My PhuctUp Intro

[Spit cup]

In 2 weeks I'll be quit 1 year. I never ever thought that I could go 1 year without dip. I couldn't look or focus that far ahead. Sometimes I couldn't even focus on a whole day. I quit for an hour at a time. But hours became days.
I had a lot of anger. My wife wanted to go to counseling, I told her she could go. I'd work on our marriage, but just us, not some stranger. And I was working on our marriage by quitting dip. And not lying anymore, cause I lied about dipping.
I'm at a good place slowly laughter, colors, fun, joy all crept back in.
I'll pray for you because that's what my wife did for me when I was on the bottom.
I think I pm'd my number to you.

[PhuctUp]

Hey bud,

I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.

So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.

I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!

Thanks guys. I'll take quitter shrinks over real shrinks all damn day. It's one reason I continue to refuse when my wife mentions going to see a counselor. None of them are former addicts!!!! At least none that I've heard of around me. Even still, the next thing I contest is that any addict that has fought it for any length of time should know every damn thing a "real" shrink can possibly say anyway. So why waste the money hearing shit you already know!!!! That's why I'd rather bring my shit to you guys.

I was coming home from work today before reading what you guys wrote, and I just started crying. I just want the demons to go away. I just want my life, my wife, my kids, hell, even the two dogs that live here that I don't really like to bring me joy. I know it's just time. I believe you're both right about that. But these fucking demons put all this shit that ruled my life on pedestals and somehow my brain just glorifies it until it drives me fucking mad.

I just wouldn't wish addiction on anybody. And anybody that says addiction isn't a mental illness is out of their fucking minds. It absolutely is. And I hate it. Can't wait for that day you guys are talking about. Until then, Welbutrin is no match for an addicts mind.

But I will win this time. This shit will not beat me. I won't fucking let it.

[CavMan83]

Hey bud,

I'm no shrink, so please take what I have to say as brother-to-brother, not as any sort of prescriptive advice. First, it took me nearly three full months to feel anything close to what I would classify as "normal". I'm a generally upbeat person, but there were some very long, very gray days that first summer of 2014. Then one afternoon, standing on my back deck, all of a sudden I realized just how colorful the flowers were, how deep green the lawn, how crystal blue the skies. That was a turning point.... the days that followed weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but that afternoon began sort of a transformation.... slowly the gray days where I was just foggily muddling through gave way to more and more moments of clarity and true thanksgiving that I finally was beginning to control something that had controlled me for nearly four decades.

So, yeah, I think time has an awful lot to do with it. I also think you need to be intentional about seeking out those things that gave you (and still give you) joy, peace, and contentment. For me, I feel best when I am involved in helping others who need it. I truly believe if you focus on helping others, you wind up feeling much better about yourself. That old saying about it being better to give than receive truly does have some merit.

I think you have my numbers. If you ever need to use them, please don't hesitate. You have much better days ahead....you'll get there!

[Spit cup]

I was here early on in my quit. I didn't reach out, like you are doing I kept it to myself. But I didn't see joy in my life, kids, job, home life. My wife is chronically ill, so I couldn't tell her.

I don't know what changed for me. Maybe time? Maybe getting the nic out of my system? Maybe making mental lists of things I'm grateful for. Maybe getting a new job. It wasn't quick and I can't say for sure when it turned around. But I made a decision to be happy and somewhere along the line I became happy.

[PhuctUp]

I was going to put this in the depression/anxiety forum, but figured it made more sense in my intro. A little backstory before I get to the problem/question. I'm nearing 40 and have struggled with depression and feelings of failure my whole life. That's the best way I've ever known how to explain it. Quitting all my vices has added a little better description. Now please note that to the outside world, I'm blessed, lucky, happy, insert positive description of me here. They would all work because that's how the outside world sees me. The demons lie only in my head.

But here's the deal with quitting. I can't find joy in it. I can laugh my ass off at my kids and immediately thereafter the joy is gone. I can have sex with my wife, and aside from the joy of looking forward to it and the act itself, the joy is just so short-lived. I can accomplish something around the house, and there is very little pride in having done it. It just seems as though I just can't maintain or even manufacture long stretches of pure, unbridled joy, and it beats me down pretty badly.

Now I know somebody is going to come back and say that the joy of little quit victories is enough to sustain joy in life. To that I say we are clearly all different because depression is a different animal, I think. I'm on Welbutrin, but I'm terrible at taking it consistently. I think it mellowed me in the beginning, but there was still no joy.

I had this crazy night where all of us were in the car together, me, my wife, daughter, and baby, and one of those random car conversations turned into this goofy five minutes of driving down the road honking at everybody and everything for no real reason at all, and it was pure joy for all of us. The joy just didn't last. It never lasts. It never lasts long enough to give me some kind of motivation to find a new hobby, take on a project for more than about 30 minutes, or to keep the question out of my mind that I've battled my whole life in "What the hell is the point of us even being here?" which is a troubling question to ask if you really, really think about the implications of it swimming in your noggin for most of your life.

So where's my joy in this? I don't want to go back to all my fucking vices because my depression is actually worse while on them, so when does the joy come? For years my wife wondered why they weren't enough for me; why didn't my family give me the happiness that dip and beer and gambling gave me? I never could give her an answer. I can't answer her now when she asks how I'm doing and the only thing I know is that I am depressed and have a lot of trouble finding joy in life.

So is it just time? Will time away from killing myself actually teach me how to find joy and live life? I started out so positive and upbeat, and I still have those moments. I have a lot of them actually. They just don't last. I'm not bipolar. It's not THAT bad. It's just sustaining enough joy to learn how to love life. I just can't do it. Anybody who can comment with any insight or experience in this would be greatly appreciated.

[PhuctUp]

You're doing great and appear to be having all of the right emotions during your recovery. Forever is simply a place we never know if we will get to. I struggled with the idea of quitting forever. It doesn't seem right until a few more of those happy days turn into a lot more of those happy days turns into realization that you don't need that shit anymore. It polluted our lives and was killing our future. You're establishing a new life for yourself that is full of pride and self worth. You're giving your family what they need and deserve. Everything becomes more clear as you strengthen your quit. It takes time, a lot of time and daily input and focus on our quit. It looks like you're doing great. You have my digits and I post support for you each day. I'm here if you need anything.
Edit: be sure to get involved with your June quit brothers. You have a great group and some of the best support I've seen in there!

I was putting digits in my phone this morning. Yours was the first one I got!! And I have noticed your support of me every day. Greatly appreciated, sir.

[scottludwig]

You're doing great and appear to be having all of the right emotions during your recovery. Forever is simply a place we never know if we will get to. I struggled with the idea of quitting forever. It doesn't seem right until a few more of those happy days turn into a lot more of those happy days turns into realization that you don't need that shit anymore. It polluted our lives and was killing our future. You're establishing a new life for yourself that is full of pride and self worth. You're giving your family what they need and deserve. Everything becomes more clear as you strengthen your quit. It takes time, a lot of time and daily input and focus on our quit. It looks like you're doing great. You have my digits and I post support for you each day. I'm here if you need anything.
Edit: be sure to get involved with your June quit brothers. You have a great group and some of the best support I've seen in there!

[PhuctUp]

Yeah, so after the past couple of days on here, where I have just sat back and watched because, you know, HOLY SHIT did y'all give it to a couple of cavers. They have to feel like child molesters that got fucked by an entire prison in every orifice they have (and even some the other prisoners manufactured,) all without lube in a desert prison, so you know it was super dry. Continuing a joke I saw on the June page, perhaps a bag of dry desert dicks. Anyway, just wow.

All that to say, this place is awesome!!!! For y'all to take somebody else's cave so personally shows how much you all care about this shit. I can honestly say that I feel better about quitting now than I did a couple of days ago. I'm a hell of a lot more secure in it. I'm actually a little excited about it finally. There's a part of me that really feels sorry for those guys, but it's been great for my quit. Heck, I hope it's been great for all us newbs. That said, I'm an active reader but I'll probably never be an active poster (not until I've gained some quit wisdom,) so I've noticed one thing in all of this. I don't have enough digits yet. I think I have two on PM. Haven't even put them in my phone yet. I know I have to do that. I don't want to be out somewhere or even at home alone when my wife calls and says, "Guess what? You have the next two hours without me or the kids because...." I think I would initially "go there" in my head. I'm still new. I'd naturally go there. I'm sure you all did, too. The ninja inside me would try to set himself free. I feel better after this knowing there's no way in hell I'm letting him escape, but I might need somebody to talk to. I've sort of always been of the opinion that guys don't just talk casually on the phone, but I think this is a little more than casual conversation. If it's needed, it's more of a "I need help saving my life right now" kind of call.

So if a few (more) of you don't mind, send me your number. I need to add some contacts in my phone. Thanks.

I wanted to bump this up because I only got one person to PM me. Y'all either already don't like me or the request got buried. So I decided to bump it anyway.

On another note, something occurred to me this morning. I woke up happy. It wasn't one of those fabricated happys of the past nine days where I'm simply just proud of myself for resisting the previous day but still wondering how in the hell I'm going to do this the rest of my life. I mean, I know it's ODAAT, but when you're this new, the "forever' part is what rapes your brain, right? I know it did for me. Hell, the "forever" part kept me from quitting for YEARS.

But today, on day 10, I actually woke up happy. The difference, I think, was the hopefulness in the happy. I'm sitting here writing this watching my oldest play with my baby. And I can't fucking quit smiling trying to push back those annoying happy tears. Thanks for letting me be a part of this place. It really is saving, and giving, me life.

[Yodal]

Alright, so my idea for another thread is kinda broad but super interesting to me right now. I wanted to do something different this time because every other time I "stopped" dipping or drinking for three days, something always brought me back because I didn't do anything different than the time before except say, "I'm quitting for good this time."

So I wrecked my brain a few days ago wondering what I could do different. And that was my answer all along. I had to do something different every single day I stayed quit. It was just this idea to really LIVE and have a blast with it by doing something crazy or different or just awesome every day.

The idea kinda came about a couple of days before I quit for good. My wife and I played Apples to Apples with my daughter. Nothing special, just a game. She always loves it when we play games with her. And she's almost 12. Those days of her wanting to play games with daddy aren't going to be around too much longer. And it made me think, for the millionth time, how much time I've wasted drinking, dipping, and gambling that I'll never get back with my only daughter. It's an immense amount of guilt. I'm sure some of you are really familiar with the guilt. And it's not just the guilt of time lost with my daughter. It's time lost and tension between my wife and I. It's a guilt that my baby boy might lose his father too soon because of the damage I've already done to my body. I'm relatively healthy, but there's still damage done. It's the guilt. The guilt is pretty damn bad.

So I set out yesterday to just do something awesome every day. Again, different, crazy, awesome, whatever. Just different enough to feel alive. I had this idea to start a thread about what everybody on here did today that was just awesome. I was looking for both entertainment and well, ideas.

Anyway, here's my first two days:

Day one: I quit. That's awesome enough.

Day two: I bought my wife flowers. And was rewarded for doing so.

Day three: I did two things. We went to Red Robin for lunch and I acted like a kid beating all the kids to the giant chalkboard they have there. I wrote on the board that I loved my wife and just basically acted like a child keeping the chalk away the kids, erasing the stuff they wrote, etc. So just acting like a kid. Then we had to go to BJ's Warehouse Club to return something and I saw a sheet of paper on the counter that was there for somebody's last day at work and it said, "We're going to miss you Cindy!!" Naturally, I grabbed the paper and a pen and wrote "You're beautiful inside and out." And then my daughter and niece wrote messages to whoever Cindy is. It made me laugh real big when we left there!!!!

So I don't know if a thread about what people did to feel alive and awesome would be interesting to anybody, but it's fueled me for three days. I'm weird, I know. Luckily, my family knows it, too. Feel free to add it to my intro or just go the other way with the knowledge that I'm weird. Won't bother me. I'm going to keep doing some crazy shit in the days to come.

As an assistant coach, I helped my son get 2 hits, score 1 run and almost make a play at 2nd base today. I'd join that thread.

This sounds like a cool idea.
But I have a pretty boring ass life!

[PhuctUp]

Yeah, so after the past couple of days on here, where I have just sat back and watched because, you know, HOLY SHIT did y'all give it to a couple of cavers. They have to feel like child molesters that got fucked by an entire prison in every orifice they have (and even some the other prisoners manufactured,) all without lube in a desert prison, so you know it was super dry. Continuing a joke I saw on the June page, perhaps a bag of dry desert dicks. Anyway, just wow.

All that to say, this place is awesome!!!! For y'all to take somebody else's cave so personally shows how much you all care about this shit. I can honestly say that I feel better about quitting now than I did a couple of days ago. I'm a hell of a lot more secure in it. I'm actually a little excited about it finally. There's a part of me that really feels sorry for those guys, but it's been great for my quit. Heck, I hope it's been great for all us newbs. That said, I'm an active reader but I'll probably never be an active poster (not until I've gained some quit wisdom,) so I've noticed one thing in all of this. I don't have enough digits yet. I think I have two on PM. Haven't even put them in my phone yet. I know I have to do that. I don't want to be out somewhere or even at home alone when my wife calls and says, "Guess what? You have the next two hours without me or the kids because...." I think I would initially "go there" in my head. I'm still new. I'd naturally go there. I'm sure you all did, too. The ninja inside me would try to set himself free. I feel better after this knowing there's no way in hell I'm letting him escape, but I might need somebody to talk to. I've sort of always been of the opinion that guys don't just talk casually on the phone, but I think this is a little more than casual conversation. If it's needed, it's more of a "I need help saving my life right now" kind of call.

So if a few (more) of you don't mind, send me your number. I need to add some contacts in my phone. Thanks.

[Spit cup]

PhuctUp,
Early on the hardest time for me to stay quit is when I knew I could get away with it, my wife would not be around for hours, my kids weren't arround, but my conscience was, I couldn't post roll and dip. My quit was so difficult, I literally quit for 24 hours at a time. I hope you stayed strong last night, it gets better. I'm hitting 1 year quit next month, it's gone pretty fast I'd say.
My wife can talk to your wife if you want. I really think ktc needs a subforum for wives!

[outd00rs]

PhuctUp,

I'm pulling for you and you can get this done!

First and foremost... You are in for a fucking fight unlike anything you have ever experienced. it's not all roses and rainbows. But, do it for the day and at the end of the day you know that you did what you set out to do.

Wake up the next day and know that you can do it again. It's as simple as that.

You're in a battle with your old self and how you used to handle things. You know and we know you can do better.

Promise yourself every day that you can do it.... post roll that you will do it..... then do it.

ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT!

At the end of the day look back and what you did..... it's not a small accomplishment.

[FLLipOut]

First, you are doing great. I know you don't feel great, but You. Are. Doing. Great. The absolute worst is behind you, but there are still tough days ahead. I like your strategy, to shake things up, to have a little fun with your quit. It works. Have fun with it. This is challenging, but it is also an exciting journey back to yourself and freedom.

Proud to be quit with you.

[PhuctUp]

Thank you guys for your words today. Haven't had time to reply to them yet, but I just made it through practice. It's just been a really, really long day. Absolutely nothing bad has happened at work or home, but I have struggled mightily. I know you all have been there and probably still go there from time to time. I thought quitting three things at once was the only way for me to do it, and I think in the end it's going to make me one strong and proud son of a bitch when I succeed, but damn it's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done by any and every stretch of my wildest dreams. I think I learned one thing today, though. One of you guys might get a phone call in the middle of the day at some point. I think I have to trust my wife when she tells me it takes a really strong man to ask for help. I needed it today probably more than I let on.

I really do appreciate you guys as much as you probably appreciated those that came before you. You've already been a blessing to me.

[scottludwig]

"Just don't do it, fucker,"

There... you said it. I'm clean ;)

There is no magic advice bro... other than the above. It's all a choice. Sometimes... not a very easy one to follow through with. However... creating a new normal is soooo worth it. Each win creates this new you. Makes you a bit stronger each time. I bet you didnt think you could do 4 days quit didja? Well... you did. You can do this too.

To paraphrase...
"Just do it, fucker" 'boob'

Absolutely true^^^ I would struggle minute by minute in the first week of my quit. You can do this as a matter of fact with your name on roll you HAVE to do this. Just honor your word.
Proud as hell to be quit with you. You got this

Think about how many times over the years you wished you were quit. You are today and there are a lot of users who are still wishing they could make it this far. Don't ever set yourself back. Each victory will make you a stronger quitter. I am a firm believer of letting people know that you're quit. Be proud of your accomplishment and raise the level of your accountability. As stated on these pages "Burn your Bridges" your fucking quit and your going to stay that way.
Try to put yourself in a different location during the practice. If you were in your car, go watch the practice, or go for a walk. Or both. Something new to keep you occupied during the trigger times.
You have my number, call or text me.