Me Briefly

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 147

I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday.  Funny how quickly things change.  I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me.  Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless.  Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it.  I have had a calmness about me the last couple days.  An acceptance of what I've endeavored. 

I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary.  I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again.  However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now.  We'll see.  All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter.  Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace.  Craves are there...triggers are there.  It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on.  Here's to progress at a turtle's pace.  I'll take it.

PTBQWYAT my friends.

[olcpo]

Day 137

I feel like I've ben spinning my wheels for the last couple weeks.  Cravings are up.  I find myself paying special attention to C stores that I pass.  Up again this morning 2-1/2hrs before I needed to be for work...full anxiety attack, cold sweats and racing heart.  Trying to distract myself with exercise and keeping busy but the triggers are relentless.

"I have 2 choices: cave or push.  I'm not ready to live with a diagnosis so, if I cave, I'll have to quit again.  If I quit again, I'll be right back where I am now.  I WILL regret caving.  Thus, caving makes no sense.  I WILL PUSH.  I can do today."
---Sometimes helps to write it down. 

Looking forward to when I feel a little more like myself.  Looking forward to finding enjoyment in ALL the things I used to.  I am optimistic that this will happen for me eventually.  Hope that my current funk is soon over.

Hate to get on here and boo..hoo all the time.  I do find it therapeutic to rant and bitch here in intros.  I do not find this kind of sentiment too often on the boards.  This leads me to believe that either I'm a sally or that people are not having the same experience that I am.  Doesn't matter in the long run.  I post in the am, come here to vent, try to stay quit.  All I can do.  Onward.

Wow, You the Man. No sally here. day 137 and fightin Hard. I like your logic. No going back, don't want to start over again, all the right reasons. I'm at day 12...now my day 137 will be very special. Thanks  John

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow.

You are killing nicotine brother!  Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly).  I love that you are not complacent.  There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that.  It comes from from your actions:

1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.

2. Physically and mentally it gets better.  Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.

3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.

So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time.  The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished.  The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.

Thanks Nomore.  Every iota of encouragement and guidance I get from folks that have been there before me is incredibly helpful and recharges my quit.  I appreciate you taking the time.

PTBQWYT my friend.

[Nomore1959]

Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow.

You are killing nicotine brother!  Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly).  I love that you are not complacent.  There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that.  It comes from from your actions:

1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.

2. Physically and mentally it gets better.  Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.

3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.

So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time.  The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished.  The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow. 

[ankape]

Day 138

Strange how things happen.  Just returned to station from a man who is on hospice; dying of cancer.  He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) so there wasn't much we could do but try to comfort his wife.

Seeing that puts things in perspective.  I do not want to be there any time soon.  Quit on my friends...the alternative is real and harsh.

PTBQWY my friends.

@EXBEARHAG Moments like that make it hard to imagine the debate over a stupid chemical from a dead plant. Shows the strength of this addiction. NAFAR thanks!

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 138

Strange how things happen.  Just returned to station from a man who is on hospice; dying of cancer.  He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) so there wasn't much we could do but try to comfort his wife.

Seeing that puts things in perspective.  I do not want to be there any time soon.  Quit on my friends...the alternative is real and harsh.

PTBQWY my friends.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 137

I feel like I've ben spinning my wheels for the last couple weeks.  Cravings are up.  I find myself paying special attention to C stores that I pass.  Up again this morning 2-1/2hrs before I needed to be for work...full anxiety attack, cold sweats and racing heart.  Trying to distract myself with exercise and keeping busy but the triggers are relentless.

"I have 2 choices: cave or push.  I'm not ready to live with a diagnosis so, if I cave, I'll have to quit again.  If I quit again, I'll be right back where I am now.  I WILL regret caving.  Thus, caving makes no sense.  I WILL PUSH.  I can do today."
---Sometimes helps to write it down. 

Looking forward to when I feel a little more like myself.  Looking forward to finding enjoyment in ALL the things I used to.  I am optimistic that this will happen for me eventually.  Hope that my current funk is soon over.

Hate to get on here and boo..hoo all the time.  I do find it therapeutic to rant and bitch here in intros.  I do not find this kind of sentiment too often on the boards.  This leads me to believe that either I'm a sally or that people are not having the same experience that I am.  Doesn't matter in the long run.  I post in the am, come here to vent, try to stay quit.  All I can do.  Onward.

[chris2alaska]

Day 128

I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week.  There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over.  I want my old life back.  I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.

Then...I log on and read.  I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week.  I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place.  Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts.  More impressive is they take the time to reply.  I realize (again) I'm not alone.  Many have felt this way before me.  Many have held on and remained quit.   The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow.  I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life.  Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming.  I WILL quit for the rest of today.  I can do that.  I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow. 

@Zeus your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply.  I will push on...OMAAT.

This is not BS HAG...this is what helps. I spent 16 years not realizing what you just laid out there...and I thank you.

What you are going through right now is "Post HOF Funk" and usually occurs during quit days 110-160.  Just like all of the other symptoms you have had though, it too will pass and there are better days ahead, I guarantee you that.

Stay strong brother, hit me up for digits if you want a little more accountability.

PTQWYT

Chris

[ankape]

Day 128

I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week.  There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over.  I want my old life back.  I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.

Then...I log on and read.  I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week.  I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place.  Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts.  More impressive is they take the time to reply.  I realize (again) I'm not alone.  Many have felt this way before me.  Many have held on and remained quit.   The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow.  I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life.  Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming.  I WILL quit for the rest of today.  I can do that.  I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow. 

@Zeus your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply.  I will push on...OMAAT.

This is not BS HAG...this is what helps. I spent 16 years not realizing what you just laid out there...and I thank you.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 128

I'd be lying if I said I didn't waiver at all this week.  There's a part of me that just wants to be done. I've done 128 days...the novelty is over.  I want my old life back.  I want to feel "normal" again and maybe smile a little more.

Then...I log on and read.  I'm reminded of my day 1 and fog of the first week.  I'm reminded of why I'm doing this in the first place.  Vets like Zeus take the time to read my incoherent, winey, bitchy posts.  More impressive is they take the time to reply.  I realize (again) I'm not alone.  Many have felt this way before me.  Many have held on and remained quit.   The bottom line comes into view:
I will not promise to be quit tomorrow.  I will not promise that I will never have a dip again in my life.  Looking even 24hrs into the future seems daunting to me...overwhelming.  I WILL quit for the rest of today.  I can do that.  I hope and expect to do the same tomorrow. 

@Zeus your post below was exactly what i needed to read tonight.  I can't tell you how much it means to me that you took the time to read my BS...not to mention writing a thoughtful reply.  I will push on...OMAAT.

[Zeus]

Day 124

The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN.  Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge.  When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through.  That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something.  Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with.  This is permanent and does not go away in the short term.  Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.

Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives.  Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so.  This mindset has really helped in the past couple days.  When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail.  I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved.  Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.

Things are beginning to improve.  I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep.  Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit).  It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway.  Push onward.  I can quit for the rest of today.

@EXBEARHAG  You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.

Hey @ankape Thank you for the offer but I'm good.  Come here to intros to vent and usually feel better for it.  The separation has certainly been hard but I'm winning.  I can do this OFDAAT.  I've got your number and will reach out if I'm ever on the ledge.  Hope all is well.
- HAG

Hang in there EXHAG. Keep doing what you're doing, and always reach out before you need to, if that makes any sense. I've survived about 3 cycles of bad depression since I've been quit. A few things I've learned from those are: Recovery takes its own damn sweet time, never compare your insides to other's outsides, and you're always stronger on the other side of it, provided you don't cave. In the long term, nobody regrets quitting and everyone who caves eventually regrets it. Nicotine is not a solution to any major blahs, blues, or depression. It is a poisonous band aid that will eventually put you in a much worse place. There is much honor in quitting, even when there's doubt, and none in caving.

There'll be times when you wonder if it's worth it. Those thoughts probably go through all addicts minds more than you know. The nic bitch with throw you into a major depression just to get you to think about going back. It sucks, but one day the skies will clear and you'll be glad for sticking with it.

If it weren't so difficult to quit nicotine, this site of crazies would't need to be here. But it is and thank God for that because most non-addicts don't understand some of the darkness we have to go through on the quit journey. But also, the victories are that much sweeter. Quit on, my brothers and sisters.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 124

The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN.  Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge.  When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through.  That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something.  Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with.  This is permanent and does not go away in the short term.  Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.

Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives.  Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so.  This mindset has really helped in the past couple days.  When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail.  I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved.  Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.

Things are beginning to improve.  I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep.  Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit).  It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway.  Push onward.  I can quit for the rest of today.

@EXBEARHAG  You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.

Hey @ankape Thank you for the offer but I'm good.  Come here to intros to vent and usually feel better for it.  The separation has certainly been hard but I'm winning.  I can do this OFDAAT.  I've got your number and will reach out if I'm ever on the ledge.  Hope all is well.
- HAG

[ankape]

Day 124

The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN.  Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge.  When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through.  That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something.  Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with.  This is permanent and does not go away in the short term.  Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.

Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives.  Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so.  This mindset has really helped in the past couple days.  When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail.  I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved.  Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.

Things are beginning to improve.  I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep.  Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit).  It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway.  Push onward.  I can quit for the rest of today.

@EXBEARHAG  You need to talk? Call/text
I feel you here. I quit for a decent stretch before joining KTC and ultimately gave in because it felt like (nic bitch told me) it was getting worse as time was going on...but I know it was a funk and it would’ve passed if I’d held strong.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 124

The past week has been a challenge for me...AGAIN.  Truth is I feel like every day since July 16 '19 has been a challenge.  When I'm struggling, I bare down, put on a grimace and push through.  That's what I've always done when I've struggled with something.  Problem is, this is not like anything else I've ever struggled with.  This is permanent and does not go away in the short term.  Due to this fact, I've spent much of the last 124 days being miserable.

Then...one of my group mates, Jascha, suggested in a very supportive way that I look at some of the positives.  Now, of course I've heard this before but somehow, in the past several weeks, I've forgotten to do so.  This mindset has really helped in the past couple days.  When I feel a crave coming on, I tell myself I'm a warrior; that most people who try this fail.  I think of how being free from nic has changed my life for the better and how disappointed my family would be if I caved.  Funny how a quick change of attitude can keep me on track.

Things are beginning to improve.  I still woke up this morning 2 1/2 hours early (3:30am) in a full anxiety attack (typical for work days) and could not fall back asleep.  Walking out to my truck however, I felt like it was almost like a normal morning (pre-quit).  It didn't last long and kind of made me nostalgic about dipping (felt good and normal= first thought is HAVE A DIP) but it was the first time that I can remember that I felt almost whole again...for a couple seconds anyway.  Push onward.  I can quit for the rest of today.