Its been a while since I wrote in here, but there has been a whole lot of shit going on. Lets see...
On Halloween, my 2nd son was born. healthy, fat, and happy.
On November 1st, one of my closest comrades on this journey gave in to his addiction despite my best efforts to try and keep him here.
On November 19th, I hit 300 days quit.
Now, on the eve of Christmas eve, I sit at 334 days. almost exactly 1 month until the 1 year of anniversary of me saying "enough, time to take back my life." time for some reflections...
on bondage(no homo)
As I reflect back on the past 11 months, I see that while some chains will never be broken (freedom isnt free), those bonds no longer restrain me or force me to choose between life and death, addiction or family, food or poison. Those bonds serve as a constant reminder that the price of freedom is vigilance, accountability, and integrity. Many others share those same bonds, and thanks to KTC and the awesome community here we are able to wear those bonds like a badge of honor. While we may not overcome our addiction, we can beat it back everyday. We control today.
On Hooties cave:
I had just got home from the hospital with the family, still basking in the glow that comes with becoming a parent (I dont think that feeling would ever get old) and holding your child when Hootie caved. Hootie had sent some flowers for my wife, and I shot him a text to tell him thanks. His response felt "off", so I hopped on the site to see if he had posted. He had not, and I sent out a text I never thought I would have to send, and received the response I thought I would never have to read.
The weird part about it was the way it affected me. It did not even scratch my quit. It pissed me off, it hurt a little bit, and it made me sad, but it was that moment when I realized how strong my quit is. I own this. I make the decision. I am 100% responsible for my quit, and I will be damned if anything or anyone is going to get between me and it. I worked too hard for it.
I had the scariest moment of being a parent today. I was playing with my 2 year old, and had picked him up. He leaned back suddenly (like he has done a million times before), but this time I didnt have enough leverage, or a good enough grip, or whatever and he flopped straight out of my arms and fell 2-3 feet onto his back and head. In the stunned eternity that really lasted a couple of seconds before he made a sound or moved, a million terrible thoughts went through my mind - is he dead? is he brain damaged? paralyzed? worse? once he started crying and moving, a sense of relief came over me, but this was definitely more than the normal kiss it and make it better fall. He was drowsy, screaming, dazed - essentially, all the things the Browns somehow missed when evaluating Colt. we took him to the ER, and thankfully all seems ok. In and out in under 2 hours, no CT/Xray. It wasnt until he took his nap that it hit me - despite everything, not once did a dip seem like a good idea.
Things like this make me thankful that I found this community. I will forever be eternally grateful.
For you quitters who have recently decided to take back your life - it will get better. On day one, 10, or even 50 it may seem impossible that it will ever get better, or that forever (hell, even tomorrow) is a pipe dream. The beauty of it is you dont have to worry about that. Quit today, this minute. focus on that. worry about later later. I promise you, once you have broken those bonds and experienced the freedom I have experienced this last couple of months you will look back and wonder how you ever lived like a slave for so long.
