Well, I guess I get to be the only person on KTC to join the hall tomorrow. I don't think I'm really ready to sit down and do a HOF speech yet (I will eventually,) but I wanted to leave a few thoughts to myself and to all of you to leave a little snapshot of me at 100 days sober and nicotine free.
I'm going to go ahead and throw the big negatives out there so I can finish this thing up with the positives. First, I know I haven't beaten the occasional bouts of depression. Depending on what you prefer, the experts say there are either 5 or 7 stages of grief. If you don't think you grieve when you quit something that was closer to you than your wife or children, you're damn wrong. You will grieve. Let me restate that. If you do this quitting shit correctly, you will grieve, because even though we do things one day at a time here, when you finally QLF, you just suddenly know that you will NEVER see that crap again. The grief you go through is exactly the same as losing a loved one. For me it has been anyway. And that has led to some times over the past 100 days that I just wanted to turn reclusive and wallow in my own self-pity.
But I'll say this. I'm at the end of those now. I'm at the fifth or seventh stage. The acceptance stage. I even think addicts probably have an extra stage that I just haven't achieved yet. I believe this because I believe the vets of this site. There is a clear difference between accepting something and being truly happy about it. I haven't achieved the happiness yet, though this one day at a time mularkey sure makes me feel like I'm closer than I was 100 days ago.
It leads to the other negative for me, and that is the trivial but constant thought of "What now?" I love my job, but I'm not addicted to it. I love my family, but I'm not addicted to them. If I don't see them for a couple of days, I wouldn't have anxiety levels through the fucking roof because I just need my family fix. I guess I just don't know what to do now. I don't have a replacement and I have no real passion or motivation to seek it. I guess for the most part I'm just treading water and existing without a ton of purpose. I feel the same way in AA. I have a sponsor and I go to two or three meetings a week, but I have no real motivation or desire to get started on the steps yet. I don't know why. I guess it's just all of the above.^^^^
The good, though? Holy hell, there is good. My stress levels from not having to hide dip and beer all over the house are almost nil. My wife and I haven't had a real fight in 100 days. Seriously. Barely a squabble, and most of those we've laughed about within 5 minutes. I get glimpses of hope and an ever-so-quickly fleeting moment or two where I actually remember what it was like to have some dreams, for me AND my family. I went to the dentist and had NO cavities. I had a biopsy of a small patch of leukoplakia and three months later, the spot is GONE. My relationship with my parents is better. My relationship with my sister and brother-in-law is better. I've gained ten pounds and don't really give a flying fuck. Sugar will kill me eventually, too, but at least i have my teeth and jaws to eat it. I guess I can admit that I'm a little addicted to sugar, but oh well. So is fruit!!!!
All in all, I'll take it. Life ain't cotton candy and gumballs for anybody. We all have some shit to deal with. Even though addiction is a disease, I'm still responsible for causing some of my shit. All I know is that I'm a better man now than I was 100 days ago. And I truly and sincerely thank you brave and badass quitters for helping me out along the way. I owe this place my life, my marriage, my job, and my family. If you're just lurking around and thinking about quitting, that last sentence is a pretty powerful testament to why right NOW is the best time to quit. Thanks guys. And Happy HOF Day to ME!!