Today, I am two years quit.
I donÂ’t say that with any intention to brag on what a badass I am or how much I have this addiction thing figured out; I start with that simply to give the rest of this message some context. I never wrote a HOF speech, and IÂ’d hesitate to even label this as such because it almost implies that I think I know my shit, but IÂ’m guessing itÂ’s about as close as IÂ’ll come to ever writing one (or knowing my shit for that matter).
So, with that housekeeping out of the way, what the fuck have I learned in the last 732 days? I have learned that it is possible to quit chewing tobacco. IÂ’ve learned that it takes laser-like focus and that you have to stay focused for a hell of a lot longer than you think you need to. IÂ’ve learned that quitting gets harder, then easier, than harder, then easier, then so easy you donÂ’t think about it, then so hard it hurts, then easier, then harder, then easier.
ThereÂ’s a rhythm to quitting that is almost like a metronome ticking away on top of a piano. TickÂ… this is easy; tickÂ… holy shit IÂ’m going to kill someone; tickÂ… IÂ’ve got this figured out; tickÂ… IÂ’m sure I could have just one; tickÂ… I canÂ’t believe I almost threw away my quit; tickÂ…
For the first couple of months, the rhythm of quitting is very regular- like a pendulum. The funks are almost laughably predictable (especially to the vets), though that doesnÂ’t make them any easier to avoid or get through. You have the highest highs on one side where you almost forget youÂ’ve ever dipped, followed by a period of focused quit Zen, followed by the back end of the pendulum arc that has the most extreme stress on your quit, followed by that Zen again- rinse repeat. I see it clearly in my headÂ… the top of the arcs are the danger zones, you feel way too good or way too bad. ThatÂ’s when you are most likely to fuck up and dip. The quit Zen, when youÂ’re focused on your quit even though itÂ’s not that hard, is right at the very bottom of that arc.
As you gain a greater volume of days under your quit-belt, the super-regular tick-tick of the quit metronome starts to slow down. Like any pendulum on this good planet, friction starts to slow down the pendulum arm. The highest highs and the lowest lows just arenÂ’t quite so good or so bad. The cycle slows down and you have increasingly more time between your craves, rages, or funks. Eventually, that quit pendulum comes to rest in its natural stateÂ… hanging straight down in that beautiful zone of Zen.
In the last handful of days, IÂ’ve learned that my pendulum is still swinging and that IÂ’m not quit at rest in Zen. Walking home across campus, I noticed the grounds crew mowing the expansive lawns of my school, and I had a beautiful fleeting thought of how awesome it would be to shed the stress of my job for the (seeming) simplicity of mowing grass for a living. Funny thing is that my mind, after almost 2 years of being quit, immediately jumped to me dipping while I engaged in my new imaginary profession. Two years. T-W-O motherfucking Y-E-A-R-S.
So, to those of you that are just now quitting, way to go; this is the best decision you’ve made in a long time. What seems impossible, isn’t. You’ll have your good days and bad, but as the pendulum slows, the time between your funks will gradually increase. At the same time, you’ll feel like a million fucking dollars after 14 days. “I’ve beat this bitch,” you’ll think. I did, and you’ll be just as wrong as I was in thinking that. I’m two years in and can’t declare any kind of victory. Stay vigilant when you feel great, stay strong when you feel like shit. The beauty of the quit pendulum is that you know things will change and that you’ll eventually come to rest in that happy little zone where you don’t have to remind yourself and you don’t have to fight yourself. You’ll just be quit.
Since this is a quasi-HOF-speech, I suppose I'll end it with some gratitude. Of course, my August 11 Quitheads stand front and center at the vanguard of my quit. Each of you have helped me along the way at one time or another, and I honestly couldn't have done it without the Monks of Quit. I'd also like to thank the folks that have let me be their mentor along the way... specifically Jonbags of September 11's pirate horde and Per of October 12's madmen. You, gentlemen, have helped keep me focused during the good times and bad. I'd also like to apologize for slacking in my support of you here; I'm with you both whether I'm posting roll with you or not. Equally important to me are the good folks that were my quit-heros in the early days: 30, Scowick, Razz, Cancrusher, gmann, chewie, NOLAQ, syndrome, rebel, 9, and Souliman. You have no idea how much you've helped me become a better person, father, and husband. And that leads me to the final group to thank, my family. My wife found KTC for me, my kids helped by asking me my quit number at all the right times, and their support, along with everyone else's, has made this quit a continued exercise in success.
See you tomorrow for 733.
