To be honest, the reason I have been checking out the past couple days after posting roll is I feel guilty as shit about letting guys down. This is 100% honest. I'm doing this for the July 2016 guys as a cautionary tale. My first response to the 3 questions was bullshit.
What happened:
I have had two serious attempts to quit on this site (separated by one weekend), and two not so serious attempts. In 2014, I quit on March 5th, (I think), and stayed off nicotine for 70 something days. I was somewhat involved on the site, had a few phone numbers and didn't really use them. I posted roll every day, but didn't do much more than that. And then, I caved (no surprise after my lackluster attempt). After a weekend of dipping, I realized how severely I had fucked up and got back to KTC the next day. I did everything I could to stay quit. I got phone numbers, texted (and called) with guys EVERY SINGLE DAY. I was all in. I was conductor for the HOF train. I supported guys and they supported me. I got involved with new groups and made myself and others accountable. As I was doing those things, the thought of nic was the furthest thing from my mind. For the first time ever, during the one or two times where I was having a real bad craving (past 100 days), I actually called guys and talked through it. It worked. Every time. I did everything differently. The reason why in my initial post I said that there was nothing new I could say was because I had actually done the deal (for a while). I did all the things that I hadn't done in the past, and it worked. Well......then why did I cave? See below.
Why did it happen:
Every now and then, though, I would allow the insidious thought to creep back in that dip might not have been that bad. They weren't frequent, and they didn't last for long, but they still came up. I would quickly turn my thoughts back to the shit it caused and the negatives, but I would occasionally romanticize it. I hit some shit in my personal life and the thought crossed my mind that I have a solution to this problem! A solution that would make all the shit feel better - stick some disgusting brown cancer causing plant in my gums. Do I need to tell you whether or not that solution worked?
I caved after the better part of a year. On the day that I caved, I texted guys in the AM that I would quit with them for that day. That was very shitty. I completely understand why guys have lost all faith in me and are pissed off at my lack of integrity.
For the last 14 months, I have dipped nonstop. Here's the deal with caving - as an addict, there is no such thing as one dip and back to KTC. If I dip, it is non-stop, all the time. Be vigilant with your mind, because your thoughts of dip will use any avenue to fuck you up if you have any kind of crack in your wall.
What am I going to do differently?
I am going to go back to those things I mentioned above - accountability, first and foremost. I have a long road to go to earn back trust. I am getting involved as I did before. All in. There is no middle ground for me. The most important thing, though, is that I must crush any romantic notions of dip. I am done with it forever. No contingencies. No 'break in case of emergency' bullshit I held on to for a long time. It is gone and I am way better for it. It is shit, I turn into a con-artist (to sneak out to get in a dip), it does nothing for me (just takes away the withdrawl), and it makes me feel like shit about myself.
Having said all of that - if you ever cave - COME BACK RIGHT AWAY. That day that you're hoping for where you'll just wake up and not want to dip anymore will not come. I only made it back here through a lot of pain and a cancer scare. This is not an endorsement of caving, ever. It's just a reality of this addiction.
I am quit for me. I can't quit for anyone else. That bums me out Bronc - but I totally get it. I'm quitting today regardless.