Souli to AVain, Souli to AVain...come in AVain

[Souliman]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

Thanks Per. Not really thinking clearly with the lack of sleep the past few days. That's exactly what I was saying there. Living in an emotional mindset right now. Little dangerous. Not rational.

What's fucked up is the guy is an 'addiction specialist'.

You running Souliman? Can make you tired. Particularly if you run in the morning.

P.S. Dear nic bitch, keeping us awake to get in our head will not work. We just stay on KTC more to steal more victims from your grasp.

I'm running like I stole someone's watch right now Sco. Its not working. I'm certain running today and tomorrow will end this bout. The heat will will wear me out.

Well then, join us on the endurance tread. Are we long lost brothers?

Starting to look that way...

I'll start mixing it up in that thread. Thanks man.

[Scowick65]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

Thanks Per. Not really thinking clearly with the lack of sleep the past few days. That's exactly what I was saying there. Living in an emotional mindset right now. Little dangerous. Not rational.

What's fucked up is the guy is an 'addiction specialist'.

You running Souliman? Can make you tired. Particularly if you run in the morning.

P.S. Dear nic bitch, keeping us awake to get in our head will not work. We just stay on KTC more to steal more victims from your grasp.

I'm running like I stole someone's watch right now Sco. Its not working. I'm certain running today and tomorrow will end this bout. The heat will will wear me out.

Well then, join us on the endurance tread. Are we long lost brothers?

[Souliman]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

Thanks Per. Not really thinking clearly with the lack of sleep the past few days. That's exactly what I was saying there. Living in an emotional mindset right now. Little dangerous. Not rational.

What's fucked up is the guy is an 'addiction specialist'.

You running Souliman? Can make you tired. Particularly if you run in the morning.

P.S. Dear nic bitch, keeping us awake to get in our head will not work. We just stay on KTC more to steal more victims from your grasp.

I'm running like I stole someone's watch right now Sco. Its not working. I'm certain running today and tomorrow will end this bout. The heat will will wear me out.

[Scowick65]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

Thanks Per. Not really thinking clearly with the lack of sleep the past few days. That's exactly what I was saying there. Living in an emotional mindset right now. Little dangerous. Not rational.

What's fucked up is the guy is an 'addiction specialist'.

You running Souliman? Can make you tired. Particularly if you run in the morning.

P.S. Dear nic bitch, keeping us awake to get in our head will not work. We just stay on KTC more to steal more victims from your grasp.

[Souliman]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

Thanks Per. Not really thinking clearly with the lack of sleep the past few days. That's exactly what I was saying there. Living in an emotional mindset right now. Little dangerous. Not rational.

What's fucked up is the guy is an 'addiction specialist'.

[per034]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

Whoever wrote that is a fucking douchebag who clearly never quit anything he was addicted to.



Soul- why would posting two days in a row make you an attention whore? This space is your house. Post here every hour if you want. We can choose not to enter. .

[Souliman]

234

Just some notes on some stuff I'm reading. I'm not an attention whore I'm just real into staying quit the past few days. Can't sleep again. Three nights in a row. Sleep deprivation leads to bad thoughts and lends towards being in emotional mind and that's where I have made bad decisions in the past.

"The addict is double-minded because he cannot really and truly desire recovery until he already has it. "

Its from some fuckstick I'm reading.

This guy's an idiot. That's fucking ridiculous. He's clearly never experienced addiction.

[Souliman]

233

Cereal. Job. Car. Bad day yesterday. I haven't craved like that since I quit. Hearing there's no paycheck puts you into a hyper-something state. I don't know. All I know is that feeling of all my nerves on end reminds of the next step being I put in a lipper. Didn't happen. I spent all day on the site reading. Really calmed me down.

From Prada88 intro. I didn't want to lose this if she's a fly-by.

Prada I've been trying communicate to new quitters what the mental fight is. What you are fighting and who you are fighting. Its difficult to do. To me it sounds like you're not on the right page with your planning, and substitutes and whatnot. I put a shit load of time into my quit because it is my priority. I have cultivated it. I own it. One day my quit will be able to talk to God - that's the voodoo magic strength my quit's gonna have. =for my benefit...my goal

This is how I picture the fight...

Picture yourself in the room with your co-workers. Everyone of them has a dip in and there are nasty spitters all around. Just standing all around you throughout the room. Another person you don't know is present. You can't really make out who it is at first but that person becomes more visible as the co-workers fade away. The more and more visible this person is the less visible your co-workers until finally the person is completely visible and your co-workers and the room are gone.

When you look at this person, you see that it looks like you. Its a bigger you...stronger...with an expression of pleasureful contempt on her face. She has a giant dip in and spit is dripping down her chin. Her skin is blotchy and her hair a mess. Her fists are clenched. She looks like she would take pleasure in doing you harm. And she definitely intends to harm you.

When you finally realize who she is, she's standing right in front of you. She's Prada Devil or "Pradevil". Nose to nose. Not more than an inch away. You can smell the dip on her breath. If you blink, she's going to rip your throat out and scream when she does. Only one of you can live. This is the fight.

You are already fighting this fight. This Pradevil has been kicking your ass for years. Now, you have to engage in that fight. If you can kick her ass and you are the one left standing, that's quit. Its got nothing to do with substitutes or what day of the week you quit or where you quit or WHEN you quit. That enemy will always be there. Its there now.

[Souliman]

This is an absolute coincidence that Dante posted what he did this morning.

I can imagine that in the event of a nuclear apocalypse Dante has a blue folder with red lettering titled "SURVIVE" that he opens and begins executing clear and tangible objectives that allow him and his quit to witness the end of time. The man has a Plan of Defense for sure.

I have been here not long but long enough to welcome a few quitters and get to see them proceed through the very stages of withdrawal that we all have either grown to cherish or deplore. When they cave, I get pissed. No one's perfect...sure. When I read their excuse for allowing their spines to turn to wet panties it usually comes down to a lack or bad execution of a Plan of Defense.

did you get on the site?
did you post roll today?
did you get on the site and read?
did you get on the site and hit the chat room?
did you PM a quit brother or sister?
did you PM anyone?
did you text a brother or sister?
did you call a brother or sister?
did you stuff anything else in your mouth besides cancer candy?
did you reach out to anyone?

If you don't follow this plan or a similar plan en route to your cave, I think you have a deeper problem. You do not want to quit. These are part of the tools of this site. And executing any one of them isn't asking much at all. If you are not willing to do whatever it takes to save your life, you have a deeper problem indeed. So the next time you are sensing your "hour of need" and before you run down to the ole cancer supply hut to grab a can of poison, have this list in hand. Did you do whatever you could to save your life?

Fuck on-line etiquette. Fuck cell phone etiquette. I'm certain that if you are in need and contact a brother or sister through the site, they would rise to the occasion. If you got someone's digits, they gave it to you expecting your call. Wanting your call only to help a brother or sister out while strengthening their quit at the same time. There is no excuse not doing whatever you can to save your own life.

What does this do for you? I see two things.

First it keeps nicotine out of your body as best as 'we' can.

Second it puts you in 'rational mind'. You have a sequential list of actions. If one fails, you move on to the next until success. This is instinctual. As an addict our minds don't really exist in a causal framework. No one would put poison or something that causes cancer in their body without thinking twice but that's what I did for more than two decades and I'm refusing to believe I'm an idiot. And I can recall when I first started dipping, I had to make the 'decision' to put a lip anchor in. We've blended the whole cause and effect chain of processing in our mind so that its synchronous or inseparable. I think there was a period that I would not take a dump without cancer candy in my lip. This is not rational. Just like the drive to work didn't really happen without a lipper. Or that the end of the day could not happen without a lipper.

And it has taken me a while to slow things down and look at the smaller impulses leading from stimulus to crave. That's what the Plan of Defense is doing. Its slowing your mind down from this synchronous acausal framework to a rational causal framework where 'you' can make decisions about each impulse and really isolate the weak points in your thoughts.

Just putting down my thoughts. I'm on some exploratory adventure through the depths of my being to find 'quit nirvana', that's all. Not looking for anything else.

[Scowick65]

219

My new boilerplate. I wanted to put this in a few new quitters intro but held off.

"Are you a man of your word? I get a sense that we just push anyone through the door to post roll that day and I wonder if they know what they are getting themselves into. This is no bullshit here. You put your word down, you damn better stick to it. If you don't have the conviction or the balls or the gusto or the "true belief" that you can do it...that you have had your last dip...that you are quit...think twice about putting your word down that you are quit today. All you are doing is pissing in the pool otherwise. And the folks here treading water while they get to quit nirvana don't like a "warm patch" near them. I certainly don't. And I like some folks here and I don't want them having to swim through a warm patch either. So when someone calls you out, you better have your head straight. You better have your balls in one hand and a fist in the other because you gotta fight to be quit. Its not just typing "JoeBlowALoot +1" and rainbows and unicorns come prancing out of your pockets. Its 99% you and 1% us because in your hour of need, it will be your hand going for the keys to the car as you hurry down the quickie mart before they close. You are the one quitting. All we can do is try to help."

Greg said something that stuck with me. I'm sure its his boilerplate but this shit is bible to me.

"Try to help as many as you can but remember you cannot make someone quit."

"Protect your quit at all costs."

I'm sure there is an argument for "blind support", that anyone wanting to quit we should encourage. I offer a "fuck that" to that mentality. This is not going to work for everyone. Everyone can quit and everyone can cave. And I think that its possible to spot folks that this isn't their best method to quit (titling your intro as "FAILURE" is a sign that this may not be right for you). I look at this as protecting my quit. And yours.

Welcome to the battle.  Try to help as many as you can but remember you cannot make someone quit. 

Protect your quit at all costs.  Glad to have you with us...

Never again
Greg

I know I'm open to criticism here. Just putting down my thoughts.

I was thinking about this post while posting on a newbie intro with a lackluster desire to quit. Keep writing, I like to read your stuff.

[Souliman]

222

Its that time of the year when I start stretching out my runs. It was hot today in NE with low 90s and humidity (I know you southern guys who run think I'm a ruffled panty wearing pussy thinking that's hot...but I grew up on the Canadian border and that shit is jungle in Jamaica hot to me). Mrs. Soul took the kids to the beach for the afternoon which used to mean a massive dip binge. Today I wanted to run 17 easy. I knew from the start I was not feeling good as I put too many miles on this week.

And that's when I met the NB's cousin. Actually, I'd met the dbag before but didn't know they were related. Its that negative nancy voice I refer to as "Soulfucker"....my nemesis. It started in around mile 10.

"Just slow down a little...its hot."
"Souliman...take a break. You're tired."
"Come on man...lets go home."

That was the battle. Relentless. Pissing me off. I picture the fucker nose to nose with me saying this shit. Totally ruined my run and my afternoon. I recognized that voice. Sounded like the NB.

"You can have a small one...tiny pinch."
"It was a shitty day. You need to relax. Put in a lip anchor."
"Fuck it. Horseshoe that shit."

I now realize why fighting off the voice of the bitch has been harder than fighting off the fucker. I had an answer to the fucker. I knew what I wanted. And what happened when that fucker started in? I picked up my pace. I stretched out those strides. I literally say "FUCK YOU. I'M GOING" out loud.

It took me a while to find something to say back to the bitch. Magnum posted something somewhere this week (in Taz's or oz's intro I think) that hit me. When you're standing in line at the quickie mart and you see those slots of snuff sitting there...give it a "fuck you" out loud. He suggested doing it soft. I honestly think saying it loud enough for someone to hear you is better for your quit. Someone is going to ask and you tell them "Leave me alone. I'm talking to the cans." God damn straight you were talking to those cans.

This all came from something syndrome posted on July 5, 2011

Syndrome

It was a quote from a running guru. Its possible it was overlooked due to his thick East European accent. I'll paraphrase. I interpret it as

"Know your enemy".

I think Magnum is right in suggesting you personify it. That's what I did in creating my nemesis. I needed to be able to visualize the same thing with the nic bitch. Personify it as something I dislike and something that I knew I wasn't. Soulfucker is lame and weak and gives up under adverse conditions. Souliman is not. He's the opposite. Without personifying the nic bitch, I didn't even know who I was talking to. Being able to have a dialogue with an enemy only helps to polarize your position. You become more grounded in what you want. You see more clearly who you are by looking at something you know you're not.

This is the battle. That is the front line. You better have something to say back to that voice because its at that instant that you have to answer the questions: who are you and what do you want. You need to know the answers so find them.

[Souliman]

219

My new boilerplate. I wanted to put this in a few new quitters intro but held off.

"Are you a man of your word? I get a sense that we just push anyone through the door to post roll that day and I wonder if they know what they are getting themselves into. This is no bullshit here. You put your word down, you damn better stick to it. If you don't have the conviction or the balls or the gusto or the "true belief" that you can do it...that you have had your last dip...that you are quit...think twice about putting your word down that you are quit today. All you are doing is pissing in the pool otherwise. And the folks here treading water while they get to quit nirvana don't like a "warm patch" near them. I certainly don't. And I like some folks here and I don't want them having to swim through a warm patch either. So when someone calls you out, you better have your head straight. You better have your balls in one hand and a fist in the other because you gotta fight to be quit. Its not just typing "JoeBlowALoot +1" and rainbows and unicorns come prancing out of your pockets. Its 99% you and 1% us because in your hour of need, it will be your hand going for the keys to the car as you hurry down the quickie mart before they close. You are the one quitting. All we can do is try to help."

Greg said something that stuck with me. I'm sure its his boilerplate but this shit is bible to me.

"Try to help as many as you can but remember you cannot make someone quit."

"Protect your quit at all costs."

I'm sure there is an argument for "blind support", that anyone wanting to quit we should encourage. I offer a "fuck that" to that mentality. This is not going to work for everyone. Everyone can quit and everyone can cave. And I think that its possible to spot folks that this isn't their best method to quit (titling your intro as "FAILURE" is a sign that this may not be right for you). I look at this as protecting my quit. And yours.

Welcome to the battle.  Try to help as many as you can but remember you cannot make someone quit. 

Protect your quit at all costs.  Glad to have you with us...

Never again
Greg

I know I'm open to criticism here. Just putting down my thoughts.

[Scowick65]

213

I hate spewing into this thread sometimes. I hate being an addict. I hate having to answer the same fucking question everyday: will I use today? I'm not an idiot. I know that shit kills people...will kill me. Rips apart families. No matter how far I run its not far enough. It doesn't fade away. Its a yes or no. I am either quit or not quit. I either chose to kill myself or not. I'm so pissed I ever put myself in this position of having to answer that same fucking question everyday.

Sorry for being negative. Its usually not my way.

I'm still angry too Souliman.

I'm pissed at myself. At USTobacco. At the government. At the NRT apologists.
I'm angry at anything to do with nicotine and this damn addiction. Unfortunately I can't just forget I'm an addict and frankly, I don't want to. The minute I do, I'll be posting a day one.

This shit just grinds on me but I continue to post that +1 and go through another day. I try to be positive all of the time but some of the time it's just me pretending to be over it. I hope to one day be able to close that mythical door.

You're doing a great job here and we all appreciate your contributions. I like reading your shit...we're both crazy.

I snapped a few weeks ago as well. 'Finger' nic

[miles]

213

I hate spewing into this thread sometimes. I hate being an addict. I hate having to answer the same fucking question everyday: will I use today? I'm not an idiot. I know that shit kills people...will kill me. Rips apart families. No matter how far I run its not far enough. It doesn't fade away. Its a yes or no. I am either quit or not quit. I either chose to kill myself or not. I'm so pissed I ever put myself in this position of having to answer that same fucking question everyday.

Sorry for being negative. Its usually not my way.

I'm still angry too Souliman.

I'm pissed at myself. At USTobacco. At the government. At the NRT apologists.
I'm angry at anything to do with nicotine and this damn addiction. Unfortunately I can't just forget I'm an addict and frankly, I don't want to. The minute I do, I'll be posting a day one.

This shit just grinds on me but I continue to post that +1 and go through another day. I try to be positive all of the time but some of the time it's just me pretending to be over it. I hope to one day be able to close that mythical door.

You're doing a great job here and we all appreciate your contributions. I like reading your shit...we're both crazy.

[Souliman]

213

I hate spewing into this thread sometimes. I hate being an addict. I hate having to answer the same fucking question everyday: will I use today? I'm not an idiot. I know that shit kills people...will kill me. Rips apart families. No matter how far I run its not far enough. It doesn't fade away. Its a yes or no. I am either quit or not quit. I either chose to kill myself or not. I'm so pissed I ever put myself in this position of having to answer that same fucking question everyday.

Sorry for being negative. Its usually not my way.