My good cave

[Wt57]

Kill The Spider

Sir Walter Scott wrote, “what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive.”


Fellow addicts I have an observation that has struck me very strong this past week.
As an addict I was a liar, I worked hard at covering my addiction, my lies, my fears of exposure and then the lies to cover my lies. Abraham Lincoln said: "No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. "

Over 40 years ago I placed some nicotine into my system. I knew it wasn't a good thing to do but I lied to myself that it was just this one time..... And so the tangled web I began to weave!

"Worse than telling a lie is spending the rest of your life staying true to a lie." ~Robert Brault,

April 1, 2012 I came forth and confessed my life of lies. I began the process of ripping my tangled web of lies down. After living a life based on and surrounded by lies this was a dramatic change. But I knew if I didn't break free of all the lies it would be like leaving the spider alive to rebuild the web. A half truth is just another lie. I am proud to say the lie of nicotine hasn't been part of my life for 597 days.

[Tsmith17]

Thoughts on liberation from our addiction, (time frames vary for each of us) for me I had roughly;
8 days of hell,
42 days of darkness,
50 days of dawning,
followed by Enlightenment and Conversion leading to freedom
and I'm still seeking complete liberation.  At 558 days I'm not where I want to ultimately be but I am converted and have freedom by my daily choices but I'm not yet completely liberated from my addiction.  I do believe that it is obtainable, I'm not idly standing by waiting for it to happen.  I'm actively working on recovering from the bad decisions I've made in the past and replacing them with more appropriate choices.  Daily decisions with a goal in mind leads to obtaining what we want.  My daily choices and promise are still important to reaching that total liberation.  Putting 40 years behind me and living today is feeling pretty damn good.  But we can never take our eye off the goal.  '12'

Reading stuff like this helps my quit more than anything. Thanks for the motivation boss and keeping winning the fight, one day at a time. Proud to be quit with you today.

[Wt57]

Thoughts on liberation from our addiction, (time frames vary for each of us) for me I had roughly;
8 days of hell,
42 days of darkness,
50 days of dawning,
followed by Enlightenment and Conversion leading to freedom
and I'm still seeking complete liberation. At 558 days I'm not where I want to ultimately be but I am converted and have freedom by my daily choices but I'm not yet completely liberated from my addiction. I do believe that it is obtainable, I'm not idly standing by waiting for it to happen. I'm actively working on recovering from the bad decisions I've made in the past and replacing them with more appropriate choices. Daily decisions with a goal in mind leads to obtaining what we want. My daily choices and promise are still important to reaching that total liberation. Putting 40 years behind me and living today is feeling pretty damn good. But we can never take our eye off the goal. '12'

[Mike from AB]

My quit group (BoQ) is like family. We grew close as we experienced similar pain, excitement and satisfaction in abandoning our nicotine use. Just like family some of us are closer than others and occasionally there are those sibling rivalries but in the end we look out for one another. If a family member withdraws and avoids the family it becomes very difficult for the others to recognize they need help and to offer help. The same is true in our quit family. If you are hit and miss at posting roll and don't reach out and become inactive it's really easy to fall by the way and get lost. Checking in, report on how your doing, checkup on others and committing to another day only takes a few minutes. By taking these few minutes each day you will insure your success and something about showing that you care about others and yourself increases your ability to cope with daily challenges.

+1 almost a month in  I'm still amazed by the brotherhood on this site  the friends I've met going down the road of quit. More than a friend I've truly been treated like a brother.

[Diesel2112]

My quit group (BoQ) is like family.  We grew close as we experienced similar pain, excitement and satisfaction in abandoning our nicotine use.  Just like family some of us are closer than others and occasionally there are those sibling rivalries but in the end we look out for one another.  If a family member withdraws and avoids the family it becomes very difficult for the others to recognize they need help and to offer help.  The same is true in our quit family.  If you are hit and miss at posting roll and don't reach out and become inactive it's really easy to fall by the way and get lost.  Checking in, report on how your doing, checkup on others and committing to another day only takes a few minutes. By taking these few minutes each day you will insure your success and something about showing that you care about others and yourself increases your ability to cope with daily challenges.

I am an addict and I quit today with WT!

Ditto. I choose freedom over addiction.

[30isEnuff]

My quit group (BoQ) is like family. We grew close as we experienced similar pain, excitement and satisfaction in abandoning our nicotine use. Just like family some of us are closer than others and occasionally there are those sibling rivalries but in the end we look out for one another. If a family member withdraws and avoids the family it becomes very difficult for the others to recognize they need help and to offer help. The same is true in our quit family. If you are hit and miss at posting roll and don't reach out and become inactive it's really easy to fall by the way and get lost. Checking in, report on how your doing, checkup on others and committing to another day only takes a few minutes. By taking these few minutes each day you will insure your success and something about showing that you care about others and yourself increases your ability to cope with daily challenges.

I am an addict and I quit today with WT!

[Wt57]

My quit group (BoQ) is like family. We grew close as we experienced similar pain, excitement and satisfaction in abandoning our nicotine use. Just like family some of us are closer than others and occasionally there are those sibling rivalries but in the end we look out for one another. If a family member withdraws and avoids the family it becomes very difficult for the others to recognize they need help and to offer help. The same is true in our quit family. If you are hit and miss at posting roll and don't reach out and become inactive it's really easy to fall by the way and get lost. Checking in, report on how your doing, checkup on others and committing to another day only takes a few minutes. By taking these few minutes each day you will insure your success and something about showing that you care about others and yourself increases your ability to cope with daily challenges.

[Diesel2112]

Yeah. I used to hide tins under a garbage can at a local gas station in case, GOD FORBID my wife wanted to MOVE MY CAR out of the driveway, I couldn't have a tin in there, my wife was part bloodhound. NOT.

I used to be a real D Bag.

Thing of it is, it wasn't really ME. It was ADDICTED me. I'm DUMB for getting addicted, but done beating myself up over the shit I did while I was.

What the fuck is the use??? I exercised those Demons ONCE when I came clean to her about EVERYTHING, and that's all I need to do.

Looking back at the past as a reminder to keep straight is cool but wallowing in it is a waste of time and energy.

Someone pretty smart once said the following. It's a pretty good quote for ninjas and all addicts, I think...

"Learn from the past, look to the future, but live in the present."

[quittinglawyer]

As an expert ninja dipper, I am amazed at the relief I've felt not having to hide some nasty addiction.

No more fake "shits" on the weekend, just so I can throw a dip in (I'm waiting for my wife to notice the miraculous improvement in my digestion). No more "taking the long way" to the grocery store to get a solid 15-20 minutes of dipping in. No more stopping at the gas station to toss my spitter before getting home. No more checking my teeth in the rear view mirror. No more closed doors at the office. No more cans hidden in my briefcase and car. No more ninja dipping for me.

From one former ninja to another, quitting with you today.

[srans]

Today struggling with the fleeting thoughts of just one and sharing thoughts with another quitter I had a thought hit me.  I hate the suck of withdrawal and craving nicotine and am glad that I went through it and remember it.  That suck should be enough to keep me quit but if its not I have a stronger motivation; the suck of guilt I dealt with as a ninja dipper for all those decades.  I NEVER want to repeat one minute of that!  I can look my wife in the eyes everyday and know I'm not lying to her anymore.  That makes any pain of quitting 100% worth it.

From one fellow ninja to another, I completely agree. No more worrying about covering your steps. No more trying to ditch the wife. No more random errands. No more lies. Just freedom from being honest. That doesn't happen unless you are quit.

Wt - to those of us that were ninjas, this is your best post by far. I've had a rough week on numerous levels, but the accountability I have to the others on this site and the new level if integrity I have to my wife has kept my resolution in check.

Thank you for sharing.

Interesting post. I read this yesterday and decided it didn't pertain to me. I never was a ninja dipper. I was proud of my addiction and wanted the world to know 'bang head' .

After time I realized something. If I did ever slip back into slavery I would be a ninja. I would not be able to tell my wife and kids I've chose the poison over them once again. Never again for any reason. Always enjoy your posts WT...

[worktowin]

Today struggling with the fleeting thoughts of just one and sharing thoughts with another quitter I had a thought hit me.  I hate the suck of withdrawal and craving nicotine and am glad that I went through it and remember it.  That suck should be enough to keep me quit but if its not I have a stronger motivation; the suck of guilt I dealt with as a ninja dipper for all those decades.  I NEVER want to repeat one minute of that!  I can look my wife in the eyes everyday and know I'm not lying to her anymore.  That makes any pain of quitting 100% worth it.

From one fellow ninja to another, I completely agree. No more worrying about covering your steps. No more trying to ditch the wife. No more random errands. No more lies. Just freedom from being honest. That doesn't happen unless you are quit.

Wt - to those of us that were ninjas, this is your best post by far. I've had a rough week on numerous levels, but the accountability I have to the others on this site and the new level if integrity I have to my wife has kept my resolution in check.

Thank you for sharing.

[Adigg]

Today struggling with the fleeting thoughts of just one and sharing thoughts with another quitter I had a thought hit me. I hate the suck of withdrawal and craving nicotine and am glad that I went through it and remember it. That suck should be enough to keep me quit but if its not I have a stronger motivation; the suck of guilt I dealt with as a ninja dipper for all those decades. I NEVER want to repeat one minute of that! I can look my wife in the eyes everyday and know I'm not lying to her anymore. That makes any pain of quitting 100% worth it.

From one fellow ninja to another, I completely agree. No more worrying about covering your steps. No more trying to ditch the wife. No more random errands. No more lies. Just freedom from being honest. That doesn't happen unless you are quit.

[gorilla1]

Today struggling with the fleeting thoughts of just one and sharing thoughts with another quitter I had a thought hit me.  I hate the suck of withdrawal and craving nicotine and am glad that I went through it and remember it.  That suck should be enough to keep me quit but if its not I have a stronger motivation; the suck of guilt I dealt with as a ninja dipper for all those decades.  I NEVER want to repeat one minute of that!  I can look my wife in the eyes everyday and know I'm not lying to her anymore.  That makes any pain of quitting 100% worth it.

The cool thing, as I understand it, is that you NEVER have to.

Thanks for your support and encouragement to get my ass back here and on the beam. Salute!

Peace.

[Wt57]

Today struggling with the fleeting thoughts of just one and sharing thoughts with another quitter I had a thought hit me. I hate the suck of withdrawal and craving nicotine and am glad that I went through it and remember it. That suck should be enough to keep me quit but if its not I have a stronger motivation; the suck of guilt I dealt with as a ninja dipper for all those decades. I NEVER want to repeat one minute of that! I can look my wife in the eyes everyday and know I'm not lying to her anymore. That makes any pain of quitting 100% worth it.

[T-Cell]

After 500 days I went to an addiction recovery meeting last night.  It was a general addiction meeting based on AA 12 step.  As I sat in the meeting surrounded by a drug dealing addict, alcoholics and those with eating disorders I caught myself comparing one addiction to another.  Is my addiction less offensive because its legal?  Is their addiction less understandable, because they are so foolish for not recognizing how stupid their actions are?  Dammit, how can I be so damn stupid!  Haven't I learned anything over the past year!  I am exactly like every other addict out there, a slave to an action or substance.  Are some addictions easier to gain control of? Well, hell yes!  My addiction is nicotine and I'd find making myself puck really easy to overcome but the addict with a eating disorder has every bit as difficult time controlling their actions as I have had.  We each have our own individual weaknesses and strengths.  I still can't believe how I sat there and had those judgmental thoughts about another's addiction.  After thinking about it all day I've come to the conclusion that my addicted mind that has been trying to drag me back towards slavery on a regular basis found a way to minimize my addiction by making those other addicts addiction seem so much worse than my own.  That is complete bullshit, for me I am a recovering alcoholic of 33+ years and a recovering nicotine addict of 500+ days and my addictions are mine (they are MY weaknesses).  Who am I to judge another.   I still can't believe I (a dumb ass that use to suck on ground up rotten stinking weeds with brown drool running out the corners of his mouth) judged my addiction less offensive than someone else's. 'bang head'  'bang head'

An addict is an addict!

I love you bro!

Amen WT57. I also must sonstantly remind myself.

Ditto ^^

(They are MY weaknesses)? NO my friend.. They are your strengths!
There is a very small group of people that could do what we're doing. Most folk have no clue as to the strength it takes to say enough is enough. To actually make it happen. You need to stop punishing yourself, you're not perfect, I'm not perfect, but at least we have the will, and determination to make a change. MOST people take the easy way out, admit defeat, and die unhappy..
One of my largest hurdles so far was excepting the fact that I'm not perfect, that I'm allowed to have faults. That addiction sucks, but life is too grand to waste one second thinking about that stupid shit. Put yourself above it, control it, accept it, and move on. I'm trying to tell you that you're much stronger than you think, and you're doing great.. Hold your head up high, you deserve it. peace

Wt -

I think you have learned more in this past year than you realize. Its the realization of being an addict that led us to being able to stay clean now for as long as we have. Without it and the brotherhood here, we probably would be back in the clutches of a can. But never again.

And as for the comparison, well guess what, welcome back to a little piece of normality as we are human and tend to always compare ourselves with others. But as mentioned, yes we initially compare, but come to that knowledge that addicts are all the same, just depends on what it is we are addicted to.

A huge congrats on the 500. Hope you take the time and celebrate as that is a big accomplishment.

And will be right there beside you today and tomorrow when I wake....

Listen to these quitters WT, and quit beating yourself up for something you can not undo. Instead harness that energy and emotion into helping others learn what quitting is all about. We can't change the past, but we sure as hell and can influence today and the future.
Belated congrats on 500, you are a badass quitter!