day 1. No cigarettes, no cope, no nicotine

[DeanTheCoot]

Smoking is what got me hooked, too, Kurt. I'd fucked around with both cigarettes and chewing tobacco since I was 10 or 11, because I was curious and wanted to be awesome and a trendsetter, and because setting trends that are wholesome (like Eagle Scouting or doing homework) was for crybabies and boys who could do perfect cartwheels.

Up until I was just about 16, nicotine's barbs hadn't penetrated me. But I distinctly remember making the shift. Camel Lights. Easy to inhale. Joy and intoxication ensued. Fun was had by all.

I smoked, mainly, until I was 19ish. Then dipped for several years. Then smoked again in my mid-20s. Then back to dip. And so on.

It didn't stop until March 2009. That's when I ripped the hooks out of my skin. The wounds are still there. Or, I should say, the scars.

You're at a place right now where the wounds are open and raw, Kurt. Dig me? You're going to have to pay attention to them. Take care of them. Let them heal. Once they scar over, they'll always feel weird. ALWAYS. But you won't pay them much mind. They'll only bother you if you fuck around with them and tear them open again. That's a cave. That's fucking yourself.

And that's the best way I can describe things.

[KayakKurt]

Had a fucking feast at Bob's Burgers and Brews tonight.

Split a pitcher of budlight with the girl friend. By split I mean I poured her a glass and drank the rest out of the pitcher (not really, but I was waiting for 45 mins after finishing eating for her to finish her beer).

Normally (before being quit) I would eat a burger and have no room for fries. Tonight I ate my burger (in record time) finished all my fries, ate some of the gf's fries, ate a stick of celery and an orange wedge. And of course a pitcher of beer (minus a glass for the lady).

I love being quit.

Oh ya, and when I was in the bathroom some guy had spilt his dip all around the sink. Probably some drunk guy from the bar.

Temptations and reminders are everywhere.

[Big Brother Jack]

Kurt you got yourself a good quit going. Only thing is I don't want to read about fond memories of finger banging the nic bitch. That shit was trying to kill you daily. That's not some memory of you under the bleachers with the prom queen...that's a fucking poison being sold to you while someone else makes a profit. I'm not being a dick. I just think one of the important things is get the words right in your mind. And we don't want other folks going down that path starting to romanticize it and shit.

I may sound like a lunatic. I want to assure you I am. I firmly believe that scrutinizing the words you put down here...I mean really thinking about them...can solidify a path away from being a using addict.

No, I know and I wasn't trying to romanticize the shit and I knew very well that as soon as I wrote it that a vet would come down hard on me.

I was just doing a sincere reflection. The good and the bad. Being honest.

I am quit today and tomorrow I will post roll. I'm sure you noticed too how right after I wrote that I balanced it with mentioning how I don't miss throwing up peach skoal. After that day I couldn't dip peach at all and had a hard time diping skoal for that matter. I think thats when I went to copenhagen.

It was kind of a word vomit that post. I didn't know my grandpa too well as a kid. Would just seem him every 2 or 3 summers when we would road trip to montana in my dad's dodge 3500 15 seater van. My grandpa was a great guy and I think chew had a bit to do with his death. My other grandpa who died on the same day last year died from smoking cigarettes.

They stole time from me. I can't forgive them for that. But what I can do is make sure I don't steal time from anyone else in my family that would miss me.

I appreciate you keeping me in check Souliman. I just had to write it. I won't be romanticizing the shit ever again.

I got your back bro. Just like a few thousand other bad asses around this place.

And I wont call you Gay .... Douchebag ~ :P

[KayakKurt]

And Souliman keep posting on here and responding to what I write. If nobody ever responded I'd feel like I'm talking to myself or like wtf is the point of this? So it helps!

Also I'm about to get off here, and go for a hike with the girlfriend. I'll be on later I'm sure.

[KayakKurt]

One thing I've learned my f irst few days on here.

You really have to watch what you say.

Or a vet will come down on you.

Or you will be called gay.

Either way.

Watch what you say.

[Souliman]

Kurt you got yourself a good quit going. Only thing is I don't want to read about fond memories of finger banging the nic bitch. That shit was trying to kill you daily. That's not some memory of you under the bleachers with the prom queen...that's a fucking poison being sold to you while someone else makes a profit. I'm not being a dick. I just think one of the important things is get the words right in your mind. And we don't want other folks going down that path starting to romanticize it and shit.

I may sound like a lunatic. I want to assure you I am. I firmly believe that scrutinizing the words you put down here...I mean really thinking about them...can solidify a path away from being a using addict.

No, I know and I wasn't trying to romanticize the shit and I knew very well that as soon as I wrote it that a vet would come down hard on me.

I was just doing a sincere reflection. The good and the bad. Being honest.

I am quit today and tomorrow I will post roll. I'm sure you noticed too how right after I wrote that I balanced it with mentioning how I don't miss throwing up peach skoal. After that day I couldn't dip peach at all and had a hard time diping skoal for that matter. I think thats when I went to copenhagen.

It was kind of a word vomit that post. I didn't know my grandpa too well as a kid. Would just seem him every 2 or 3 summers when we would road trip to montana in my dad's dodge 3500 15 seater van. My grandpa was a great guy and I think chew had a bit to do with his death. My other grandpa who died on the same day last year died from smoking cigarettes.

They stole time from me. I can't forgive them for that. But what I can do is make sure I don't steal time from anyone else in my family that would miss me.

I appreciate you keeping me in check Souliman. I just had to write it. I won't be romanticizing the shit ever again.

I got your back bro. Just like a few thousand other bad asses around this place.

[KayakKurt]

Kurt you got yourself a good quit going. Only thing is I don't want to read about fond memories of finger banging the nic bitch. That shit was trying to kill you daily. That's not some memory of you under the bleachers with the prom queen...that's a fucking poison being sold to you while someone else makes a profit. I'm not being a dick. I just think one of the important things is get the words right in your mind. And we don't want other folks going down that path starting to romanticize it and shit.

I may sound like a lunatic. I want to assure you I am. I firmly believe that scrutinizing the words you put down here...I mean really thinking about them...can solidify a path away from being a using addict.

No, I know and I wasn't trying to romanticize the shit and I knew very well that as soon as I wrote it that a vet would come down hard on me.

I was just doing a sincere reflection. The good and the bad. Being honest.

I am quit today and tomorrow I will post roll. I'm sure you noticed too how right after I wrote that I balanced it with mentioning how I don't miss throwing up peach skoal. After that day I couldn't dip peach at all and had a hard time diping skoal for that matter. I think thats when I went to copenhagen.

It was kind of a word vomit that post. I didn't know my grandpa too well as a kid. Would just seem him every 2 or 3 summers when we would road trip to montana in my dad's dodge 3500 15 seater van. My grandpa was a great guy and I think chew had a bit to do with his death. My other grandpa who died on the same day last year died from smoking cigarettes.

They stole time from me. I can't forgive them for that. But what I can do is make sure I don't steal time from anyone else in my family that would miss me.

I appreciate you keeping me in check Souliman. I just had to write it. I won't be romanticizing the shit ever again.

[Souliman]

Kurt you got yourself a good quit going. Only thing is I don't want to read about fond memories of finger banging the nic bitch. That shit was trying to kill you daily. That's not some memory of you under the bleachers with the prom queen...that's a fucking poison being sold to you while someone else makes a profit. I'm not being a dick. I just think one of the important things is get the words right in your mind. And we don't want other folks going down that path starting to romanticize it and shit.

I may sound like a lunatic. I want to assure you I am. I firmly believe that scrutinizing the words you put down here...I mean really thinking about them...can solidify a path away from being a using addict.

[KayakKurt]

Today is my 5th day of being quit too.

It is a culture of nicotine. I'm lucky that neither of my parents smoked or dipped but the nic bitch still got a hold of me.

I added the part about my grandpa because there were some times with dip that I really enjoyed. But it wasn't real. I could've just watched bonanza with grandpa without a dip in my lip. But that was the way it happened.

This site has been so instrumental in my quit. 5 days without nicotine. That doesn't sound like much but thats something I haven't done since high school.

Stay quit, brother!

[rgross298]

Good shit, Kurt. Liked the part about your grandfather. Mine used to do Red Man, he passed away before I was old enough to join him. Looking back, my whole family and hell, our whole American culture is a culture of nicotine. My parents smoked (mom still does, like a smokestack), my brothers dipped, grandpa plugged, I went into the USAF where they teach you to drink, cuss, and smoke.

Here I am, 20 years later, five days quit and counting. I never really even though about life without nicotine until recently -- didn't even think it was possible. You know, been doing it for so long and it's such a part of the routine.

No more. Let's roll.

[KayakKurt]

Day 5

So I've been having some reflections on my addiction.

For those of you that know me you probably know that most of my nicotine addiction has been inhaled from cancer sticks and that I didn't start dipping until relatively recently (within the last 2-3 years).

I remember when I was a kid I loved the smell of cigarettes. Now I can't fucking stand it. But to me it was like incense almost. I also loved the smell of coffee and I loved the smell of the gas station and liked to watch dad pumping gas.

I had my first cigarette when I was 15. I was in a punk band and everyone smoked. I would smoke weed with them but never smoked cigarettes would decline when they offer. They never pushed it on me. I was having a bad day with a girlfriend at the time. I won't go into too much detail. Also looking back she was the dumbest reason to have my first cigarette. She's a whore and she now has 2 kids at the age of 24 and had the first one when was like 16 or 17.

My "good" friend Ricky who was a couple years odler than me said hey man have a smoke I'm telling you it will relax you. It did. It made me feel great I won't lie. I felt energized and was like "fuck that bitch!" I'm gonna rock out.

I don't have many regrets. My only regret is smoking that first cigarette. I would love to go back in time and punch myself in the gut then.
I feel bad for lying to my parents especially to my mom about smoking. I thought I could fool her keep it a secret. I was such an idiot.

My next regret is the first dip I had. I was 19 and we were backpacking in Yosemite. I left all my cigarettes in the car. I refused to smoke in Yosemite even chewed out a guy on the trip for smoking on the trail. Well I don't think it was the first night I think it was the second night a guy had some berry flavored pouches. Must have been skoal. Everyone was dipping, and I was having a nic fit. So I said, hey let me try one of those fuckin things, how does it work what do i do.

Pretty simple shit. I didn't hate the burn. I liked the tingle. The flavor, not to crazy about. But I remember saying, I get why people like this shit. Then someone said "Be sure not to swallow the juices or you'll yack"

I didn't yack. I also didn't dip again til I was 21 and was working construction.

One of my other fond memories of dip was dipping with my now deceased grandfather. He was from Montana lived there until he was 73 and brought grandma down to california so my dad and stepmom could watch after her. He had an apartment in San Jose and I moved in with him to help him out. He was kind of crippled. Couldn't get around without his crutch.

He would NEVER buy a can of dip. But he'd always ask me if I had a can on me. I did. I'd come home from a long day of work, I'd throw my can at him. I'd grab us each a beer and he'd take a pinch and I'd take a pinch and we would watch bonanza, drink beer and dip. It was great. I love my grandpa and those were some great fucking times. I loved hearing all his old stories about being a farm kid and times he'd yell at my dad and my uncles and how he'd regret losing his temper sometimes and being too hard on the boys.

He was a one of a kind guy.

I don't miss throwing up peach skoal because it tasted so damn sweet that I'd swallow that shit. I don't miss losing 15 pounds (I'm skinny to begin with) and my foreman who also chewed telling me "You need to not chew so much, you look skinnier and you look pale"

I don't miss spending my hard earned cash on chew and on cigarettes.
I don't miss talking to Ahkmed Ali at the 711, "No up, no right, no not fucking berry skoal, I want copenhagen green, yes that one!"

I don't miss the spit bottles in my truck. I don't miss my truck smelling like cigarettes.

One thing I kind of regret that I didn't think of til this site was those stupid f ucking e-cigarettes. On this site I realized how we have to kill the nic addiction. We never kill it but we can't indulge in it. Nic gum is harmless but it keeps the nic addiction alive. You keep feeding the addiction and one day the gum won't do it and you'll have to dip.

Back to ecigarettes. Well last year at 711 I'd seen these ecigarettes. They came in light, regular, menthol. Even had a nic free ehookah kind (that tasted like shit).
I remember smoking those, and it came with 10 cartidges. Each cartidge was equivalent to a pack of smokes. I went from having 3-6 cigarettes a day, to smoking an entire ecartidge a day. So I was giving myself A LOT more nicotine. I was smoking a pack a day now. And one day I accidentally dropped my ecigarette in the toilet. It was in my flannel pocket or something.

I decided it was stupid and I'd go back to dipping I'd go back to smoking cigarettes.
So those ecigarettes were a stupid idea. It raised my nicotine addiction to another level.

day 5 nic free. I'm feeling better. Still foggy. Head still hurts. Still irritable and snapping on people. But I'm nic free. I'm not scrapping together change to go to the cancer store. I'm not bumming smokes, bumming chews. I'm going throug the SUCK but at least I'm nicotine free.

I doubt anyone will read this novellette on my nicotine addiction. Maybe someone will. This was for me, not anyone else. Just like I'm on this site, I am quit for me and nobody else.

Time for more pizza, more coffee and a mint snuff fake dip in my lip.

[KayakKurt]

I'm gonna vent real quick. My girlfriend, Tiffany IS a bitch! She always tells me not to wear camoflauge when we're gonna go out in public or that I need to shave my beard (no fucking way, it keeps my face warm, bitch).

All my jeans are dirty, so I'm wearing camo pants to papa murphys, bitch!

Won't be on for a little bit. I'll be chowing down on pizza

Dude if your girlfriend is throwing out the blowjobs wear whatever she tells you to.

Most days I do.

[Jameso]

I'm gonna vent real quick. My girlfriend, Tiffany IS a bitch! She always tells me not to wear camoflauge when we're gonna go out in public or that I need to shave my beard (no fucking way, it keeps my face warm, bitch).

All my jeans are dirty, so I'm wearing camo pants to papa murphys, bitch!

Won't be on for a little bit. I'll be chowing down on pizza

Dude if your girlfriend is throwing out the blowjobs wear whatever she tells you to.

[KayakKurt]

I'm gonna vent real quick. My girlfriend, Tiffany IS a bitch! She always tells me not to wear camoflauge when we're gonna go out in public or that I need to shave my beard (no fucking way, it keeps my face warm, bitch).

All my jeans are dirty, so I'm wearing camo pants to papa murphys, bitch!

Won't be on for a little bit. I'll be chowing down on pizza

[KayakKurt]

Seems like you care what people think to much Kurt.  Just remember, you are doing this for YOURSELF.  Fuck your uncle who thinks he a real man cause he DIPS!!! Fuck your little bitch girlfriend who doesnt like your mint snuff either.

Don't make this quit about trying to please the people around you or you will never make it.

My bitch girlfriend said to me after going down on me "Have you been eating a lot of mint lately?"

Me: "Yeah, the mint snuff, why?"

Tiff: "Your jizz tastes minty"


hahaha, that's a WIN in my book.

A few days after I quit smoking cigarettes she said my jizz tasted better too.

Sorry if that offended anybody. I hope someone swallows your nicotine free load soon.

Spearmint snuff from the oregon mint snuff company should help with that.

That is some funny shit right there......good thing you haven't been eating a bunch of asparagus.

Seriously, whenever I get down on my quit. Feel like caving. I just think about the mint jizz. I'm not doing it for the girlfriend. I'm doing it for me. Because I like getting blowjobs. So I am a selfish mother fucker. Who is quitting just to get more blowjobs.

And to stop blowing my hard earned money on a product that will one day kill me.