The past few days, ive read alot on this site, about quitting, pain, suffering, cancer.. about pride, triumph, joy.. .. .the struggle with the nic bitch.
well its just after midnight, im about to go nuts... and ive gotta do something anything to kill the thoughts in my head.
I guess to get to where Im goin free of the nic bitch, i gotta figure out where im startin at, and to do that guess i gotta see how i got here and where ive been.
For starters i was born and raised, still live in a small town nestled in the blue ridge mtns of north carolina. I would dare say more locals used tobacco here than didnt, we grew it, daddy chews, older brother dips, grandpa and granny both dipped dental snuff. Hell most of the drinking glasses in the house were and still are old snuff glasses. Not trying to make excuses here, just painting the picture that tobacco was an acceptable way of life.
I guess i took my first dip of snuff when i was in 6th grade, brother gave me a dip of copenhagen, puked my guts out in the front yard and asked for another, if him and his buddies could do it I could I thought. Tried again and same result, I guess this should have showed me something, I never learned!
After the front yard adventure I never really touched the stuff again til my freshman year of high school, me and all my buddies got hooked.... KODIAK, goin bear huntin is what we called it. Well we caught that bear or it caught us, all of us have been bitten, at least a little with either cavities, acid reflux from not spitting, high blood pressure, luckily it hasnt killed any of us yet. Some of us have already managed to escape its grasp, some like me are fighting that fight now and some are still in denial about being held.
Now for 17 years I have been in the grasp of this beast. Always lying to my self or my loved ones.... Im gonna quit tomorrow, Or mom, I promise I will quit. or I am trying, she would say try harder. Which i honestly did try several times, never because I was an addict, and I needed help, but because it was expensive, or to get mom, my dentist or a girlfriend to stop badgering me.
Now a little over a year ago, I met my wife, for her birthday all she wanted was me to promise I would quit dipping. I said I would. I kept that promise for several months.... I dont know if it was the chemicals released from love or what that enabled me to be that stong for that little bit. But it was a promise i thought i would keep. Then one day I told myself I can have just one pinch, and bummed off of a coworker, so the addicition begins again. I am now a raging idiot, hiding snuff in my car, tool box at work , sneaking out at night to dip, driving the long way home, avoiding taking my stepchildren to town when i go so i could cheat on all of them with my beloved snuff. Til one day I am careless and my wife finds and empty in the car, which i tell her I am sorry I slipped, I wont do it again, my lies she believes and she is satisifed, all i did was become more resolved to hide my nasty addiciton, or habit better.
That was 6 months ago.....the lies, cheating with a weed, the money stole from my family for my addicition, eating at me...
Thats who I was, a cheating liar, thief, addict .....
For the past three days ive been a raving nut, unable to focus, feeling miserable craving the snuff I threw away, but also in those 3 days ive been the man i promised my wife, my mother, my stepdaughters, and myself i would be, and its making what ever pain im going through worth it..... still the addict, probably will forever be, but that doesnt mean i have to give in
who i want to be.... well i want to be the good son, husband, father... friend, i want to do it all without a dip in my mouth, i want to be free of being chained to a can, i want to help others here......I know its a long road one day at a time, one craving at a time, one commitment at a time.... but i wanna look in the mirror and be a man of my word.
