Diesel's Intro Page

[Diesel2112]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks.  Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks.  I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck.  I didn't even know that was possible.  Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew???  FUCK!!!  Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety.  He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War???  WHAT THE FUCK.  I Couldn't believe what I was hearing.   But he said that  it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year.  A DARK place filled with panic, fear  and fucked up thoughts.  A place I NEVER want to go back to again.  He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all.  It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can. 

But I didn't.  I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now. 

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead.  How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now.  Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time. 

Stay quit, you guys.

You're a fucking stud. Thanks for sharing this stuff.

I had bee hesitant to share this as I don't want to scare anyone and a tad embarasing to honest. But I figure if it helps one person, it would be worth it.

I deal with panic all the time lately. Any time I make the mistake of thinking towards the future. Past today is too much for me. Your a bad assed dude and I am glad you put this out there. It helps me to know that it can be normal! We fucked ourselves for decades! Of course we are gonna be traumatized. It doesn't mean we are broken. It means we are fixing ourselves! ODAAT! One anxiety stricken event at a time. It all adds up to a win! I definitely quit with you today!

Sucks sometimes. I finally get passed looking ahead and I get ass rammed looking back. Really bummed me out for awhile, like I couldn't fucking win.

But...with some time, reflection, perspective and logical thinking you can get back on track.

If an idiot like me can do it. Any crouton can.

[jake frawley]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks.  Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks.  I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck.  I didn't even know that was possible.  Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew???  FUCK!!!  Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety.  He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War???  WHAT THE FUCK.  I Couldn't believe what I was hearing.   But he said that  it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year.  A DARK place filled with panic, fear  and fucked up thoughts.  A place I NEVER want to go back to again.  He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all.  It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can. 

But I didn't.  I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now. 

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead.  How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now.  Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time. 

Stay quit, you guys.

You're a fucking stud. Thanks for sharing this stuff.

I had bee hesitant to share this as I don't want to scare anyone and a tad embarasing to honest. But I figure if it helps one person, it would be worth it.

I deal with panic all the time lately. Any time I make the mistake of thinking towards the future. Past today is too much for me. Your a bad assed dude and I am glad you put this out there. It helps me to know that it can be normal! We fucked ourselves for decades! Of course we are gonna be traumatized. It doesn't mean we are broken. It means we are fixing ourselves! ODAAT! One anxiety stricken event at a time. It all adds up to a win! I definitely quit with you today!

[Diesel2112]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks.  Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks.  I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.  (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck.  I didn't even know that was possible.  Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew???  FUCK!!!  Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety.  He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War???  WHAT THE FUCK.  I Couldn't believe what I was hearing.  But he said that  it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year.  A DARK place filled with panic, fear  and fucked up thoughts.  A place I NEVER want to go back to again.  He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all.  It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can. 

But I didn't.  I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now. 

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead.  How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now.  Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time. 

Stay quit, you guys.

You're a fucking stud. Thanks for sharing this stuff.

I had bee hesitant to share this as I don't want to scare anyone and a tad embarasing to honest. But I figure if it helps one person, it would be worth it.

[Dougie]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks. Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks. I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck. I didn't even know that was possible. Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew??? FUCK!!! Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety. He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War??? WHAT THE FUCK. I Couldn't believe what I was hearing. But he said that it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year. A DARK place filled with panic, fear and fucked up thoughts. A place I NEVER want to go back to again. He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all. It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can.

But I didn't. I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now.

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead. How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now. Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time.

Stay quit, you guys.

Proud to be quit with brother!

[rustaf]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks. Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks. I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck. I didn't even know that was possible. Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew??? FUCK!!! Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety. He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War??? WHAT THE FUCK. I Couldn't believe what I was hearing. But he said that it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year. A DARK place filled with panic, fear and fucked up thoughts. A place I NEVER want to go back to again. He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all. It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can.

But I didn't. I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now.

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead. How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now. Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time.

Stay quit, you guys.

You're a fucking stud. Thanks for sharing this stuff.

[Diesel2112]

Had been getting my ass kicked the past few weeks. Out of nowhere...wild anxiety, near panic attacks, frightfulness...like I was back in the first few weeks. I COULD NOT figure out why as my quit had been rolling strong.

So I went to see my shrink and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. (Actually rustaf diagnosed me with it first in Anxiety and Depression part of the wild card section, guys a champ).

What the fuck. I didn't even know that was possible. Post traumatic stress disorder over a year after quitting chew??? FUCK!!! Shrink said that I struggled so much with my quit last summer and was so traumatic to my brain and body that certain triggers like warmer weather, swimming in my pool, planning vacation, having the kids home from school, going to my daughters dance recital, etc...caused instant anxiety. He said those events were such a struggle and so traumatic for me to get through last year, that on some level my brain was working like someone who had been a victim or rape, witnessed a tragic murder, or had been shot it War??? WHAT THE FUCK. I Couldn't believe what I was hearing. But he said that it was my wondering THOUGHTS that were really fucking me, as beyond the pain in the ass anxiety, I THOUGHT I was going to go back to that place I was in last year. A DARK place filled with panic, fear and fucked up thoughts. A place I NEVER want to go back to again. He suggested I go back to my counselor, so I did.

Thank God.

She reminded me that the person I feared going back to really wasn't me at all. It was a fucked up one time version of me who was fighting an addiction so powerful that is literally had me thinking like a crazy person in order to get me back on the can.

But I didn't. I fought my balls off, and have stayed away from that shit for 382 days now.

That person I fear going back, wasn't me and is now dead. How I couldn't see that without the help of this lady is beyond me, but it is true.

I feel great now. Hurdle 6,765 cleared.

While this shit does get easier, be aware...their are big fucking 2 X 4's ready to smack you in the face at any time.

Stay quit, you guys.

[Diesel2112]

It fucking sucked.  I was 5 days quit and it was LOUD. 

Not LOUD, as in a blaring music loud, but loud as in I was getting hit and hitting myself with a million different things, that nobody could hear but me.

"Can I do this? will I cave? how can I do this or that without dip? what's that discomfort in my chest?  is ktc and these loony people for me? how can I drive my sales route without dip? what if I have another panic attack?  I can't be depressed, can I?  Im too manly to see a counselor, will my wife ever forgive me? will my family forgive me?  I'm leaving Ktc, fuck I need to come back to ktc, will they take me back? Oh good they took me back, fuck they took me back this is still hard, when will I feel better? when will I feel normal?  was dip THAT bad?  Could I be a social dipper?" and on and on and on..."

My brain was fucking ROCKING and ROLLING.  The volume knob to my brain was at 11, yet only I could hear all the racket, and the fucker was busted.  I couldnt turn it down.

Looking back things were loud when I was dipping too.  A ton of crap constantly running through my head, "will I get caught?  Do I have cancer?  Where can I hide my tin?  Do I have $5.25 for a tin in the morning?  What excuse will I use tonight to leave the house to get my night cap in?, did I leave flakes around the toilet, did my daughter see me slip that lipper in?, etc.."  things that once again, only I could hear. 

 

OMG!!! this is me right now!!!!!!!!!! I really hope I can make it to the last part of your post!!!! 30+ years dipping, I really want to do it this time!! but I'm am going NUTS right now!!!!!!

Like Waste said, do not HOPE my friend. You WILL do this

If a pussy like me can do it, anyone can. We will help you every step of the way. Dont worry about a year. Just today.

Welcome!!!

[powercell14]

We all are a little nuts at the beginning. It's normal.

5 days is awesome, and don't "hope" you will be here in a year. Get through today. I'll help. Tomorrow, we'll help each other as well. You are on the same path as badass diesel and the rest of us. Walk with us. You can do this.

Thanks! all the support on this site is awesome!!! Definetly got me through last night!!! Glad I stumbled on this site.......Well, actually, I'm glad I was guided to this site!!!

[wastepanel]

It fucking sucked.  I was 5 days quit and it was LOUD. 

Not LOUD, as in a blaring music loud, but loud as in I was getting hit and hitting myself with a million different things, that nobody could hear but me.

"Can I do this? will I cave? how can I do this or that without dip? what's that discomfort in my chest?  is ktc and these loony people for me? how can I drive my sales route without dip? what if I have another panic attack?  I can't be depressed, can I?  Im too manly to see a counselor, will my wife ever forgive me? will my family forgive me?  I'm leaving Ktc, fuck I need to come back to ktc, will they take me back? Oh good they took me back, fuck they took me back this is still hard, when will I feel better? when will I feel normal?  was dip THAT bad?  Could I be a social dipper?" and on and on and on..."

My brain was fucking ROCKING and ROLLING.  The volume knob to my brain was at 11, yet only I could hear all the racket, and the fucker was busted.  I couldnt turn it down.

Looking back things were loud when I was dipping too.  A ton of crap constantly running through my head, "will I get caught?  Do I have cancer?  Where can I hide my tin?  Do I have $5.25 for a tin in the morning?  What excuse will I use tonight to leave the house to get my night cap in?, did I leave flakes around the toilet, did my daughter see me slip that lipper in?, etc.."  things that once again, only I could hear. 

 

OMG!!! this is me right now!!!!!!!!!! I really hope I can make it to the last part of your post!!!! 30+ years dipping, I really want to do it this time!! but I'm am going NUTS right now!!!!!!

We all are a little nuts at the beginning. It's normal.

5 days is awesome, and don't "hope" you will be here in a year. Get through today. I'll help. Tomorrow, we'll help each other as well. You are on the same path as badass diesel and the rest of us. Walk with us. You can do this.

[powercell14]

It fucking sucked.  I was 5 days quit and it was LOUD. 

Not LOUD, as in a blaring music loud, but loud as in I was getting hit and hitting myself with a million different things, that nobody could hear but me.

"Can I do this? will I cave? how can I do this or that without dip? what's that discomfort in my chest?  is ktc and these loony people for me? how can I drive my sales route without dip? what if I have another panic attack?  I can't be depressed, can I?  Im too manly to see a counselor, will my wife ever forgive me? will my family forgive me?  I'm leaving Ktc, fuck I need to come back to ktc, will they take me back? Oh good they took me back, fuck they took me back this is still hard, when will I feel better? when will I feel normal?  was dip THAT bad?  Could I be a social dipper?" and on and on and on..."

My brain was fucking ROCKING and ROLLING.  The volume knob to my brain was at 11, yet only I could hear all the racket, and the fucker was busted.  I couldnt turn it down.

Looking back things were loud when I was dipping too.  A ton of crap constantly running through my head, "will I get caught?  Do I have cancer?  Where can I hide my tin?  Do I have $5.25 for a tin in the morning?  What excuse will I use tonight to leave the house to get my night cap in?, did I leave flakes around the toilet, did my daughter see me slip that lipper in?, etc.."  things that once again, only I could hear. 

 

OMG!!! this is me right now!!!!!!!!!! I really hope I can make it to the last part of your post!!!! 30+ years dipping, I really want to do it this time!! but I'm am going NUTS right now!!!!!!

[Evil_Won]

Congrats on over one year nic free Diesel!

You are static, you help nobody and don't buy in. I choose to tune you out. Thanks for proving my point. I muting you and rolling on.

Holy crap. That was amazing. You, sir, are a badass. (half-homo)

[Diesel2112]

Congrats on over one year nic free Diesel!

You are static, you help nobody and don't buy in. I choose to tune you out. Thanks for proving my point. I muting you and rolling on.

[Lifes2short]

Congrats on over one year nic free Diesel!

[Diesel2112]

Today was my 39th birthday. Not saying that be one of those birthday attention whores, and nobody wish me a happy b day please. I'm an adult. Not a kid.

Anyway, I remember my 38th birthday. It fucking sucked. I was 5 days quit and it was LOUD.

Not LOUD, as in a blaring music loud, but loud as in I was getting hit and hitting myself with a million different things, that nobody could hear but me.

"Can I do this? will I cave? how can I do this or that without dip? what's that discomfort in my chest? is ktc and these loony people for me? how can I drive my sales route without dip? what if I have another panic attack? I can't be depressed, can I? Im too manly to see a counselor, will my wife ever forgive me? will my family forgive me? I'm leaving Ktc, fuck I need to come back to ktc, will they take me back? Oh good they took me back, fuck they took me back this is still hard, when will I feel better? when will I feel normal? was dip THAT bad? Could I be a social dipper?" and on and on and on..."

My brain was fucking ROCKING and ROLLING. The volume knob to my brain was at 11, yet only I could hear all the racket, and the fucker was busted. I couldnt turn it down.

Looking back things were loud when I was dipping too. A ton of crap constantly running through my head, "will I get caught? Do I have cancer? Where can I hide my tin? Do I have $5.25 for a tin in the morning? What excuse will I use tonight to leave the house to get my night cap in?, did I leave flakes around the toilet, did my daughter see me slip that lipper in?, etc.." things that once again, only I could hear.

Today I was at peace.

All those questions have been answered and concerns squashed. My volume knob was at whatever the fuck I wanted it to be at, because I am in control now. Will I still get some static from time to time? Probably, but I know how to adjust the volume now.

It's actually a very liberating feeling, one I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to get back. Because I did have control over my volume button 15 years ago.

Newbies...you have enough noise going on inside your brains. Try not to let some of the bullshit that goes on from time to time on this site get to you and make it louder.

I'm here to tell you and am living proof that if you stick to the ktc program, you too will find peace.

Dont try and reinvent the wheel, don't try and tweek iit a little bit, or throw in your special little wrinkle. Stay the course. Veer off a little, we will help you back on. Go off the tracks like a freak, we may let you spiral out of control and deem you unworth the effort.

Stay the course boys and girls. The peace and control are totally worth the fight.

Stay Quit.
Diesel2112 371

[Diesel2112]

15:1

That's a ratio.  Years used, abused, addicted and dependent to years quit.  Looks bad, right?

I have never been so proud to put up that lonely little number 1 in my life as today marks 365 days quit.

Most of the days that got me to that year number 1 sucked...BAD.

However,  the way I see it,  when you take a step back.  "Most of a year" really isn't that long, when you're trying to take your life back.   Even though it sure as hell seemed like it.

The way I see it I survived the toughest part and only better days are ahead.  I'm by no means cured but getting that ratio a little more respectable is my new goal.  How do I plan to do it?  One day at a time.

The way I see it, fuck looking back at the 15.  I'm only gonna look ahead to a journey where I  get that number on the right, larger than the one on the left.  Might take some time, but I got nothing better to do..

I'm going to walk that journey the way God intended me to walk this earth.  Dip free, nic free,  and addicted to nothing other than my family, friends and loved ones.

This is the way I see it.  Anyone care to join me?

Damn straight. I will join you all the way. Just dont ever let me catch your day count. I wanna stay 210 days behind you for the rest of my life.

Got room for one more? Pretty amazing way of looking at it fellas. My ratio unfortunately wouldn't look so impressive.It would be more the rear-end in a 78' ford 1/2 ton pickup.None the less it's just a number and a number other than "1" Day at a time or +1 means jack fucking shit to me.Congrats again Diesel on the 1 year mark but 366 means just as much my friend.

One second, one minute, one hour, one day, one month, one year, one fuckig decade. Doesn't matter. You can't get to any of them without walking step by step one day at a time.

I have never more proud of a Gaze n Blue guy in my life, seriously job well done !

The Block M will be back soon, you can bet yo ass on that!!! Thanks by the way. LOL

GO BLUE!!!