had.  Then I thought, when was the last time I had that good of a sleep?

Once in Church, I began to think of the struggles my friend went through prior to passing.  He was in and out of a hospital 9 times since May.  Fighting life threatening infections, his legs would swell up so bad.  Yet, he never complained.  He relied on his faith in God and his friendships.  I started reflecting on how much pain and suffering my friend endured just to live one more day.  I compared what he went through fighting for his life to what I have been going through the last 55 days.  Quite frankly, I became embarrassed.  At that moment, I realized as my friend was fighting for his life – his mortality –  I was just fighting withdrawal symptoms, which as uncomfortable as they are, probably will not kill me.  To say this thought strengthened my resolve is an understatement. 

On the way home, I began to think about the 55 day journey and some of my recent revelations.  As I watch new quit groups forming, I see this repeatable pattern.  Oh, the first week or two of quit…new members are just trying to figure out how to post roll – just trying to fight to stay quit..  Just starting to figure out how are they going to get through this.  Then I visit the previous month quit group, and I see the members start to establish a bond, fight over a team name, and start holding each other accountable.  Then, I reflect on my quit group, the Crew, and notice we are now more confidently posting our numbers.  Most of us around halfway to HoF.  We are starting to get to know each other.  We are starting to try to pay it forward.  Yesterday, I observed a quit group pass into HoF.  This quit group has a member who reached out to me early in my quit, and we text our promise each day.

So sitting here today on day 55, I realize oh, how much better today is than day 5 – the day I joined KTC.  Today brings resolve that I will continue to fight the battle of addiction.  Today brings the realization that I still have a long way to go, but I think the path will keep getting better.  My main reason for writing this today is I hope that just one thought or sentence will resonate with someone who is quitting when they need help or support.  I hope some of the members of newer quit groups read this and realize it will get better.  Just stay quit one day at a time.  Integrity is a powerful value – make a promise each and every day to stay quit for that day. 

[Aumegrad]

Rich, I know I have already texted you the awesomeness of this post, but I must reiterate the positive impact it had on my quit.  In addition, I must state how it epitomizes our quits and the effectiveness of this site’s tools in our quit.  You have gone all-in and it shows.

You are doing a remarkable job and I am proud to be in the trenches with you!

[Athan]

... I went to a Cubs game one Saturday afternoon about a month after switching to nicotine gum.  Somehow I lost the four pieces of gum I brought for the day.  It was horrible.  I was supposed to be enjoying a day with my wife and friends, and instead all I could think about was not having nicotine.  That was the day I decided to quit.  I would no longer have this addiction controlling my life...

I feel you Rich.  It was the addict behavior more than anything else for me; nicotine was in control, not me.  Keep blogging it out.  Your helping yourself and others. PTBQWYT

[oldschool]

Today is day 35 nicotine free!

30 days since my first post on KTC - wow I was a noob just one month ago!  What have I learned since my first post 30 days ago?   This is my Quit.  I am the only one that can choose to be nicotine free or cave.  I have to make this choice every day.  I have to make this choice multiple time a day.  I have to be patient as my brain is rewiring itself.  I have to be cognizant that this rewiring process does not interfere with my life and my relationships. The worst is behind me, but this will not be easy for me as dip and nicotine was just so embedded in my daily life.   It will get better - maybe not today or tomorrow but it will get better. 

What else have I learned in the last 30 days?  There are people who are going through the same thing as me.  Some of us have anxiety, or fog, or can't sleep, or have short tempers, or can't poop, or any combination of withdrawal symptoms,  Just like me, there are people who decide that each day is going to be another day nicotine free - even if it is unbearably hard and painful - this day we promise to be nicotine free.  I have learned that it is ok to reach out for help.  I have learned that there are people who will help - even though they have never met you - they help because someone has helped them.  I have learned that there is strength in numbers.  i have learned that a single promise to someone you don't really know is as strong as a promise to a loved one.  I have learned that it is my responsibility to pay it forward.

My name is Rich.  I am 50 years old, and have had some form of nicotine in my life since i was 16.  I started smoking in high school, and continued until I was 28.  First time I tried dip was when I was in Grad school:  late nights studying.  other Grad students dipped, but smoking was still my main source of nicotine.  I quit smoking when I got married, and TBH it was not that hard for me.  I had about 2 weeks of withdrawal, and then it was like normal life.  8 years went by and all of it nicotine free until one day on a golf course.  Just moved to a new town for a new job, and I went golfing with guys from work.  All of them dipped, and I asked for a pinch.  Next thing you know it I was buying cans.  I did not want my wife to find out so I became a ninja dipper.  I was traveling for my job a lot so hiding in the beginning was fairly easy.  And there you have it, I was hooked again.

Funny thing about this type of addiction is it is so important to get your fix of nicotine that you will do anything to have it.  Even if that means lying to the people you love, altering your life just to get a dip in, and hiding the fact that you dip because you are embarrassed that you do it.  Crazy.  Doing something you know is bad for you, embarrassing habit, but you still look forward to doing it multiple times a day.

Well, i had finally had enough.  I no longer enjoyed dipping.  I just dipped for the nicotine.  I just dipped for the habit.  I hated the fact that I was constantly worried about how my cheeks and gums felt.  I hated how I worried about if i was getting low on dip.  I hated how I had to sneak dip at work - especially during meetings, etc.  I wanted to be free.  For me quitting dip was fairly easy:  I just stopped buying it.  I bought nicotine gum instead, but I was kidding myself.  I went to a Cubs game one Saturday afternoon about a month after switching to nicotine gum.  Somehow I lost the four pieces of gum I brought for the day.  It was horrible.  I was supposed to be enjoying a day with my wife and friends, and instead all I could think about was not having nicotine.  That was the day I decided to quit.  I would no longer have this addiction controlling my life.

So, it was day 5, and I was still feeling quite horrible.  Quitting the second time around was much more difficult.  I needed answers.  I needed help.  I googled dip withdrawal symptoms, and the search led me to KTC.  I starting reading.  I learned that this was not going to be easy.  I learned it will get better.  Those 2 facts along with accountability and the support of new friends have gotten me to Day 35.