A few weeks back I decided to leave ktc. I was scared shitless and decided the sight "just wasn't for me". I was having a hard time feeling the brotherhood with "strangers" and when my physical health hit the wall and I started reading stories on here that scared me rather then helped me, I put ktc down and seeked medical help.
As I told Wedgie, who has been awesome for keeping me on his text list even though I left Ktc, I approached this all wrong.
I lined up to run this marathon like everyone else but when they shot the gun to start the race I started SPRINTING even though I had been warned "slow down kid". Well as everyone knows you cant sprint an entire marathon, especially this one because there really is no finish line, and I hit the wall, HARD!!!
I woke up one morning damn near paralyzed with anxiety so burning in my chest I could not move, and I did not want to move either. I did get up and went on this sight and started reading...guys 200 days quit feel like its the first week sometimes? You can get sores in your mouth after you quit? When will I get mine? Guys are caving after only a few days?  Guys 1,000 days quit still get craves? This shit scared me even more and I freaked. I knew being quit wasn't gonna be lollipops and roses but damn...this really overwhelmed me and at that point I decided to see a psychiatrist and a substance abuse councelor.
I'm not gonna lie. Talking to them one on one really helped and my psychiatrist prescribed me some meds for my anxiety which really helped. I did not cave durring this time and I did not go for any nicotene replacement stuff, I'm still quit 31 days now.
Thing is I realized that as helpful as these professionals were, they had never gone through what I was going through and that's when I found myself back here reading stuff and found it more helpful since I wasn't so scared.Â
I got busted by Wedgie of course as he saw me on here. He suggested maybe I come back but there would be no guarantee my quit group would take me back, which I totally understand.
So, as I told Wedgie I would at least come on here and apologize and speak the Gods honest truth as to why I left, and to why I came back.
I am truly sorry for bailing on my Sept quit group. It was a weak move made out of panic and fear but a move I honsetly thought best at the time. Not sure this apology will be accepted or even if it should be but it's something I wanted to get off my chest. If I would be welcomed to post roll again I would but it not I understand.Â
Regards,Â
Diesel2112 Craig M.
D,
You didn't cave and that's the important thing.
Get back into September and stay close to all of us.
Roll on Diesel.
You are not the only one who has taken that road, take a deep breath and keep walking in our footsteps, we've been there.and we know the way out.I also had to take anti-anxiety drugs after I quit. I had a panic attack that landed me in the hospital. I thought I was having a heart attack. Nicotine addiction has had a stranglehold on your body and mind. You CAN unravel it, it'll just take some time. The key to the castle of quit is simply " one day at a time" It's like the old poem where the girl eats a whale. You can't do it all at once, but you CAN do it one bite at a time.
I wasn't a special case. The same thing happened to Chewie with the panic attacks, and I can name 20 quitters off the top of my head that used anti-anxiety meds. (NOT CHANTIX. Stay away from that shit. ).
Your in the right place. I don't know you, but I know what your feeling. I know the head games your playing with yourself, I even know the ones your going to play. We all do, we've been there. Some quitters choose to fail, many don't. Some have craves some don't. You will have good days and bad. Over time there are many more good days than bad. I am almost 1300 days quit and will tell you the following truths;
I rarely if ever crave a dip. If I do the craving is purely mental, there is no physical componet to it anymore. It's no more bothersome than a mosquito bite.
I am an addict. A nicotine junkie, no different than a recovering crack head. I can never have just one. I can never use nicotine in any form. If I do I will instantly re-ignite all the power that my addiction had over me. I will be back at my old use levels within weeks. Google "
The law of Addiction"
The day I forget I'm an addict , my quit will be in danger. Guys fail because they forget. A long term quitter once said " I come here every day to remind myself I am an addict" Thats a hard pill to swallow but its true. Your an addict.
This site is a tool box, and your an apprentice builder. If you learn how to use the tools, you'll craft a magnificent tower of quit. If you fail to learn how to use the tools? or simply refuse or ignore them? Then your quit will be a Jenga tower ready to collapse on the slightest whim. Its up to you to read, reach out, research, go to chat, post roll. Invest in your quit.
Lastly, you only fail if you choose it. There is no magic bullet and day 100 or day 1,000. It simply becomes easier as time progresses. I dipped for 23 years. I know that 1300 days of quit isn't going to undue a lifetime of addiction, but I sure feel a hell of alot better today than I did on day three or day thirty-three. You can't imagine how much better it gets. I can't remember why I thought it was so hard. I often think how stupid I was that I didn't do it sooner.
Go all in. Were right beside you. Not because we are are brotherhood of strangers on some weird group love site, but because we understand what your feeling and we share a mutual hatred of what this drug has done to all of us. I would gladly help my worst enemy unhook himself from this shit. I hate the drug and the death dealers at UST for what they took from me. If I can help you free yourself from paying them to commit suicide on the installment plan, well then I'm in. I think we all share this sentiment to varying degrees. Thats how I view it anyhow.
Welcome back, now get your ass to roll call
sM
