Day 25 today, and I have to recount a mental conversation I had with myself this last weekend. I was thinking about the newest guys going through what everybody refers to as "the suck" for the first week or so. I can still vividly remember how bad those first few days were, and the complete lack of focus, energy, etc.
My revelation this weekend, however, was that this is not the worst part. My fear of never having to go through the suck again is not as great as that feeling I had every time I bought a can and wondered if this was the can that would do me in. It's not as bad as that feeling after a "bender" the previous night and waking up to gums and teeth that hurt like hell. It's not as bad as that pit in my stomach every time I had an inflamed tastebud or cold sore and wondering if this was the beginning of the end. It's not as bad as that feeling of ditching my wife and kids, to go on some make believe errand to indulge in poison. It's not as bad as that feeling that I can no longer control this addiction.
Fear is still a very real part of my quit. Ironically, the fear has nothing to do with the quit, and everything to do with why I am quit. Fear, slavery, addiction, will no longer control me or my actions. I have worked too damn hard the last 25 days to willingly go back to those shitty feelings and emotions, only to allow slavery to regain its footing in my life. Fuck that. I'm quit.
