Time to Grow a Spine

[nomosko]

Day 50

Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. IÂ’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. IÂ’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:

On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”

On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”

On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”

I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.

So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:

1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.

2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.

KD

I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.

[kneedragger]

Day 50

Half way to HOF and the battle rages on. I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it. Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember. It was a bit of a different experience for me. IÂ’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity. IÂ’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:

On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”

On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything. I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine. Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”

On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”

I think you get the point. Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing. The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me.

So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:

1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me. I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore. Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.

2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt. It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life. You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time. You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days. Well now you know what it threw at me. Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is. But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.

KD

[longhorn77]

Kneedragger -

I wasn't aware of your situation, I think you should link this up in June. Stay quit brother, PM me with anything you need.

[kneedragger]

I walked up Lexington Ave this morning and wasn't really thinking about where I was going. Next thing I knew, I found myself standing outside the news stand where I used to always buy a tin on the way to work. Guess I was just day dreaming and not thinking about where I was going.

Once I realized where I was, I stood on the sidewalk, staring into that gaping door and had a bit of an "oh shit" moment. But despite being no more than five feet from the door, I didn't feel the slightest pull to go inside. I'll certainly be more diligent about avoiding these places in the future, but it was great to feel that freedom. Really made my day.

[kneedragger]

In many ways, this quit has been easier than my last two. Perhaps, since IÂ’ve spent some significant time away from nicotine, the initial shock of withdrawal hasnÂ’t been as strong this time. IÂ’m not sure if thatÂ’s true, but it doesnÂ’t matter. I knew I was going to make it through the early quit. I know what the right mind set feels like. I know what it feels like to feel commitment to the group and refuse to make any excuse to break that daily promise. I know this process works, especially in the early days of the quit. But now I need to think about the long term.

I posted before that I started seeing a therapist. IÂ’m not wild about discussing that fact, but I do want to contribute to the community, so IÂ’ll share what IÂ’m learning in these sessions. Hopefully, something here will help someone maintain their quit for the long-term. Of course, this is therapy, so the observations below are just theories. They are the therapistÂ’s suggestions for what may be causing my feelings of stress, anxiety, disappointment, depression, etc. I canÂ’t say for sure that these observations are accurate, or that they will pertain to you. TheyÂ’re just working theories. Take them with a grain of salt.

For now, the working theory is that nicotine has been a coping mechanism for me for so long (since I was 12) that I have difficulty coping with 1) stress and 2) significant life decisions in the absence of nicotine. Most recent sessions have focused on these two things. So, taken one at a time:

Stress

I donÂ’t want to get into why IÂ’m stressed, but several of you know what it feels like to deal with stress during the quit. When youÂ’re used to using dip as a coping mechanism, itÂ’s very hard to find alternative relief in a way thatÂ’s so immediately and chemically satisfying. Several people on this board have suggested regular exercise, which I agree helps. However, itÂ’s not so immediate. ItÂ’s more like a long term lifestyle decision that will reduce your overall average stress levels over time. I agree that this is a good way to manage stress, just give it a little time to work.

Other suggestions from both veteran quitters and my therapist are to indulge in introspective personal relaxation time with activities like meditation and yoga. I need to attempt both of these, and I havenÂ’t done it yet. The fact is, IÂ’m not excited about it and I donÂ’t want to do it. But I need to get over that and be a little more open minded. IÂ’m working on it.

A final observation on stress is that it helps if you can avoid making any major decisions during the first few months of your quit. Unfortunately, I need to make a fairly major decision about the direction of my careerÂ…but thatÂ’s just my bad luck. If possible, I would recommend giving your quit time to strengthen a bit before putting yourself through the stress of a major decision that could jeopardize your quit. ThatÂ’s just my opinion, though. Others may have different views.

Significant Life Decisions

There are a couple points here that IÂ’ll attempt to explain:

First, is what I would call the “easy going guy” effect. The idea is that I spent much of my life hiding behind my nicotine addiction. I always thought of myself as easy going, and pretty much happy with anything. But, this isn’t true. In reality, at key decision points in my life, I had the opportunity to assert myself…to decide what I wanted from life and make decisions consistent with those needs. In many cases, these are the turning points that ultimately decide who we are. But they are also very often difficult decisions to make. In these situations, instead of asserting myself, I suppressed my feelings about what I really wanted. Or maybe I lacked the courage to assert myself and take control of my life. Then I used nicotine to cope with the disappointment of what I ultimately ended up with.

That was actually pretty tough to put into words, and IÂ’m not sure I got it quite right. It sounds a little dramatic. But when I look back at the things I truly love in life and consider how little time I actually spend enjoying them. When I think about how many decisions I made because I felt most people would consider it the right decisionÂ…not ME, but most people. I never made the effort to decide whatÂ’s right for ME.

I remember a distinct fork in the road in 2002. In the span of a few days, I got two very different offersÂ…I got offered a job as a climbing guide in North Conway, NH, and I got into Columbia Business School. I still donÂ’t know if I made the right choice.

The second point is related to the first. It’s this feeling of “is this really what I was working for?” I’m now in my mid-30s. All the ambition, fire and determination that marked my late teens and 20s has faded because now that I’ve achieved some level of success, I find the results to be disappointing. And if you’re wondering why they’re disappointing, maybe you should go back and the read the “easy going guy” paragraph. They’re disappointing because they don’t represent how I define success because I never bothered to figure out how I define success. They represent how I think others define success, or how society defines success. And I’ve been willing to live with it because I’m an “easy going guy”.

My therapist will occasionally make a comment that really sticks with me. When she was talking about this issue she said, “You’re a smart guy, and you’ll figure it out and you’ll do OK. If that’s all you want, then keep doing what you’re doing.” I think it sticks in my head because I haven't figured out what to do about it yet.

Well, I think itÂ’s clear that IÂ’m no therapist, so I donÂ’t know if IÂ’ve explained these concepts well. If nothing else, itÂ’s something to think about as you plan for the long haul nic free. I hope itÂ’s helped someone out there, b/c it wasnÂ’t easy or fun to put into words. Stay quit my friends, and PM me if you want to talk about any of this depressing shit.

[Scowick65]

Sorry, but this may be a long one.  I’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had a reliable broadband connection.  I’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit.  My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend.  They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont.  I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and I’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago.

Since my wife left Thurs and I didn’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself.  I don’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if you’re home alone, you’re behind enemy lines.  I used to have that as part of my auto signature.  Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes.  I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going.  It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts.  I didn’t even grab an ipod.  It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat dripping…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts weren’t worth thinking about.  That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable.  And I ran and ran and ran and ran…and finally, I couldn’t run anymore.  Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home.  That didn’t matter, though.  I’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out.  By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly.  I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that day…stay quit.  Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close.  Another day nic free.

Friday morning, I felt a lot better.  It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city.  I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north.  It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step.  It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle.  It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them.  I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts.  That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views.  I was ready for some mountain therapy.  And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last week…

…but luck was not on my side.  What I didn’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours.  The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice.  Arguably some of the worst ski conditions I’ve ever seen.  We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas.  It would be like trying to climb a snow cone.  So skiing was out and ice climbing was out.  It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy.  I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns.  I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them.

I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday.  I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up.  I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee.  I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station.  I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the DD counter and opened up a standalone store next door.  I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door.  I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels.  Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose…  So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ”  And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?”

But then I thought DECIDE.  It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me.  That’s all that matters.  Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make.  So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car.  DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip.  DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you.  So I did…and I walked out with my water.  I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee I’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut.

So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed.  My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed.  Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit.  She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!!  Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads.  That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy.  All I can do is re-build it a day at a time.  And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days.  Hard fuckin’ day.  I gotta count that as a win.  I have to.

The last thing I’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night.  I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got.  As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease.  I felt a little tension release from the small of my back.  It was probably the best I felt all weekend…

Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb
Lyrics by Dickey Betts

Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes,
Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on,
Need somebody help you get back home,
Need a friend to help you find your way home.

Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night,
Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight,
Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song,
Listen to it all night long.

Chorus:
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.

Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?,
Take away the loser's one last chance?,
Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while?
You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'.

So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about,
You can't go around with your lip stuck out.
Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad,
Anyway it's the best old life I ever had.

Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.

Good job writing all of your thoughts down. This helps. The essence of a quit isyour store experience. Being strong 99% of the time is not enough. It takes 100%. You were tested. You had but a few seconds to make a decision and you choose wisely. That is where a quit is broken. Well done. You will get stronger. You will put more tools in your toolbox as you go on. Make no mistake, you will find yourself in this circumstance again.

Alone in my car is one of my triggers. I cringed when I was reading this part. Well done.

Nicotine has made us all addicts and liars. She will rob from a good soul. This is why quitting is sooo important.

[kneedragger]

Sorry, but this may be a long one. IÂ’ve had a pretty eventful weekend with my quit, but itÂ’s been awhile since IÂ’ve had a reliable broadband connection. IÂ’ve had a lot of time alone this weekend, which is definitely not ideal early in a quit. My wife took my son to visit his grandparents this weekend. They left on Thurs and I got a hall pass to spend the weekend in the mountains of NH and Vermont. I used to head to northern NH almost every weekend when I lived in Boston, and IÂ’ve really missed it since moving to the urban jungle nine years ago.

Since my wife left Thurs and I didnÂ’t leave until Friday, I had Thurs night to myself. I donÂ’t remember where I first read it, but someone on this site once posted that if youÂ’re home alone, youÂ’re behind enemy lines. I used to have that as part of my auto signature. Anyway, I was anxious about sitting home by myself all night, so I stayed at work late and then came home and immediately strapped on my running shoes. I ran into Central Park, put my head down and just kept going. It was a great way to remove myself from temptation, but it was also a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I didnÂ’t even grab an ipod. It was just me and myself, alone in the dark, feet pounding, thoughts spinning, sweat drippingÂ…thinking about everything and, at the same time, thinking that my thoughts werenÂ’t worth thinking about. That my perspective is twisted, my aggravation and anger is artificial, my problems are numerous and my ability to solve them is questionable. And I ran and ran and ran and ranÂ…and finally, I couldnÂ’t run anymore. Unfortunately, I tapped out pretty far from home. That didnÂ’t matter, though. IÂ’d found an outlet for my anxiety and wore myself out. By the time I got home I was thinking a bit more clearly. I said fuck it to all the mountainous problems to which I lacked solutions and focused on the only thing I absolutely had to do that dayÂ…stay quit. Since I was so tired I could hardly stand, I hit the sack and brought the day to a close. Another day nic free.

Friday morning, I felt a lot better. It was 70 degrees and Sunny in the city. I bagged out of work early to get a jump on the drive up north. It felt like spring, like new life, like windows down, fresh air, sun on my face, spring in my step. It was a good day and I enjoyed the time alone on the open road with the ipod on shuffle. It was just me and Buddy Guy and Dr. John and Clapton and Taj Mahal and Junior Wells and they were all nice enough to let me sing along with them. I hit the NH border and had that same feeling I used to always feel when I crossed the border from Massachusetts. That weight falling away, the mountains calling me to ski their slopes, climb their rock faces, hike their woods, share their views. I was ready for some mountain therapy. And Jay Peak had gotten three feet of snow only last weekÂ…

Â…but luck was not on my side. What I didnÂ’t know was that Thurs night, while I was running aimlessly in Central Park, Jay Peak was blanketed with heavy downpours. The snow was saturated, and the nights were cold enough to freeze the wet snow into bulletproof sheets of ice. Arguably some of the worst ski conditions IÂ’ve ever seen. We checked ice reports in hopes of swapping skis for ice axes and crampons, but the warm days had aerated the flows in most areas. It would be like trying to climb a snow cone. So skiing was out and ice climbing was out. It was clear I would be denied my mountain therapy. I made the most of it with a little winter hiking and catching up with old friends at local outfitters and taverns. I tried my best not to lament my misfortune and told the mountains I would never hold it against them.

I packed up to leave in the early afternoon on Sunday. I had my quit strategy in full effect, just like I did for the drive up. I was stocked up with snacks, gum, etc, but needed to stop to load up with my favorite nic replacement…strong, dark, black coffee. I remembered a gas station off the highway in Lincoln, NH with a Dunkin’ Donuts in the station. I pulled in and was in the station before I remembered that they’d actually closed the DD counter and opened up a standalone store next door. I decided I’d just grab another bottle of water before jumping back in the car and heading next door. I can’t really explain why I allowed myself to actually walk to the counter of a gas station right before a six hour drive…it was just stupid on so many levels. Why not just walk right up to the sleeping dragon and punch him in the nose… So I’m standing there, holding a bottle of water, staring at the rack of tins right over the cashier’s left shoulder, thinking to myself “what the FUCK am I doing here? ” And the gas station attendant looks at me and says, “Anything else…?”

But then I thought DECIDE. It was so clear; I could almost read it on the wall in front of me. ThatÂ’s all that matters. Yes it was stupid to walk into this gas station, but it still comes down to a decision, and as weak as I am, the decision is still mine to make. So stop being a pussy, but the water on the counter, pay the nice man and get the fuck back in the car. DECIDE that you can operate a motor vehicle without a lump of turd in your lip. DECIDE that your word and your quit mean something to you. So I didÂ…and I walked out with my water. I drove next door, got the biggest black coffee IÂ’ve ever seen and rewarded myself with a chocolate donut.

So I guess overall, my efforts at escapism failed. My search for mountain therapy, my attempt to make the first weekend of my quit easier, my hopes of forgetting about my problems for a while…all failed. Then I got home and my wife told me that she wants me to do couples therapy in addition to the therapist I’m already seeing to help me with my quit. She said she had “trust issues”…FUUUUUUUCK!!! Just when I think it’s safe to straighten up a bit…another shot in the nads. That’s the killer about trust…so hard to build and so easy to destroy. All I can do is re-build it a day at a time. And despite how hard this weekend was, I kept my word for three hard days. Hard fuckin’ day. I gotta count that as a win. I have to.

The last thing IÂ’ll tell you about is an unexpected moment of peace I had during my drive home last night. I really kind of cherish the moment since I was really hoping for a whole weekend of peace and this is all I got. As I got off I-91 and started down the Merritt Parkway driving into the setting sun, the shuffle on my ipod picked up an Allman Brothers tune that really put my mind at ease. I felt a little tension release from the small of my back. It was probably the best I felt all weekendÂ…

Everybody`s Got A Mountain To Climb
Lyrics by Dickey Betts

Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
This road we travel gets a little tough sometimes,
Sometimes I know you feel like you can't go on,
Need somebody help you get back home,
Need a friend to help you find your way home.

Reverend Pearly Brown say there's peace out on the water at night,
Big sun going down, Lord it's a pretty sight,
Red and blue across the water makes a wonderful song,
Listen to it all night long.

Chorus:
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.

Who'd cross the face of a little smilin' child?,
Take away the loser's one last chance?,
Who wouldn't linger down by the old river for a while?
You know the whole world loves you when you're dancin'.

So, hey let me tell you what I'm talkin' about,
You can't go around with your lip stuck out.
Life ain't all good but it sure ain't bad,
Anyway it's the best old life I ever had.

Everybody's got a mountain to climb,
Don't be discouraged when the sun don't shine,
Gotta keep on pulling, you gotta keep on tryin',
Everybody's got a mountain to climb.

[Skoal Monster]

One of my favorite threads here was a discussion on pickles vs cucumbers.

At one time you and I were cucumbers. We could come and go as we pleased and have a chew or a smoke or dip with no lasting effects or urge to go out and chew a can a minute.We were free. At some point addiction crept in, we became pickles, junkies, slaves. No different than a crack addict. Lying to ourselves and others about the depth of our addiction. Giving up relationships, health, life itself to feed our habit. Stupid pickles. 'bang head'

Now, a Cucumber can always turn into a pickle but a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber.

We are addicts , there is no more " normal" there is no more coming and going or dabbling with nicotine. You have to admit the fact that your a pickle. Until you absorb that reality, you will keep pretending you can fool with nicotine, you'll continue to fail because you refuse to believe your not still a cucumber . The fallacy of just one. The lie you tell yourself about being cured. The millions of reasons your craving little addict mind manufactures to make you believe you can still play with fire and not get hooked. Sorry Charlie, you can't go back, this shit is forever. Pickles don't turn back into cucumbers.

You need to remind yourself of this fact daily. The site does that for me and can for you as well. Posting roll is a daily reminder to look at your life from the point of view of an addict ( pickle) . Do this and you will stay quit. The second you start believeing your a cucumber ( normal) again your back at day one.

be the ball Danny or in your case ..... be the pickle knuckledragger ...er kneedragger


skoal monster,

781 days of reminding myself I'm still a stupid pickle, one day at a time.

[bnlelliott]

Read Loots post again and again! I know its rough...but sometimes we need to hear rough.

I used this introduction section for a while during some of the hardest parts of my quit...in fact, I was one of the ones who "wouldn't post in my group for a while because of the the drama"...all you have to do is go back and look at May09, or my Introduction thread (our life is an open book on here...and it SHOULD be). So instead of posting in May09 for a while...I came here and ranted everyday...didn't know that NMC was posting my roll for me....I knew guys were calling texting and emailing everyday...and I was reciprocating...I look back now and realize I was planning a cave, fortunately May09 kicked the crap out of me and would not let me do it.

Bottom line...no matter the drama...no matter the stress...no matter anything else...stay tight with your group. Stay tight with your intro page...come over here and flame up about everything in the world whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. But the big thing is stay tight with your group.

I still get up every morning, walk straight to my bathroom mirror and say OUT LOUD...nope, that decision has been made today. When we are traveling and my boys are in the same room with me they always ask when I am going to stop doing that and I tell them....the day I quit breathing.

You can do this man...become your own project...get your numbers out there and get it done...

Brian May09

[loot]

May 15, 2010 to March 17, 2011 is a span of about 10 months between your activity in this thread. That is the root of your issues, ILO.

You've proven what happens when you are left to your own devices.

Normal? You want "normal"? You can't have normal. Normal is an abstract concept to addicts like us. We'll never know normal

LOOT has wanted to be normal too. Leave the site and be done with it. Some can do it...the majority wind up in the same situation you are in. Another Day 1.

Howsabout you use this thread a little more regularly? It won't take too much time. Document your trials and tribulations. A lot of people read this and never comment. Your words and your use of this site have a profound impact on people that will never call it to your attention. Will the impact be positive or negative?

Think about it little brother.

Never again, for any reason KD.

[kneedragger]

Thanks for the support, 9reasons. It's helps more than you could know.

[ninereasons]

You've made a courageous decision to come back and get it done right. I quit with you today, and I believe that will keep us quit.

[kneedragger]

Can’t believe I’m back in here. But if one’s things clear, it’s that I’ve still got a lot to learn, so I think continuing to document this journey is important. Seems like “Dragger Gate” might finally be winding down a bit. I have to admit, it was harder than I thought it would be. So much thrashing, it was a lot to process. I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way, I became Gator’s girlfriend. I’m learning a lot about what an abusive relationship feels like.

ThereÂ’s no doubt IÂ’m glad I came back, but IÂ’m not sure IÂ’ve really gotten a grip on why yet. Bama Dan asked me this in a PM the other night, and I rattled off a lot of bullshit that I think pretty clearly shows I have yet to master true honesty. For what itÂ’s worth, I wasnÂ’t intentionally dishonest. I just wasnÂ’t digging deep enough.

I’ve thought about it a lot since responding to his PM. My answer to him has felt wrong since the moment I hit send. I told him I needed the accountability, and for some reason, the accountability works even if everyone on the site thinks I’m a piece of shit. There is some truth to that, but it would have been SOOOO easy to just join the site under a different screen name and act like a newbie looking for guidance. I would be been welcomed with open arms, gotten the “best decision of my life” speech, all the vets would have been sending me instructions on how the site works, would have been a hell of a lot easier and I still would have had the accountability.

I think the real reason I came back is that on some level, I knew I needed to strip away the bulllshit, maybe for the first time in 25 years. No more telling only part of the story, no more dealing with only part of the problem, no more half measures, no more sugar coating. Just strip it all the fuck away and hang my shit stained laundry for the world to see. This is who and what I am, and if I donÂ’t accept the full nauseating extent of it, IÂ’m just gonna keep landing back at Day 1.
So IÂ’m coming cleanÂ…and it sucks. But at least itÂ’s real. At least from here I can start to build. I can start working to gain back some modicum of trust from all the people IÂ’ve hurt along the way. Including a lot of the guys on this site. Which reminds me, hereÂ’s something else I have to come clean about, and IÂ’m pretty sure this is the last thingÂ…

I also told Bama Dan that I didn’t want to be a veteran on this site. That I eventually wanted to be a “normal” person that didn’t have to check in on a website every day. I said this despite the fact that I’ve shit on this community and then begged to come back and not a single person has turned me away. It’s clear that I’ve fucked this up in every conceivable way, and yet I’m still trying to act like I’m an elitist that will eventually be too good for this site. I can’t even explain how fucked up it was that I said this to Dan. Maybe I was just bitchy at taking such a cyberspace beating, but it was a douchebag thing to say and a real slap in the face to a guy that reached out to help me. The truth is quitter on this site should be proud of what they’ve accomplished and proud of what they do every day to help others free themselves from addiction. I’ve quit before and I’ll do it again, but I’ve never made it stick long term. And that’s the one thing it takes to be a veteran and the best reason for me to aspire to be one. Hopefully, some day I’ll stop being such a dick.

And now IÂ’m going to take a break from eating crow. IÂ’m not sure I can take anymore after the last few days. IÂ’m also going back to focusing on today. I still have half of my third and final Day 3 to get through.

[kneedragger]

Uugggghh! I may need to change my screen name. I suck at riding motorcycles. Any want a good deal on a used R6? 'bang head' 'bang head' 'bang head'

[Greg5280]

KD,
If one thing I said keeps you quit for a day then my ramblings are worth it. Keep fighting my friend, it really IS worth it.