My PhuctUp Intro

[PhuctUp]

Congrats man, in the short time I have been here, you are the first real "success story" I can say I've seen. When you caved and I read about how you had to look your daughter in the eye, I was with you and misty eyed. But you got back on the horse, and kept riding. You pushed on and came back better than you were before.

Will there be some more depression / sad times? Sure. We all have them. But the better times are getting closer. Soon, you will find happiness in little dumb things, like mowing the lawn without a dip or not having to spit in a pool when swimming. Those little moments of reflection give me a lot of joy and I hope when you have those realizations they do for you as well.

P.S. Story time was fun

IQWYT

Not sure how I'm just seeing this, but I just couldn't let it sit there without me saying how much I appreciate the words. Easy to say a whole lot has changed in my life in the past 102 days. All for the better, of course. Thanks for the kind words.

[DonkeyMN]

Congrats man, in the short time I have been here, you are the first real "success story" I can say I've seen. When you caved and I read about how you had to look your daughter in the eye, I was with you and misty eyed. But you got back on the horse, and kept riding. You pushed on and came back better than you were before.

Will there be some more depression / sad times? Sure. We all have them. But the better times are getting closer. Soon, you will find happiness in little dumb things, like mowing the lawn without a dip or not having to spit in a pool when swimming. Those little moments of reflection give me a lot of joy and I hope when you have those realizations they do for you as well.

P.S. Story time was fun

IQWYT

[worktowin]

Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.

You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!

Really kind words there, Cav. I'm not sure the powers that be would allow the name change, but there's a part of me that is starting to feel a little less fucked up. That said, I think the name will always be pretty fitting. My brain can be one effed up place. Thanks again, dude.

And thanks to everybody for the texts today. Made me feel good. I said a few days ago that I'd feel accomplished at a year, but 100 is a pretty damn good accomplishment. I really appreciate all of you for helping me get here.

Congratulations. 100 is a huge accomplishment!

Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Post roll first thing every day. Keep your word. At the point that you are at, the only people that fail are the ones that stop posting roll. And they fail in droves after HOF.

Your group will probably shrink as these future cavers fall off. There is usually some drama in the groups as this happens. There is also a bright wonderfulness ahead, ODAAT, that cannot be explained. As proud as you feel right now... you've scratched the surface.

I say these things not to depress you, as all of this noise is trivial in the grand scene of where you are headed. Savor this win. There's a lot more of it in your future. ODAAT.

[PhuctUp]

Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.

You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!

Really kind words there, Cav. I'm not sure the powers that be would allow the name change, but there's a part of me that is starting to feel a little less fucked up. That said, I think the name will always be pretty fitting. My brain can be one effed up place. Thanks again, dude.

And thanks to everybody for the texts today. Made me feel good. I said a few days ago that I'd feel accomplished at a year, but 100 is a pretty damn good accomplishment. I really appreciate all of you for helping me get here.

[CavMan83]

Lee, wanted to put this in a place other than just the September thread. I think it is very fitting that you are hitting 100 days nicotine (and alcohol) free on Labor Day. Lord knows you put in some serious Labor (along with some serious soul-searching, and more than a little bit of humor -- the "today in the Saloon" spots are classic!!) to get here. In the process, you've not only rid yourself of a terrible addiction, you've also gained back your family. I think it was about a month or two ago that I suggested you change your name to 4merlyPhuctup, because you, good Sir, are most definitely, no longer PhuctUp.

You keep doing what you've been doing my brother. Even though we all know life hands us good and bad, you are well on your way to enjoying the good in ways you are just beginning to see and dealing with the bad in ways you didn't know you could using tools you didn't know you had. I am proud to be quit with you today!!

[ChickDip]

100!

'party' Great job, Phuctup!!! 'party'

'party2' 'party2' 'party2'

Congrats on your 100 days quit!

[FLLipOut]

100!

'party' Great job, Phuctup!!! 'party'

'party2' 'party2' 'party2'

[pky1520]

That's a great update Phuct! Things will only get better. It's still one day at a time, but that grief goes away. Congrats on 100 days, hope to see you around for 100 more!

[jeffw]

congrats on your upcoming 100 days of freedom...i was a ninja dipper as well and the anxiety of getting that nic fix in secret was rediculous

[PhuctUp]

Well, I guess I get to be the only person on KTC to join the hall tomorrow. I don't think I'm really ready to sit down and do a HOF speech yet (I will eventually,) but I wanted to leave a few thoughts to myself and to all of you to leave a little snapshot of me at 100 days sober and nicotine free.

I'm going to go ahead and throw the big negatives out there so I can finish this thing up with the positives. First, I know I haven't beaten the occasional bouts of depression. Depending on what you prefer, the experts say there are either 5 or 7 stages of grief. If you don't think you grieve when you quit something that was closer to you than your wife or children, you're damn wrong. You will grieve. Let me restate that. If you do this quitting shit correctly, you will grieve, because even though we do things one day at a time here, when you finally QLF, you just suddenly know that you will NEVER see that crap again. The grief you go through is exactly the same as losing a loved one. For me it has been anyway. And that has led to some times over the past 100 days that I just wanted to turn reclusive and wallow in my own self-pity.

But I'll say this. I'm at the end of those now. I'm at the fifth or seventh stage. The acceptance stage. I even think addicts probably have an extra stage that I just haven't achieved yet. I believe this because I believe the vets of this site. There is a clear difference between accepting something and being truly happy about it. I haven't achieved the happiness yet, though this one day at a time mularkey sure makes me feel like I'm closer than I was 100 days ago.

It leads to the other negative for me, and that is the trivial but constant thought of "What now?" I love my job, but I'm not addicted to it. I love my family, but I'm not addicted to them. If I don't see them for a couple of days, I wouldn't have anxiety levels through the fucking roof because I just need my family fix. I guess I just don't know what to do now. I don't have a replacement and I have no real passion or motivation to seek it. I guess for the most part I'm just treading water and existing without a ton of purpose. I feel the same way in AA. I have a sponsor and I go to two or three meetings a week, but I have no real motivation or desire to get started on the steps yet. I don't know why. I guess it's just all of the above.^^^^

The good, though? Holy hell, there is good. My stress levels from not having to hide dip and beer all over the house are almost nil. My wife and I haven't had a real fight in 100 days. Seriously. Barely a squabble, and most of those we've laughed about within 5 minutes. I get glimpses of hope and an ever-so-quickly fleeting moment or two where I actually remember what it was like to have some dreams, for me AND my family. I went to the dentist and had NO cavities. I had a biopsy of a small patch of leukoplakia and three months later, the spot is GONE. My relationship with my parents is better. My relationship with my sister and brother-in-law is better. I've gained ten pounds and don't really give a flying fuck. Sugar will kill me eventually, too, but at least i have my teeth and jaws to eat it. I guess I can admit that I'm a little addicted to sugar, but oh well. So is fruit!!!!

All in all, I'll take it. Life ain't cotton candy and gumballs for anybody. We all have some shit to deal with. Even though addiction is a disease, I'm still responsible for causing some of my shit. All I know is that I'm a better man now than I was 100 days ago. And I truly and sincerely thank you brave and badass quitters for helping me out along the way. I owe this place my life, my marriage, my job, and my family. If you're just lurking around and thinking about quitting, that last sentence is a pretty powerful testament to why right NOW is the best time to quit. Thanks guys. And Happy HOF Day to ME!!

[worktowin]

Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.

So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.

Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.

I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.

More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.

But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.

On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.

And reading through the list, there is not one item in your day of calamities that would have been made better by nicotine. Keep up the phenomenally good work, Phuctup!

Dude you are the real deal.

The beginning of this journey just sucks. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place. Rage. Sadness. Depression. Exhaustion. All over the place. It gets so much better. You are doing this the right way. It seems like it won't get better when you are living it. Well, it does. Keep it up, you Bad Ass winner.

[FLLipOut]

Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.

So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.

Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.

I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.

More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.

But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.

On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.

And reading through the list, there is not one item in your day of calamities that would have been made better by nicotine. Keep up the phenomenally good work, Phuctup!

[PhuctUp]

Well, this was quite possibly my worst day of my 31 quit so far, and guess what I wanted to do when I got home? I wanted to get on this damn website. No dip thoughts, no beer thoughts. I wanted to sit down with a bag on MM's and talk to a bunch of addicts. That is a HUGE win for me.

So just a quick recap of my day. I had to go to the DMV to literally just change my freaking address because they wouldn't let me do that online with a commercial license. TWO HOURS after I walked in that place, the incompetence sitting in front of me said, "Sorry for the delays." I wanted to grab the chair I was sitting in and beat him while screaming at the entire General Assembly of NC to stop hiring the laziest fuckups in the state to work the DMV. And hire more than 2 to serve an endless revolving door of further incompetent citizens. And please don't be serious about taking away health care for state workers. Can you imagine the people working the DMV if they take away insurance. Oh my fuck.

Anyway, I made my daughter cry because I had a little rant after my DMV experience about how I'm sick and freaking tired of having to BEG her to do ANYTHING around the house. It caused everybody to act like they hated each other for the rest of the day. I love that child, but preteen girls are a struggle. It's HER fault I yelled and yet I'M the one who feels bad for having to get stern for the millionth time to hopefully get my point across. Her fault but I feel guilty. That's not fair to me.

I was looking for something in this desk armoire we have and accidentally knocked a 3-hole punch onto my bare toes. Hurt like a bitch. Hurt all damn day.

More tension tonight about playing Scattergories again tonight (which I was starting to love because I am loving family time all of a sudden,) because my bad day actually started last night when we got into a family argument because my wife refused to accept that one of her answers wasn't acceptable but she was free to tell my daughter that her answers weren't acceptable. Hypocrite. It was tense. Tonight my daughter wanted to try it again. I said I think we need a day off from Scattergories. A fucking board game brought tension to my family. Not dip or beer. A board game.

But here's the worst part. My dad and I spent all morning taking down my $600 Goaliath basketball goal from my old house and moving it to my new house. Concrete and brackets were in the ground, got the pole up and it was PERFECTLY level. I was damn proud of that because I was absolutely meticulous with the brackets. I won't try to explain how it happened, but the backboard for that thing is over a hundred pounds, so we had it in the bucket of the tractor and lifted it up to attach to the pole. One slight slip. One slight jolt of the tractor while I was on the second to top step of the tractor. I was trying to tell him to tilt the front of the bucket down because I needed the backboard to quit leaning backwards. He accidentally made the back of the bucket go down. I lost hold. A $300 backboard crashed onto the arms of the bucket. Ruined. Glass everywhere. Not fun.

On a good note, I got my 30 day chip in AA tonight and I looked forward to ending my day with something other than dip or beer. So I guess it was a good bad day.

[PhuctUp]

I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.

"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."

I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.

It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.

But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.

I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.

The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."

If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.

Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.

Wow.

Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.

There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.

Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.

Good on ya...

Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.

Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!

Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.

The story of a man finding himself! Very well said my friend, if you don't love yourself it's hard to truly love others. It's truly amazing how ktc has helped me change so many different things in my life because I was taught I can do anything one day at a time! Ktc is God sent, I honestly believe that. Damn proud to be quitting with you today

Dude lovin the quit.

Staying quit daily is a journey. Everyday I take a step away from who I was and a step closer to who I am becoming.

I really appreciate the kind words, guys. It's surprisingly MUCH easier to pile up all those +1's when you finally allow a bunch of addicts and drunks to help you up off the floor and carry you for a while. I really appreciate all you guys have done for me and our September group. You guys are great!!!!

[Candoit]

I wrote the following quote 19 days ago tomorrow, but not exactly as it's written below. It came from an AA book called As Bill Sees It. The difference in how it's written this time is that I've changed everything about drinking and AA and replaced it with dipping and KTC.

"It has often been said of KTC that we are interested only in attacking nicotine addiction. That is not true. We have to get over dipping in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the nicotine addict's personality by firsthand contact knows that no true addict ever stops dipping permanently without undergoing a profound personality change."

I know it's only been 19 days. Trust me, I know. Please nobody attack me for sounding any amounts of profound after JUST 19 days. But think about that statement. It works for alcohol AND nicotine. Put both addictions together, like in my case, and it is ABSOLUTELY true. I would almost guarantee that each and every one of your personalities changed the further you moved away from dip. I wondered aloud on here when I caved why I liked that saying so much, and I think I have a little clearer answer as to why now. Yes, after ONLY 19 days I have a pretty definitive reason why I was drawn to that saying.

It's because I truly didn't believe it could ever happen to me. I did not think I was capable of a personality change so profound that I could stay away from my many addictions. Now I know it can change that profoundly. I know I can change the parts of me that I truly despise and, in turn, alter my own personality. I can already feel it happening. I'm not about to say something stupid like "I'm cured" after 19 days. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to presume that I have suddenly won the trust of everybody on this site. Hell no. I know I haven't. That's stupid. I probably won't say either of those things a year from now either.

But I see it in my attitude every morning when I wake up. I see it in the way I smile at absolutely nothing. I see it in the little ways a man who was wholly selfish for 20 plus years is finding himself astonished by the thoughts that are starting to be about my wife, my kids, my coworkers, new KTC friends, even random people on the road I used to flip off because they were making me late for a dip and a beer. It's just little stuff. But I now know it's possible.

I don't have to guess at what's different. I absolutely know what's different this time. I completely and wholeheartedly gave up trying to beat addiction alone. I just quit. I gave up. It was just not for me to try to do alone anymore. I gave my addiction to you guys. I gave it to a couple of different groups of AA. I allowed you all to help me. It was absolutely terrifying and yet it was the best decision I've made in my entire life, and that includes my wife and kids. I literally quit pride and ego before I ever quit dip and alcohol. And for that, I'm exceedingly proud. I actually respect myself for the first time in my adult life. I have half-assed a number of stoppages in my life, from dip and/or alcohol, but I went all in this time. A good Christian would say they gave themselves to the Lord. Well, I'm not a very good Christian (yet, maybe), but I gave myself to KTC and AA. I gave my life to a bunch of strangers and asked you to help me save it. And that decision is more important than the decision to marry my wife. And I'd tell her the same thing. I love her with all my heart, but only a bunch of strangers just like me can save my life.

The people caving all around me has actually been really good for me. I haven't enjoyed it necessarily, but I sat around here for 84 days sympathizing with the cavers, even privately consoling them. I was doing that because I knew in my heart I wasn't done. I wasn't mad enough yet. Mostly, though, I simply wasn't ready to admit I needed help. All the people around me caving, they aren't there yet. They are too proud to ask for help. I truly believe that anybody who has dipped for ANY amount of time knows they should quit. I'd venture to guess that they even want to. But very few of them have the ability to drop every ounce of ego, kneel at the alter of KTC, AA, NA, SA, whatever, and just say, "I need all of you or I will kill myself."

If you're new and you think you can do it alone, I wish you luck. Come read this and many, many brilliant quitters that came before me when you fail. If you are new and think you can post roll and have absolutely NO relationship with people on this site that TRULY care about you and they don't even freaking know you? Good luck. You'll do the same thing I did 19 days ago and a few others recently did. You won't be close enough to call these people your friends. And if you are ANY kind of person, you will NOT let your friends down. You have to get involved. You have to make friends. You have to give your addiction to somebody else and say, "I need some help with this? Would you mind?" And when you do that, you don't get just one or two people to help you, you literally get hundreds. I've become so involved here that people are probably going to grow sick of me, but I TRULY DO NOT CARE. Y'all are saving my life. I am actually very thankful that I caved 19 days ago. It made me give up and give all my addictions to you guys and those wonderful rooms of AA.

Yeah, all the things I've just said might sound kinda big and robust for 19 days, but you're talking about a man that battled three kinds of addiction with a nice depression syrup on top. I haven't believed in myself in a LONG time. And I mean REALLY believed in myself. I believe in me because a lot of you guys have shown me HOW to believe in me. I actually like the man that looks back at me in the mirror, even naked with the extra ten pounds of chocolate. So this is just a great big thanks for that. I might not be the best Christian, but I thank God for this place of refuge and hope every single day. I've never seen a single one of your faces, but I just love you all.

Wow.

Outstanding stuff, bro. Just... outstanding.

There really does come that moment when you own what you're doing. For some it's right at the beginning. For others... well... it's later or never.

Push on through, man. Freedom gets waaaaay better and it's so damn cool.

Good on ya...

Anything I would say to try and add to what AJ just said wouldn't be worth your time to read it.

Absolutely LOVE the way you came back and owned this quit.... It's nice to sit back and watch you work your magic in September '17!

Real proud of you, PU! The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.

The story of a man finding himself! Very well said my friend, if you don't love yourself it's hard to truly love others. It's truly amazing how ktc has helped me change so many different things in my life because I was taught I can do anything one day at a time! Ktc is God sent, I honestly believe that. Damn proud to be quitting with you today

Dude lovin the quit.

Staying quit daily is a journey. Everyday I take a step away from who I was and a step closer to who I am becoming.