Not too late

[ninereasons]

The storm of crap I would deserve if I let you down is impossible to contemplate.

Isn't it interesting how the fear of letting down strangers will do more to help you beat down your addiction than any person in your real life?

Drink the Kool-aide people...it works.

Ouch, loot. That slap on the back hurt like hell.

[loot]

The storm of crap I would deserve if I let you down is impossible to contemplate.

Isn't it interesting how the fear of letting down strangers will do more to help you beat down your addiction than any person in your real life?

Drink the Kool-aide people...it works.

[ninereasons]

Nine, you're doing great man! Proud to be quit with you!

Second that, I look on the quit path behind me and I see this guy coming and it inspires me to keep going!

The storm of crap I would deserve if I let you down is impossible to contemplate. Keep piling it on, brothers.

[jaygib]

Nine, you're doing great man! Proud to be quit with you!

Second that, I look on the quit path behind me and I see this guy coming and it inspires me to keep going!

[grimace8777]

Nine, you're doing great man! Proud to be quit with you!

[Greg5280]

Well written !! I look to my page often, keep going it will serve you well later on.

[ninereasons]

You've been quit for some time, ninereasons - what's it been? a year? more? But you're reading back over your old stuff here. Are you trying to recover that old determination to stay quit? Those first four days have faded in your memory, the sting and confusion of the first couple of weeks of head games is forgotten. Are you having a hard time relating to your old passion to finally be rid of tobacco once and for all?

You really were unhappy when you were chewing. I plead with you to remember that. You saw your life coming to a close. Tobacco had dimmed your eyesight, scarred your esophagus, rotted your teeth, robbed you of energy, dulled your passions, diminished your dignity and it never gave you anything except an irrational desire to maintain the addiction. You're only one dip away from going back to all that.

What I'm writing here is my best shot at talking you off the ledge. I hope it will be enough. I hope you won't give yourself permission to pull the shades closed on your conscience, and that you won't stop being strong enough to help others break free: your son, your brother. It's embarrassing, isn't it, that you put all of this out in front of strangers this way? Remember - that's how much you wanted this once.

In fact, I'll just tell you now: I'm not ever going to hand this quit over to my future self. I have what I need to beat this today, and you never will. "Stopping" is something you tried in the past. You hoped you wouldn't pick it up again in the future. That's where you got it wrong. Quitting is something you can only do today.

Ninereasons - Day 16 of talking to myself.

[Greg5280]

Dip dreams are part of the healing process. The bitch knows you have a firm choke hold on her while you are awake so she is messing with you while you sleep.

They can rattle you that is for sure, I have had a few and all of them are disturbing but they are just dreams.

Keep fighting...

[ninereasons]

wait until you have the one where your teeth fall out. that will fuck up your world.

Brother, I don't need to fall asleep to have that nightmare.

[sts]

wait until you have the one where your teeth fall out. that will fuck up your world.

[ninereasons]

Dip dream

In roll call I sometimes read the comment "had dip dream". I figured I knew just what this meant, because I've often dreamt of chew. I used to dream of new flavor discoveries. Some time back, I started occasionally adding various extracts to whatever it was I was chewing - like spearmint, vanilla, orange, molasses - and it assisted me in my sick quest to persistently poison myself, that I found an entertaining way to do this. Sounds a little fluffy now that I read this admission, but anyway, that's how it was.

Last night I had a whole different kind of "dip dream". In fits of wakefulness the story began with me at work, logged into this site, blabbering away the way I have been, the way I'm doing here - yack, yack, yack - when I opened my drawer to get something and there was a can of snuff in there. Without even a second thought, I opened that up and took a big pinch. In my mouth it turned into a wad of Redman soaked in peppermint - my favorite.

Yack, yack, yack - and suddenly I realized what I was doing. I felt a rush of horror go through me, and I snapped awake ("what was that all about?"), but when I drifted away again I was back in the dream. It's blurry and I'm filling in gaps - the way you do when you try to remember a dream - but what happened next is that you all found out what I had done - something about tracing my IP to the main trunk and re-routing my servers (I've been watching 24 on Netflix). I was literally terrified. I got threatening phone calls, prayer mail and hate mail. They told my family and church what I'd done. It was in the news. I don't remember any men with pointy white hoods gathering on my lawn, but they would have fit right in - you get the idea.

Bits and pieces like that remain with me. One scene I remember vividly. A big Marine showed up on my doorstep. I'm 6'3" and 230 but he dwarfed me. I knew right away that he was from the forum, and I was shaking when he asked for Ninereasons. When I confirmed my identity, this big guy burst into a storm of obscenities, his face so red that he was in tears, shouting so loud in my face that my hair blew back, demanding how the F* could you F*n cave like that, you F*n F*.

The difference, in real life, between secretly quitting and quitting with accountability, is affecting even my dreams. I've had weird and vivid dreams about tobacco before: I dreamed once that I vomited up all the chew I'd ever swallowed, in big piles of black powder, which a crew of men in hazmat suits shoveled into trucks to package as Copenhagen. But I've never had a dream about chewing tobacco that actually gave me hope that I have the right stuff to be free of it, until now.

I'm hoping that in my next dip dream, if I must have one, I have the sense to throw the stuff away. I'm sure I'd sleep better if I did.


Ninereasons - Day 15

[ninereasons]

the good feelings come in cycles.

i think it was around day 24 or so that sucked balls.  then again around day 50ish.

I believe that. Emotions come and go. In a certain range, ups and downs are normal.

But, every time I started chewing again after giving my body a rest between beatings, it was because I told myself that it would make me feel a little better; and nicotine does have its payoff. But what it gives to you by the penny, it takes from you by the pound. After a while you forget what it feels like to feel good.

Today I have one of those days that would be frankly impossible while I'm using. I feel joy. Tomorrow will be different; and that's why it's a matter of one day at a time.

like a bad penny I'm back again!!!

I just gotta ask what nicotines payoff is. I would disagree with you on this, and venture to say that any percieved payoff is just illusion.

I'm digging your thought process as you weave your way thru the mental games, keep at it.

sM

Greg5280 has cited some very helpful facts about nicotine's deceptive "payoff". I'm sure it's not new to you though.

Nicotine is Highly Addictive

The nicotine in tobacco moves into the bloodstream and up to the users brain within 7 to 10 seconds. Once there, nicotine triggers a number of chemical reactions that create temporary feelings of pleasure for the user, but these sensations are short-lived, subsiding within minutes. As the nicotine level drops in the blood, users feel edgy and agitated -- the start of nicotine withdrawal. So, in order to relieve the discomforts, addicts feed there addictions...and then again..and again. And so it goes -- the vicious cycle of nicotine addiction. One cigarette, one dip, one chew is never enough, a fact that every addict knows all too well.

In order to quit successfully for the long term, it helps to understand the nature of nicotine addiction and what it takes to break free of it. In fact, users are often surprised to learn that they are addicted to a substance in the first place. Many of us believed that smoking, dipping, chewing was just a bad habit; something we could stop easily when we decided it was time. Sound Familiar ?

Let's take a look at how nicotine affects brain chemistry and begin the educational process that will help us battle this addiction to the ground, once and for all.

Nicotine and Adrenaline
When a person receives nicotine, the nicotine is rapidly absorbed into the blood and starts affecting the brain within 10 seconds. Nicotine is a natural herbicide, your body knows it should not be there and the result is the release of adrenaline, the "fight or flight" hormone. Physically, adrenaline increases a person's heart rate, blood pressure and restricts blood flow to the heart muscle. When this occurs, the user experiences rapid, shallow breathing and the feeling of a racing heartbeat. Adrenaline also instructs the body to dump excess glucose into the bloodstream.

Nicotine and Insulin
Nicotine also inhibits the release of insulin from the pancreas, a hormone that is responsible for removing excess sugar from a person's blood. This leaves the user in a slightly hyperglycemic condition, meaning he/she has more sugar in their blood than is normal. High blood sugar acts as an appetite suppressant, which may be why users think their habits reduce hunger.

Nicotine and Dopamine
Nicotine activates the same reward pathways in the brain that other drugs of abuse such as cocaine or amphetamines do, although to a lesser degree. Research has shown that nicotine increases the level of dopamine in the brain, a neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of pleasure and well-being. The acute effects of nicotine wear off within minutes, so people must continue dosing themselves frequently throughout the day to maintain the pleasurable effects of nicotine and to prevent withdrawal symptoms.


Recovery from nicotine addiction is a process of gradual release over time.

It doesn't happen overnight, but with perseverance, freedom from nicotine addiction is doable, and will pay you back with benefits that go well beyond what you can probably imagine. Don't offer up another day of your precious life to tobacco - stop today.

[J2b]

the good feelings come in cycles.

i think it was around day 24 or so that sucked balls.  then again around day 50ish.

I believe that. Emotions come and go. In a certain range, ups and downs are normal.

But, every time I started chewing again after giving my body a rest between beatings, it was because I told myself that it would make me feel a little better; and nicotine does have its payoff. But what it gives to you by the penny, it takes from you by the pound. After a while you forget what it feels like to feel good.

Today I have one of those days that would be frankly impossible while I'm using. I feel joy. Tomorrow will be different; and that's why it's a matter of one day at a time.

like a bad penny I'm back again!!!

I just gotta ask what nicotines payoff is. I would disagree with you on this, and venture to say that any percieved payoff is just illusion.

I'm digging your thought process as you weave your way thru the mental games, keep at it.

sM

I wish I could agree that it has literally zero payoff. But I agree completely that it's illusion.

Nicotine is like any grifter, pusher, or pimp. Everything it gives you is wrapped around a hook. It plays on your pride, your illusions of control, until it owns you.

Nic: I'll give you all the buzz I've got, for just one dip - you throw the can away.

Sucker: I give you two percent of my day and I keep 98% control?

Nic: Does that sound unfair? I can recount ... Sucker: DONE!

--- 2 weeks later

Nic: You give me one more day, and you can quit tomorrow.

Sucker: I chew one more day, and you'll promise tomorrow will come? Done!

--- 2 months later

Sucker: I feel like crap this morning, Nic.

Nic: You're not dipping enough, moron.

--- 6 months later

Sucker: I feel like I'm going to die, Nic. I need a break

Nic: Shut the fck up and suck on this, bitch.


Ninereasons - Day 14
(I apologize for the vulgarity. It was in the interest of art.)

nice. well, not really. accurate?

I think I could have made the same point without the dirty pictures.

Nah, a picture is worth a thousand words. That would make for a very long post.

[ninereasons]

the good feelings come in cycles.

i think it was around day 24 or so that sucked balls.  then again around day 50ish.

I believe that. Emotions come and go. In a certain range, ups and downs are normal.

But, every time I started chewing again after giving my body a rest between beatings, it was because I told myself that it would make me feel a little better; and nicotine does have its payoff. But what it gives to you by the penny, it takes from you by the pound. After a while you forget what it feels like to feel good.

Today I have one of those days that would be frankly impossible while I'm using. I feel joy. Tomorrow will be different; and that's why it's a matter of one day at a time.

like a bad penny I'm back again!!!

I just gotta ask what nicotines payoff is. I would disagree with you on this, and venture to say that any percieved payoff is just illusion.

I'm digging your thought process as you weave your way thru the mental games, keep at it.

sM

I wish I could agree that it has literally zero payoff. But I agree completely that it's illusion.

Nicotine is like any grifter, pusher, or pimp. Everything it gives you is wrapped around a hook. It plays on your pride, your illusions of control, until it owns you.

Nic: I'll give you all the buzz I've got, for just one dip - you throw the can away.

Sucker: I give you two percent of my day and I keep 98% control?

Nic: Does that sound unfair? I can recount ... Sucker: DONE!

--- 2 weeks later

Nic: You give me one more day, and you can quit tomorrow.

Sucker: I chew one more day, and you'll promise tomorrow will come? Done!

--- 2 months later

Sucker: I feel like crap this morning, Nic.

Nic: You're not dipping enough, moron.

--- 6 months later

Sucker: I feel like I'm going to die, Nic. I need a break

Nic: Shut the fck up and suck on this, bitch.


Ninereasons - Day 14
(I apologize for the vulgarity. It was in the interest of art.)

nice. well, not really. accurate?

I think I could have made the same point without the dirty pictures.

[J2b]

the good feelings come in cycles.

i think it was around day 24 or so that sucked balls.  then again around day 50ish.

I believe that. Emotions come and go. In a certain range, ups and downs are normal.

But, every time I started chewing again after giving my body a rest between beatings, it was because I told myself that it would make me feel a little better; and nicotine does have its payoff. But what it gives to you by the penny, it takes from you by the pound. After a while you forget what it feels like to feel good.

Today I have one of those days that would be frankly impossible while I'm using. I feel joy. Tomorrow will be different; and that's why it's a matter of one day at a time.

like a bad penny I'm back again!!!

I just gotta ask what nicotines payoff is. I would disagree with you on this, and venture to say that any percieved payoff is just illusion.

I'm digging your thought process as you weave your way thru the mental games, keep at it.

sM

I wish I could agree that it has literally zero payoff. But I agree completely that it's illusion.

Nicotine is like any grifter, pusher, or pimp. Everything it gives you is wrapped around a hook. It plays on your pride, your illusions of control, until it owns you.

Nic: I'll give you all the buzz I've got, for just one dip - you throw the can away.

Sucker: I give you two percent of my day and I keep 98% control?

Nic: Does that sound unfair? I can recount ... Sucker: DONE!

--- 2 weeks later

Nic: You give me one more day, and you can quit tomorrow.

Sucker: I chew one more day, and you'll promise tomorrow will come? Done!

--- 2 months later

Sucker: I feel like crap this morning, Nic.

Nic: You're not dipping enough, moron.

--- 6 months later

Sucker: I feel like I'm going to die, Nic. I need a break

Nic: Shut the fck up and suck on this, bitch.


Ninereasons - Day 14
(I apologize for the vulgarity. It was in the interest of art.)

nice. well, not really. accurate?