Day 9. . .
It's been a strange day for me. No craves, no dip, no nadda. I'm feeling strong about it, but cautious as well.
Since I was a kid I've used just about everything under the sun to not have to deal with reality, to not feel. Here I am feeling a little stuck. Feeling a little sad and sorry for myself or something. It's not an unknown feeling to me, but now I've got nothing to forget about it or distract myself with. I've been texting with some brothers here and reaching out, seeing how they are doing, rather than thinking about myself. That seems to help, but there is some sorta loneliness creeping around inside. I know this is all very touchy feely shit, but I don't care.
Tonight I'm going to work on some divorce paperwork with my soon to be ex-wife and I'm feeling kinda fucked up about that as well. I know there's gotta be some dudes in here with experience with that as well. Any wise words for me?
I have no intention to cave. It's not an option. I'm dealing with the pain of living on the big dirty ball without that shit and just hoped that airing it out might bring about a little solace.
Still in it.
Peace.
hey gorilla,
I am not sure I have the input your looking for but I do recognize some of myself in your words. No, I am not divorced but actually happily married. I am not familiar with your situation but I assume it is painful even if you totally don't want to admit it. But again, I am not familiar with your situation.
As to not wanting to feel and dealing with the sense of loneliness. That is where I find myself at times. Actually, I feel this way quite often. I find myself searching for something to help me deal with the anxiety of not adding up. It could be not adding up as a husband, a father, a coworker, a brother, a KTC quitter, a student (Masters classes), or whatever. We are going through a time of huge adjustment. Our brains are trying to wake up and re-wire. We are trying to grieve (many won't admit this) loosing a best friend. Grant it, the NIC is a piece of Crap best friend that promises everything and then takes all it promised plus everything else by the time we realize, "Oh crap!"
None the less, it is a companion that we have had to decide we were no longer letting it use us. This can cause a sense of loneliness, anger, denial, and even depression in some.
Furthermore, addiction is selfishness! When we start to separate from the addiction and our mind begins to get clear it is common for the addict to look at their life and think, "What the heck!" It can be a roller coaster of emotions.
I find myself struggling in many areas since I have quit 48days ago. The longer I am quit the more I have understood how the addiction impacted my thinking in all aspects of life but mostly my relationships. I lied to myself and others for so long that I find myself questioning my own word and not trusting myself. I thought I valued integrity and thought I was a man of integrity until I Quit. It makes sense to me but it is not something I am proud to admit.
Now I look and see integrity in the mirror because I am actually behaving with it. But that produces some shame and guilt within as well. I am trying to work through this now with a clear head that is not drug influenced. I am learning to deal with my feelings with out the drug but I often need to force myself to do it without my coping mechanism of 20yrs. This is a struggle but I have Christ in my corner and he knows these struggles. His grace amazes me! It is always enough!
I didn't realize how selfish my addiction made me. I was so blind that obvious things I see now could have smacked me in the face and I would have blamed someone around me.
Anyway, I guess what I want to really say or the advice I have for you is to EMBRACE this suck. Helping others is good but don't allow it to be your new distraction. By letting yourself suffer then you are uncovering parts of you and empowering yourself to deal with them. That strengthens your quit and guides you towards a life of peace/solace. I think many of us try to lie about being broken. We try to find some fake finite stuff to fill a void within because we don't want to admit we are broken. However, I continue to find out the more I accept I am broken the more I actually become whole as I allow God's grace to heal me.
Well, even if you don't believe in the things I do I hope you can still see how the thinking applies. Understanding our limitations empowers us. It guides to opportunities of success and growth. If we don't understand our limits then we enter some opportunities expecting to much. These situations no longer become and opportunity of growth but actually failure, dissatisfaction, and a hindrance because our perspective was messed up from the start.
Okay, I have written enough for now. Thanks for your words as they prompted these thoughts. I am going to copy this and paste it in my thread just to have for future. I hope there is something in this you find beneficial.
I quit with you today Gorilla!
