Complacent quits = Bad quits
I'm not real sure how to start this off, so I'll just start typing from the cuff...
I had a pretty big setback in my quit this week. On Monday night, with work off Tuesday, I decided to pick up a fifth of Fireball Whiskey. I didn't have any limit set in stone to how much I would drink, so one chug, turned into 4, and that turned into me finishing off the fifth over the course of a late afternoon/evening/night. I stayed up until probably 3 am that night. Listening to music, looking at old pictures, and sulking over things that I either, A) could control, or B) couldn't control. Either way, getting drunk off my ass, alone in my bedroom, wasn't going to fix either of those options. I woke up the next morning, and as one of my close quit buddies put it, "wagged the dogs tail." I started drinking about 11 am, and it carried on throughout the day again. This time, a fifth of vodka over the late morning/afternoon/evening.
Tuesday was a bad day. I posted roll, but in my drunken, depressive state I went out and bought a can of poison. I was no doubt going to dip that night. I had made my mind up. I was willing to throw away 480 odd days of being quit, betray my quit brothers, and as I put it "come back better and stronger". It pains me to type those words even today. I guess luckily for me, as most drunks are, they like to text and or talk. Look for attention as sick as it may be. I sent a text out to my 10 quit friends.....no, my quit brothers and it read, "I'm fucking up guys". Luck was in my corner as one of them called me not more than 2 minutes later. I came clean to him that I had bought a can, and was romanticizing dip and nicotine. He gave me a loving, hard nosed talk and put his chips on the table with me. He made me flush my unopened can, and then proceeded to relay to the group that I had bought a can, and everyone should call me. They did just that. I took a few calls from different brothers and they reiterated what a bad choice this would be. That led to a conference call with all of us on the line. I listened, and honestly only remember chunks of that call but what I got was sheer concern, and brotherly advice. After I got off the phone, I continued to text with them. Looking back on those texts I sent, pained me. I was disrespectful to a few of them. Said things I wouldn't have said even on my worst day sober. I then proceeded to jump on chat and talk with the people who were on there. Again, and I'm sorry, I only remember fragments of that time spent on chat. What I'm most sorry about with chat, is I drew the attention away from new quitters. Quitters who were struggling in their first week, first month. For those who reached out to me that night, I know SirNope and Nolaq were on the forefront, thank you.
It's taken me 3 days to get back to feeling "normal" from my alcohol binge. Alcohol is a real bitch. It's left me unmotivated and apathetic for the 3 days. So for 3 days I've been picking up the pieces from my choices I made.
So why share this story with all of you? Some I know, some I don't. Because complacent quits will bite your ass every damn time. I learned today, one of those brothers who I talked with on the phone Wednesday, lost his 100% posting status yesterday. You can say, "Well, he should have double checked or reached out if he had doubts on his roll call." To which I respond, "Maybe, but we are our brothers keepers". Roll post is great. This site is great. But at the end of the day, if you don't have a connection on a deeper level, a bond if you will, with your quit brothers you are absolutely going to fail. I posted roll that morning, I bounced around on here that day, but even in doing those two things I was going to dip. What good are you doing posting your name on that line, if you aren't promising it and connecting to someone you sincerely care about? Someone who is going to go into battle with you.
So for myself, less than 20 days from 500 days quit, it's time to get back to the basics. It's time to connect with someone who is struggling, or someone who just quit. It's a reminder to myself also, that you're never cured from this addiction. It's always going to rear it's filthy head when you're at your lowest point or your judgment is impaired. I forgot for two days why I quit in the first place. I did something I said I'd never do again. I bought a can and donated $7 to UST. I'm so thankful and grateful, I didn't break my ultimate promise. My promise to never dip again. NAFAR.
Stay strong, reach out, make friendships, and stay quit. It's the only option we have in our lives as addicts.
