Day 200 is here and it feels good. I guess it makes sense that I had a nic dream last night. I have grown to love them after the fact even when the freak me out when I'm in the middle of them. This site has been a blessing and a curse over the last 200 days. Some of the people I've grown close to turned out to disappoint me in ways that I wouldn't have thought possible and others have been a spot of pride for me on a regular basis. I have but heads with some of the established leaders here but not because we wanted different things but because we thought they should be achieved in a different way. I have serious respect for those that stay active here.
The fact is that I could not do that. The more involved I got, the more it affected me when I saw guys heading down the wrong path. I felt like I was loosing brothers as they started to drop away. After I reached day 100 I threw myself into driving the train for December '13 and it was great, (Thanks Midwest04z) but after that, it was getting harder and harder for me to be comfortable holding my brothers accountable. I believe that it was my fault. I believe that I take my promise here more seriously than a lot of others. I took it too personally when people that promised me they would post daily had excuses for missing days repeatedly. There have been several brothers here that have made me proud to know them BearHawk among the most prominent.
It is for that reason that I feel bad about not signing up for 300 days. I am still quit one day at a time with the full expectation to be the same for the rest of my life. When I started this journey by starting the book Allan Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking at the recommendation from my sister after my wife had already bought me the book, I had no intention of joining an online support group. When I finished the book and knew exactly why I had failed on all of my previous attempts to quit I knew beyond doubt that I was done with nicotine forever. I decided that I couldn't hurt to join this group my sister couldn't stop talking about. (those of you that know LionHeartedGirl should feel privileged but also know that she can use the spoken word better than most) I joined this group with a healthy respect for the mentality it takes to actually quit and for the pitfalls others have had before me so I poured myself into doing everything I could to support my brothers in quit in any way I could.
A lot happened since then. DippinDave911, bjarrett and of course who can forget the saga that was PaddyMac02, did a lot to change how I was able to connect with the people here. I knew that this site did a lot to give me focus and a place to rage a bit even when I didn't know I needed to. By the time I finished running the train, I had lost a lot of the emotional connection to the members here. That may have been my fault but it's true none the less.
The long and short of it is that I have taken what I needed and I am leaving the rest. I will always come back and post for those here that occasionally text me their promise and I will post for myself on some of those days but as for regular posting, I'm done. Thanks go to everyone that showed me support. There are several here that I will never forget. Thanks to everyone.
(sorry for the rambling. I'm watching the Olympics while I type and have likely been very repetitive very repetitive.)
