What the hell happened?
I caved. I caved twice. I lost any claim to honor or integrity I had in regards to nicotine. Initially I came to this site spur of the moment – I had quit on a whim. But because of KTC with that whim I made it a full 47 days! Although that is a mere shadow of some of your guys’ quits, and a tenth of what I could be at if I had never caved, it was a number I never thought I would reach prior to my first quit.
Nevertheless I did cave and I came back almost immediately looking for redemption. I grabbed my balls and tried to continue again, yet I failed once again.
Why did it happen?
I think the root of the real issue was I didnÂ’t NEED to quit. I didnÂ’t want that more than anything. As I said above, my quit was on a whim! Everything I did in regards to my quit was on a whim! I remember how I purposefully put myself in shitty situations surrounding myself with the wrong substances and the wrong people. I wasnÂ’t taking it seriously! If I was I wouldnÂ’t have put myself in all of these different situations! I was essentially just coasting as far as I could!
Following my 47 day attempt, I lacked whatever self-awareness that I needed to see I wasnÂ’t in this for the long haul. I came back almost immediately with my tail between my legs posting an honest day one. What I failed to do in my time though was any sort of introspection. I failed to realize that the real reason I caved, was because I was half assing it in every way possible. Posting EDD was not the most important thing to me. I was scared to text/call people. I surrounded myself with other using addicts. People who smoked over a pack a day or used just as much chew. My friends were a bunch of drunkards. I allowed them to control me and my quit, because I was not dedicated to my quit 100%. I flat out refused the resources afforded to me.
What's different this time?
WhatÂ’s different this time is that I know I want and need to quit. I have sat back and contemplated my failure for over a year. I know where I screwed up and I know how IÂ’m going to stay away from that. My father was diagnosed with leukemia last week at 62, and since then IÂ’ve had a lot of time to put things into perspective. In a way his diagnosis has changed the context of things. I know that if I donÂ’t quit now, I very well may never. There will never be a time in my life that is more ready for quitting. I know that I have every resource available to me whether that be other quitters phone numbers, my family, or whatever. Beyond that I am the only nicotine user in my day to day life right now, so I personally canÂ’t ask for a better time to do it. I just need to man up and do it.
Alright tls, I've read every word of your intro. You've fucked up. Well, so has everyone else on this site at some point. You fucked up again? Oh yeah, I've done that too. Yes, you've been a bit of an arrogant prick here, no doubt. Do you know how to redeem yourself from that stigma? Shut the fuck up with the diatribes and listen to these assholes that have been where you are many times. Listen to every syllable. You fail because you conveniently set yourself up for failure. I have been in your shoes but I was too much of a SLAVE and a weak pussy to pull the trigger and realize that there is only one way to do this. Absolutely NAFAR, EDD, ODAAT, OHAAT, one fucking minute at a time if that's what it takes.
I wish I had your opportunity. Every asshole here wishes we had your opportunity to shut this fucking mindfuck of an addiction into submission - for me, 20 years ago - for others, 30, 40 years. We see ourselves in you, hence the anger - we don't like that memory of the arrogant, fucking retarded 23 year old version of ourselves.
I'll give you a chance. But I am not here for fucking failure. I am here to curbstomp this cunt.
You can PM me and I'll give my #. I don't have history with you and I understand why motherfuckers are sick of your shit. But I also know that I've been in your shitty flip-flops or new balance sneakers or whatever the fuck you are walking down the street in. If I had the chance, I would rochambeau the fuck out of myself at your age. If you want to give me your address, you could be my surrogate from the past...
You and only you can make this happen. Don't fuck it up.
I'll see you in roll.
EDD
ODAAT
NAFAR
I will very gladly exchange #s with any of you mofos. I could use the help. Strength in numbers.
Strong like oak.
